TTC Round 2, #3 | DPO 3?!

My temp went up on Wednesday, but I figured it was a fluke because a) that would be CD8 and impossibly early, b) I hadn’t had much in the way of other signs, and c) I was (still am) sick with a cold. Plus I hadn’t slept well that night to boot. So I discarded it.

My temp was still up yesterday, exactly where it should be if I had ov’ed earlier this week. I dismissed it again because, hello, too early and I’m still sick.

But it’s still up today and it’s even done it’s second jump right in line with a typical post-ov pattern and now I’m bummed. If it had remained the same as yesterday I could have ignored it, but I also haven’t had any CM for the last two days and that pattern is just too classic.

I’m still holding out a squidge of hope that I couldn’t possibly have ov’ed that early, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last year (year?!) it’s to expect the unexpected. So. There goes our last at-home chance. If my temps are still ov’high on Monday, I’ll set up an appointment with an RE. I guess that means we can get in there a little sooner, at least.

Frankly, I’m more than a little in denial. We didn’t even get to try one last time, and I can’t believe that simple thing was taken from us. Taken by what? By whom? I need someone or something to blame, but there’s no one to shake my fist at but the large and unfathomable – and uncaring – universe.

I can’t even begin to unpack what this means for us, for our finances, for our future just yet. Maybe my temp will go back down tomorrow and I can push that off for another few weeks. In the meantime, I guess it’ll be a change?


Filed under depression, gaybies, TTC

March is the new… February??

Despite everything awful that was February, my goal to make up for January by restarting the year in February instead actually worked out relatively okay. It could have been worse – far worse – and the fact that I managed to keep myself going on more than just one goal and actually make progress when all I wanted to do sometimes, all I could do, was function enough to not lose my job, was pretty impressive. Or at least, I’m trying to believe that.

My main goal was to ease back into things after the sucker punch that was January. I made small goals like hitting the weights, biking to work, and going on runs at least twice a week (each). Small walks every day. Take time to breathe and think. And a larger goal of finishing the first draft of my WIP by mid-February and sticking to the Whole30 for 28 days.

I did all of those. Well. To an extent. I only ran once last week, but I did everything else and even returned to Crossfit. I finished my first draft just a little past mid-February and now I’m doing the read-through and marking up all the bits, big and small, that need to be fixed before the final draft goes to betas.

I did falter and mostly stop the Whole28 at day 22, though, and I’m okay with that. Subsequent Whole30’s are always the most difficult because you don’t see the biggest changes anymore. I wanted to do a reset, to remind myself that eating lots of bready stuff and alcohol and treats doesn’t feel good, and strictly as a reset it was a success. Even though I fell off the wagon early, I have still mostly stuck to the Whole30 rules for the rest of the month and I intend to at least continue avoiding all the treats and sweets at work.

My goal for March is simple: to continue and expand upon what I was able to do in February. My fitness goals are going to shift a little, because there’s no way I can lift/bike/run 2x a week while adding Crossfit right on top of that. Something will have to go, and it will probably be running. But not completely, because I have a ton of Zombies, Run! workouts to do and I loves them, yes I do.

As much as I want to believe I can finish my read-through and edits by mid-March, that’s just not going to happen. So I’m shifting my deadline to have this done for betas to April 1st instead and they can all decide for themselves whether the 300page behemoth I drop into their inboxes that day is a joke or not.

Other things I started in February: trying to find a therapist. You know, I had kinda hoped deciding to get help would instantly result in help getting had, but apparently not. So while I am more emotionally sound, I will put my efforts into this and hopefully it will pay off before I feel like I’m going crazy again.

Also, French. If anyone has any tips or tricks to fitting French learning into each day, I would appreciate it. I do Duolingo, but if I don’t get it in first thing it often doesn’t happen. This may just be a priorities thing, but any little bit helps.



Filed under crossfit, depression, diet, fitness, goals, n steps

Hellooooo Crossfit

I stopped going to Crossfit almost a year and a half ago because a) we needed to save money for gayby, and b) I wanted to focus on strength training. We were originally only going to be out of it for six months, but that stretched into so many more months due to Newton’s first law of motion. Then I was concerned about starting up something so intensive again while TTC. Then it was just too hard to coordinate around work, when work decided to be suddenly very strict about time.

I’d been flirting with going back for at least the last six months. I proved to myself that I could strength train on my own, but every attempt at metcons fell flat on its face. I need a bunch of other people, a clock on the wall, and a yelling coach for me to actually dig in and do them.

