Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

Been a little quiet here as I’ve been a bit, well, down again, and less than excited about current life goings-ons. It just feels like a lot of waiting right now: waiting for the post-op appointment tomorrow, waiting for the end of this week, waiting for June, waiting to see Lady off next week, waiting to see if my temp goes up, waiting to change my met dosage, waiting for betas to get back to me, waiting for agents to respond, waiting for our trip to Geneva, waiting for the end of June, waiting for the cycle after this, waiting – waiting – waiting.

I’ve been trying to be as proactive as possible, but I feel like I’m clawless and trying to climb a glass wall. A big part of that, I’ve realized, is that I’ve been so, so very lucky in the past. Honestly, I’ve never had to wait long or struggle very hard for anything I wanted. Half because of outright luck, and half because of privilege. Yes, I’m smart and yes, I work hard, but I have known so many smart and more hard-working people who have had to struggle for every little thing. It’s not fair and, honestly, I’ve been waiting for my luck to run out for a while now.

And now that it has, I’m trying to adjust to that while maintaining the confidence I have in myself. But it’s a fine line to walk – just enough confidence to believe you can do something, can achieve something, can get the job or the opportunity, but not so much that when it doesn’t happen, you’re cut off at the knees.

So, more than a bit like the TTC rollercoaster of hope, then despair. Just, instead of confined to two weeks, it’s been projected across my entire life.

I don’t want to sound like I’m whining, so that’s all I’ll really say about it, but I do want to be honest and writing it down helps me work it out. It’s helped me realize how very fortunate I still am, and how this too shall pass.

In the meantime, I’m trying to focus on what I do have control over. What I can actively do while waiting.

Because life should be more than just waiting.


Filed under depression, simply informative, TTC

Paleo AIP Reintroduction Part: Eggs | Redux Redux’ed


January of last year I did 30 days strict of the Paleo Autoimmune Protocol. In the subsequent six months I spent a lot of time reintroducing foods to figure out what had been causing several nasty skin problems, but in particular an inexplicable skin rash.

After those six months, it was fairly evident that I had a big problem with nightshades and eggs. Nightshades give me boils, but eggs were behind the skin rash. When I first reintroduced them, I felt sick, and a few days later I had new patches of rash. I waited a good five months before trying again. The reaction this time was even worse and I dealt with a very large rash on my leg for several months.

I didn’t touch eggs again after that. Not whole, not the whites, not the yolks, not cooked or baked or glazed.

At least, not until about six weeks ago.

I had just been told by the doctor that I had PCOS. I had just started metformin. I was super bummed about food because honestly, low carb without eggs is pretty hard. Every recipe I looked at had eggs. And I found myself craving them hardcore at the exclusion of meats and vegetables.

So I caved and I had one. Just one. And it tasted amazing, but I knew I was going to pay for it within a few days. But I waited a few days and nothing happened, then I waited a few more and had another egg. Still nothing.

It’s now been six weeks and I’ve eaten an egg or two more days than not. Every morning I check my body all over for the telltale bright pink flare of a new rash and I find nothing. The original rash is now nothing but the biopsy scar.

I can hardly believe it. But I guess it makes sense? This came on suddenly, after all, and the AIP says some allergies can go away if you give them enough time. It’s even possible that something else was interacting with the eggs to make me allergic to them and, given enough time, that allergy has healed.

Either way, being able to eat eggs again has made sticking to low carb so much easier. I can actually eat out. I can eat at friends’ places. When we go to Switzerland in a few weeks (three?!) I’ll be able to find something filling and nutritious to eat.

Nightshades, though, are still a definite no. In my excitement with eggs, I tried tomatoes and nightshade spices and both gave me horrible boils. I’m still healing from them and they’ve been a painful reminder to Stay the Fuck Away.

But eggs! Omg eggs! It gives me hope yet that someday I’ll be able to eat tomatoes again.


Filed under AIP, diet, happy things, paleo, reintroduction

Moving Forward


The parents have all left. The fanfare is all over. Dr Lady signed her official acceptance for the postdoc job in her current lab. We are moving ever forward.

And now we’re officially in the who-the-fuck-knows-what’s-going-to-happen-next stage. We have no idea where we’ll be in a year and only a fraction of an idea where we’ll be in six months, which all makes planning very difficult and you know how much I need to plan, even if it eventually gets thrown out the window.

