WIP Check-in: One Day to Go

Is the final draft done yet?: NO

Current page count: 200/209

Shots of whiskey: 2.5



Yeah, totally not going to finish this tomorrow. But Wednesday? Probably.


I’m just pleased I managed to get anything edited today at all, considering the distractions.


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Filed under happy things, progress, writing

Down the Infertility Rabbit Hole

Well, that was overwhelming.

We had our RE appointment today. I’m glad I told work I wouldn’t be back afterwards (they don’t know it was RE and they don’t ever need to know). I’m still processing everything.

I think I like our RE doctor? He was a little pushy about a handful of things – eat less carbs! eat more vegetables! take lots of vitamin D! – without listening to me saying I already eat less carbs, eat a shit ton of veggies, etc. But when he told me to lose five pounds, I did say no. He started saying something about being close to overweight on the BMI scale and I was just like no, I am not going to lose weight, I am active and healthy and I am not going to focus on that, we are moving on here. Thankfully, he relented and was like well five pounds isn’t really anything and I was like exactly and we continued on our merry way.

Aside from those small things, the overall experience was positive. It was nice just having someone actually listen – aside from in regards to food – and validate that yes, six attempts with confirmed ovulation should have seen us pregnant and yes, something was probably wrong. It was also severely validating to have the doctor be so surprised that I could have gone for ten years with only a cycle twice or thrice a year and not have any other doctor even think there was something wrong with that.

Anyway. So we talked and went over medical history and then I got weighed and blood pressured and told to take off my skirt. The nurse checked my thyroid and then they went for the dildo cam. I wasn’t expecting to meet Mr Cam quite so early in our date, but it was less uncomfortable than I expected. The doctor interpreted the blurs and amorphous blobs on the ultrasound machine in real time, which was cool.

Apparently my uterus is: a) retroverted, which is ultimately harmless; b) has an impressively thick lining – and not in a good way – and; c) has super huge ovaries. C has the doctor thinking I might have PCOS, which they’ll confirm with a blood letting after my cycle starts. B is a definite problem and may or may not be associated with PCOS. Apparently large ovaries =/ large cojones. A is kind of cool.

(It was also cool to confirm that yes, I did ovulate last week, so thank you temps for at least keeping me appraised of that situation.)

So. The PCOS and the super duper thick lining are both problematic in and of themselves and together would easily thwart any attempts at pregnancy. PCOS gives me the irregular cycles and not-so-good eggs and the lining interferes with implantation and gives me a higher chance of miscarriage. No bueno.

Thankfully, the RE doctor seemed pretty optimistic about clearing it all up. There’s still the blood test to do to check my hormones and then he also wants to do an HSG to check for blockages and polyps. I was reeeaally hoping he wouldn’t say HSG because I have read all ya’ll’s experiences with that particular procedure and it seems to either be extremely uncomfortable or downright excruciating. I get valium beforehand but idk how much that will help.

After the HSG, he wants to do a hysteroscopy and D&C to clear out that extra thick lining,which also sounds horrible – but at least I’ll be knocked the fuck out. Apparently the lining builds up and builds up and can lead to uterine cancer down the line, so even if I wasn’t trying to get pregnant I should do this procedure.

Then, after all that, he thinks that with a little metformin to control the PCOS, my cycles should even out and we should be able to get pregnant on our own, with an home insem as we’ve been doing. Which is really incredibly reassuring.

The donor is getting checked out, too, but after everything else I’m fairly convinced this is my body’s fault. Honestly, I didn’t expect the doctor to find anything wrong with me and I am strangely relieved that there are Things and Diagnoses and that we have something we can work on and fix. It’s a relief to have a direction we can take and plans to get there, instead of flailing each month and wondering what’s wrong and not knowing.

Still, I’m a little surprised at just how many things might be wrong with me and a little bummed that even a mostly paleo diet hasn’t been enough to keep PCOS at bay. The doctor wants me to go even stricter and very low carb, but I’m not sure I’m mentally ready for that quite yet. I would like to see what the blood results are and confirm PCOS before going through the hell that is very low carb first, thank you very much.

We’ll know more soon(ish), since I’m supposed to go in for the blood letting and the HSG relatively quickly after my next cycle starts. Which, if I calculated my ov date correctly, is this weekend.


TL;DR: Went to the RE! Might have PCOS! Definitely have a too-thick endometrium. More tests soon!