Then I was thinking back over the past few years, about my depression, anxiety, and how they’ve both diminished and grown again, and what else has changed in that time. My diet has largely stayed the same, minus a few things here and there, but it’s still predominantly vegetable-based with lots of extra fats and animal protein. TTC has taken over, and I’m sure the stress from that hasn’t been helpful. The only other major change was first introducing crossfit, then quitting it more recently.

I thought: I still work out. I lift. I bike. I run.

But that’s not quite the same, is it? My workouts lack intensity. Especially consistent intensity. And you can’t discount that badass feeling you get when you RX a WOD (that is to say: do a workout exactly as it’s written, no lighter weights or fewer reps).

And I kind of had this mini revelation. Maybe it had really been too long without all that. Maybe it wasn’t just the change in diet that had been so beneficial for my depression and anxiety. Maybe it was also the intense exercise program and the community that came with it.

Within minutes of that revelation I was googling boxes (i.e. Crossfit gyms) and looking up class times and doing the necessary budget calculations to see if I could go back. And then an hour or so later, I went to a nearby box on my lunch break and did the WOD (Workout of the Day). It was awful. And painful. But I did it (RX!!) and I survived.

And I felt something I hadn’t felt in over a year. Out of breath, yeah. But also pride in my body.

I don’t know if going back to Crossfit now is going to affect my cycle or TTC. Frankly, right now, I don’t care. Whatever I was doing before clearly wasn’t working, so this can’t hurt. And besides, we’re going to break soon, so I’ll even have a few months for my body to get used to the new.

I am tired and depressed and I need to take care of myself. I have already sacrificed so much for the TTC process. It’s time to take a little bit of that back.


Filed under crossfit, depression, fitness, TTC

TTC Round 2 | Cycle 3, CD2

I’m thankful I ovulated.

I’m thankful the maca powder seemed to do something and I ovulated early.

I’m thankful for one more unmedicated chance.

I’m thankful that I knew what my body was doing.

I’m thankful for my wife.

I’m thankful for you guys.

I’m thankful for wine and chocolate and heating pads and big old mugs of hot tea.

I’m not at all thankful that last cycle didn’t work. I’m just more convinced something is wrong. I’m still planning on going to an RE, but thanks to the miracle(??) of a 26 day cycle, we might have another chance before our official cut-off mid-March. I’m not going to hang too many hopes on that chance even happening, though – just because my cycles have been shorter these past two (three?) doesn’t mean they will continue to be.

Things that will be different this go-around: not much. I’ve been trying to do multiple insems since our first cycle this round and damn it if I’m not going to keep trying. I guess I just have to insem at the very first sign of anything. Since we have a cut off day, I won’t have to worry about inseming indefinitely, which is a bonus. I always fret about inconveniencing our donor and since he’s started making noises along the lines of why is this taking so long I don’t want to push it any more than necessary.

The only other change is that I will stop with the maca powder as soon as I ovulate. I think using it throughout my cycle not only gave me PMS but made life incredibly awful. I suspect it jacked up my progesterone somehow, which considering my luteal phase is usually a good 13-14 days on its own meant it was waaaay over anything normal. That’s just a guess, though, based on what I’ve read about other’s experiences with progesterone supplementation during the 2WW.

So, to reiterate from the past two cycles, what I’m doing: temping daily, using the ferning microscope daily,  using wondfo OPKs once I start seeing ferns, drinking mint tea every morning, drinking bone broth every day, eating 2-3tbsp maca powder daily (by way of truffle form – i.e., powder + cocoa + sunflower butter + coconut oil), moving my body daily, and generally trying to keep my stress levels low.

I feel a lot like we’re just going through the motions at this point, but I suppose that’s better than giving up. I have absolutely no hope that this cycle will work. I don’t know if an RE will give us any answers, but I do believe they can at least rule a handful of things out and give us a different plan.

I’m working on finding a therapist, just haven’t heard back from the handful I’ve contacted so far. They had convenient little ways to message them without calling, but I guess I’ll have to suck it up and call. I hate calling. I hate it. So. Much. But at least now I’m stable enough that I (probably) won’t start crying on the phone.

1 Comment

Filed under BFN, depression, gaybies, TTC

What Not to Say to Someone with Depression

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I’ve had in the last year. I ugly-cried in the bathroom twice and ended up going home early. I broke the Whole28 to have wine because the only other option I could imagine was taking some of Lady’s meds, which would have been A Bad Idea. The wine calmed me down enough that I could breathe again.