At least I know where we’ll be and what we’ll be doing in the next six weeks. We still have to finish planning our trip to Switzerland and then immediately after that we get to kickstart TTC again. And between both I’ll be querying my story.

But then we hit July and the future gets extra murky. Will the first TTC cycle work? Will I still be working at my current job? Will I quit and find a job that pays less but gives me more time? Or will I wait an extra month or two (or three) and save as much money as possible so I won’t have to work again until after we move?

But when will we move?? Will it be January, which seems most likely right now? Or will Dr Lady find an amazing opportunity sooner than that which would force us to move in the fall? Or will she apply in November to this one amazing postdoc, which would mean a move in the spring? Or what about that postdoc in France?? – but that would mean moving a whole year from now, next summer.

How am I supposed to plan???

In fits and bursts, apparently. But I’ve already drawn up five separate contingency plans depending on what happens. It’s like TTC, in a way, except I know that sometime in the next six months we’ll know what’s up.

Honestly, I just wish my current job would let me drop down to part-time. I didn’t go in yesterday until close to noon and worked five hours and it was so wonderful. I was focused. I got things done. More than I even usually do during an eight hour day. And I had had the morning to get my life organized, so I had the evening completely free. But that’s Not How Things Are Done, so even though it would make me happy and more productive, it’s not an option. They would rather I just leave than keep me on part time, which is depressing in its own way.

In the meantime, I have more than enough to focus on, if only I would actually focus on it. The nitty gritty of querying is not nearly as exciting to think about as how/where/what I’ll be doing in the near future.

Patience, though. I’ve been practicing patience for the last year. I can keep doing it.

Any tips on how to focus on the present are always helpful, though. <3


Filed under goals, n steps, simply informative

They Weren’t Kidding about the “Surgery” Part

I don’t know where I got the idea, but I went into the D&C largely expecting it to be little different from when I got my wisdom teeth out. There would be some anesthesia and blissful unconsciousness, but otherwise it wouldn’t be a big deal. And there certainly wouldn’t be big, scary machines. And it’d be in a chill environment, pretty much like a regular doctor’s office.

No. Apparently when they said surgery, and kept saying surgery, they meant all of the things wot go with surgery, too. Even though a D&C isn’t actually cutting anything open and therefore isn’t surgery as I generally understand it. Everything else about it was, though, and it was, well, hella intimidating.

Honestly, I wasn’t that nervous until I actually arrived at the hospital and checked in. Then I started to realize this is a hospital. Then I was made to strip and wear the official hospital gown and booties and give them my name and birth date 100+ times and that’s about when I got nervous. Getting wheeled down a long hallway to the pre-op room = even more nervous. Overhearing the doctors talking to other patients about actual surgery surgeries – removing things, rearranging arms, etc – was even more nerve-making.

But after spending an infinity in the pre-op trying not to move my hand with the IV in it and trying not to think about what was to come, they finally wheeled me into the Incredibly Daunting surgery room, complete with giant-ass machines and even gianter lights, and tossed some anesthesia into my drip. I was conscious long enough to feel the icy sensation of the anesthesia turn to fire, and then someone was taking off my oxygen mask and taking me into post-op.

I was super groggy and just wanted to go back to sleep when I came too, but that slowly faded until I was just a little whoozy. The nurses said everything was fine, but I was a little surprised my doctor wasn’t there to give me a break down. I have a follow-up appointment in a week or so where I guess she’ll let me know what they found with the hysteroscopy, but considering the whole point of the D&C was just to clear out my dense old lining, I’m not too concerned.

The nurses gave me ice nuggets and then eventually wheeled me back out into the mass hall and let me drink coffee. It was the most delicious coffee ever, and that was probably because I was dehydrated and hadn’t been allowed coffee this morning. It also cleared away the rest of the grog so that by the time my wife arrived to pick me up, I was pretty much okay.

She picked me up, we had burgers and sweet potato fries, then we picked up my prescription for painkillers and went home.

Overall I feel fine. There are some cramps, but the painkillers made those disappear almost completely. In fact, I should probably take some more because the cramps are just now starting to come back.