If anybody has any experiences with the hysteroscopy and D&C please share. Also any tips for surviving the HSG. Oh god.


Filed under gaybies, TTC

WIP Check-in: Two Days to Go

Is the final draft done yet?: NO

Current page count: 196/209

Shots of whiskey: 2.5



At this rate I might finish by/on Wednesday. Finishing on Wednesday totally counts as getting this done by April, right??


Other things unrelated to said final draft:

RE appointment tomorrow! Will totally update with what they say afterwards. I am both excited and apprehensive. They said a physical would be included as part of the appointment and I have no idea what all that entails in this context. Speculum? Or just weight and height and blood pressure?

Also I’m still worried about them saying anything regarding being overweight, because according to BMI charts I am, but according to any other reasonable measure, I’m clearly not. :/ It doesn’t help that I’ve been feeling puffy lately.



Filed under happy things, progress, writing

WIP Check-in: Three Days to Go

Is the final draft done yet?: NO

Current page count: 189/207

Shots of whiskey: 3

Current problems with the manuscript: how exactly am I supposed to resolve all of this again?


Other things unrelated to said final draft:

Nothing. I have been working on this non-stop since waking up this morning. Every single page is being rewritten, carved anew out of the ether.


I need more whiskey.



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WIP Check-in: Five Days to Go

Is the final draft done yet?: NO

Current page count: 180/207

Glasses of Wine: 1

Current problems with the manuscript: the joys of infodumping, how to effectively split up the party


Other things unrelated to said final draft:

I had my first appointment with the therapist yesterday. It went pretty well, I think. I really don’t like talking for any length of time, least of all about myself, and obviously that’s what most therapy appointments will be, especially the first one. Weirdly, I’m okay with blogging about myself – I think it’s the depersonal aspect and not having someone staring straight at me, actually listening. Plus, I’m used to being interrupted before I say anything too personal or emotional, so.

Anyway. It was an introductory appointment so not much got done, but I already have a good vibe about her. She seems honest and real and not like she’s going to tell me that I need to stop being so weird anytime soon (something a past therapist actually said). I have another appointment next week after our RE visit, which is probably good timing because, like I told her – I’m more than a bit in denial about TTC being a big factor in my depression.



Filed under depression, happy things, progress, writing

WIP Check-in: Seven Days to Go

Is the final draft done yet?: NO

Current page count: 177/206

Shots of whiskey: 1

Current problems with the manuscript: too much suspicion, not enough relief and surprise.


Other things unrelated to said final draft:

I’m officially doing a second “season” of the Cactopodes tumblr, rather conveniently starting April 2nd. What started as a place to deposit photos of local cacti, namely saguaros, which are all quite individual in nature, quickly devolved into a lovecraftian nightmare about four wayward scientists who got lost in the stygian wasteland of the Sonoran desert.

It’s really quite silly and more of an excuse to be ridiculous – and it is a perfect project to work on once I get this final draft done and out the door. I want to keep writing – it’s never good to take a long break, at least not for me – but I also don’t want to start a new story when I’m trying to query this one. I’ve learned I can’t query and write something entirely new at the same time – it just doesn’t work.

So instead, I’m going to go with nameless, octopoid horrors.


(Cross-posted to KA Doore)

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WIP Check-In


So close. I wanted to push through and get to 150 so I can shout it triumphantly – err, blog it triumphantly – but alas, pg 149 happens to be a page with some major issues. It needs more time than I could give it last night, and I have promised myself – and the story – that I wouldn’t short change it by rushing through the edits. But wow, did I want to.

Still! That’s 59 pages edited in less than a week and I am pretty much in the last quarter of edits. I want to be done with this so badly, and I can all but taste it, but unfortunately these last 50 odd pages need the most work. My April 1st deadline is looming large, but I have over a week yet and a solid weekend ahead in which to buckle down and get this done and get it done right.

This is a good time for me to obsessively work on this WIP because we’re exactly a week out from our RE consultation and I’m already starting to get nervous. What’s going to happen? What horrible things will the doctor say? How will they imply I have failed as a person and/or am an incompetent moron? That there’s nothing wrong with me and who do I think I am, wasting their time?

Yeah, I need to distract myself from that.

Gonna go back to the zombies and lesbians and endless dune fields now.


Filed under writing