I had been barely holding myself together for the last week and yesterday was when I broke. And you know what was the final straw? Someone saying good morning, then getting annoyed with me because I did not say good morning back. I said hi and averted my eyes because I was || this close to breaking. And then I broke.

This last week has been hard, and it’s only been made harder by a ton of insensitive and ignorant comments from my coworkers – but thankfully not my friends. I’ve come to realize in a very painful way that most people simply do not understand what depression is. It is not feeling blue. It is not being sad. It is a physical state as much as it is an emotional one, and when it is at its worst, I can stop being sad just as easily as I can turn into a train.

I thought, maybe something good can come of this at least. So here is exactly what NOT to say to someone you know who tells you they are depressed:

Have you tried exercising?

Yes, exercising releases endorphins. And yes, I have tried it. You know what happened? I felt good for a few minutes – and then I was depressed again. Wow. Go figure.


Just be happy!

Go be a train. Let me know how that works out for you.


Smile more.

You see this grimace? This is my smile. And now you are terrified of me.


Why are you sad?

There are these chemicals in my brain – oh, that’s not what you were asking was it? Well, a) sometimes it doesn’t matter what’s going on in my life, depression don’t care, and b) it’s none of your fucking business.


Well, so-and-so’s dog/cat/aunt just died.

Gee. Thanks. Now I feel guilty for feeling like shit.


Just think of positive things! Happiness is a choice!

In milder circumstances, yes. But right now my entire brain chemistry is conspiring against me. You’re only making me feel guiltier by implying I’m not trying when it is taking every. single. thing. I have to keep it together.


I was depressed once and I did this one thing and now I’m not depressed. You should do that.

That’s great for you! But in all likelihood, I’ve already tried it. And by insisting that it worked for you does not mean it will work for me. I’m sorry. Brains are different. People are different.


To end on a positive note, here are a few things you can say instead:

– I’ve noticed you’ve been really quiet/irritable/withdrawn lately. How are you feeling?

That sucks. I’m sorry. I’m here for you if you need anything.

What would you like for dinner? Nothing? Do you have anything against [insert food item here] if I put it in front of you?

Do you want a hug?

I can’t understand what you’re feeling, but I can give you love and compassion. And watch an amazingly silly/awful movie with you.

I completely understand what you’re feeling. Here is a box of tissues with that awesome lotion and here is a big cup of hot tea and here is a comfy blanket and here is that amazing escapist novel that helped me through my last bout.

Feel free to emote. You won’t scare me away.




Filed under depression

TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 13 & Last Meme Day

I don’t have anything to say that hasn’t been said before, so


Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust


Day 10: One Person I Can Trust

1) This isn’t going to come as any surprise, but the one person I know I can always rely on to not only be there, but to tell me the truth, to accept who I am, and to love me is my wife. I am blessed to be able to rely on all of my friends, but my wife has my ultimate trust – which is probably proper.



1 Comment

Filed under depression, gaybies, TTC, two week wait

TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 12

I tested this morning because a) I wanted to make sure my gut feeling was right and b) if it was positive, this would be my last Sunday cook-up where I could have a glass (or two) of wine.

My intuition is right and it was negative. I was not surprised and frankly, I was a little relieved. I want to be able to trust what my body is telling me, and it is telling me right now that this one didn’t work. So. Good to have that confirmed.

Starting to feel a little better. Haven’t cried even once today, so go me. It helps knowing that in a few days I will feel normal again. Plus, this validates my hypothesis that this whole depression is not strictly TTC related. If it were, then the BFN this morning should have sent me spiraling back down. But it did not.

I feel like I have been incredibly negative on here lately and I’m not going to apologize for it. I am going to say that I will continue chronicling my emotions because it has helped me to see that it is both an ongoing problem and cyclical. I wish I had been paying closer attention a year ago, but we have what we have. But I understand if you unfollow me because depressed people Are Not Fun.

At least it should get brighter in the days to come.


Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust


Day 9: Two Things I Wish I Could Do


1) Apropos my current situation: snap out of depression whenever I felt like it, or at least as easily as people make it sound like it should be. Instead, I might as well try to turn into a train.

2) Play an instrument. Or really have any sort of musical talent. I’ve had a uke for over two years now and all I can do is strum idly. I’ve tried learning and watching youtube videos and reading books, but what I really need is a teacher and that is where this becomes a wish instead of a goal, because I just don’t have the time to devote to learning/playing. It is not my top priority. But it sure would be nice if I could actually play my uke in the evening sometimes and have it not sound like a dying cat.




Filed under BFN, depression, gaybies, TTC, two week wait