The worst part, honestly, was not being able to have coffee this morning. No food or beverages – including water! – for 8+ hours beforehand, which meant I hadn’t eaten or drank anything for nineteen hours by the time burgers happened. But I especially felt the coffee because a) I’m addicted and b) there was a huge change in atmospheric pressure which gives me a terrible headache that caffeine usually helps alleviate. The hunger itself wasn’t that bad at all.

The other worst part is the peeing. ;.; It is very painful and the nurses said that’s normal but omg ow. They wouldn’t let me go until I had, well, gone, and then there was so much more blood than I expected and the ow and just ugh. But it’s getting better – less painful and far less blood.

And now I’m just so so so glad it’s over. Now that the HSG and D&C are both done, that should be it for painful procedures and I can just wait for my body to get it’s act together. We won’t be able to try this cycle because my lining needs to build back up, but we should be ready next cycle. I just have to keep taking my met and stay low carb and cross my fingers that my cycles stay normal. We’re officially back into the wait and watch and hope and see part of TTC.


Filed under simply informative, TTC

Messing with Met

The nausea is slowly getting better and there are even wonderful times where I’m truly hungry and I can eat something and not feel gross afterwards, but it varies.

I’m starting to correlate the food I eat with the way I feel, but it’s been slow going because sometimes it takes a day or longer to have a reaction. So far, though, I’ve established that:

– Eating greasy foods on their own without anything to sop up the grease + metformin = nausea. Since fat & protein are pretty much the only things I can eat, I’ve been experimenting with the ratios. Bacon & eggs & cheese = big nope. But greens and bacon isn’t so bad. Avocado & greens & meat = nope again. A big ol’ burger on it’s own = nope. A big burger with sweet potato fries or some other low GI carb = okay.

– Anything more than a sip of wine = nope. This one takes longer to feel, but I’ve found that I can do about a glass of wine with only minimum nausea the next morning. Anything more than a glass makes me feel like I’m hungover. Not fun.

– Lots of carbs = nope. It doesn’t even matter if they’re low GI or not, as far as I can tell. This one takes a while to feel, but it appears that one of the ways met works is by inhibiting the cells’ ability to use carbs, and so by the end of the day – or weekend – if I haven’t been careful about my carbs I just feel awful. Tired all over, sluggish, dizzy, light-headed etc. This has happened several times now, almost always over the weekend, and I’ve only just cottoned on to the correlation. I tend not to eat as well/strict over the weekend because we’re out of food by Sunday so I grab whatever I can.

It’s, unfortunately, a self-perpetuating cycle. The more carbs I eat, the less I want protein, the more repulsed I am by fat, and the more carbs I end up eating because they are literally the only thing I can put in my mouth without feeling nauseated. Even smells get to me at this point – Sunday is our cook up day and this Sunday I had to leave the kitchen and lie down because everything just smelled so gross.

Basically, met is like half the symptoms of pregnancy without any of the fun. :/

I’ve been trying to understand how met works so I can better avoid those problems, but it appears that no one actually knows how it works. There are four proposed potential mechanisms, but they’re all quite different and have different consequences for the carbs you eat. I mentioned up-post that one potential mechanism was the way your cells use carbs, but another is through the liver and a potential third is a change in your gut microbiome. So I’m left at square one, which is self-experimentation.

Well, I’ve got plenty of time to experiment, at least. :/

This week I’m going to try to be more careful with my carbs and really double down on cutting them out as much as possible. I don’t know if I can quite do ketosis, but I’m going to get close. If my hypothesis is correct, it should help with the nausea and overall feeling of exhaustion.


Filed under diet, gaybies, n steps, simply informative, TTC

The Comfort Zone

It’s such a nice, cozy place. I know what’s going to happen in the comfort zone, be it good or bad. I know I can handle the bad. I know I can expect the good. Everything is hunky dory, even the shit that isn’t, because better a devil you know than the one you don’t, right?

That’s what keeps playing in my head while I try to push out of my comfort zone and find another job. If I stay here, I know how much I’ll make. I’ll know what my hours are. I’ll know my what my commute is like. I know what is expected of me. I know my job top to bottom, back to front, and every bit in between to the point where I can perform my required functions blindfolded and listening to an audiobook.

But that’s also the problem. Complacency =/ growth. Stagnation =/ progress. At this point, I am putting in my precious hours each day for little more than a monetary reward and, while there was a time in my life where that was perfectly acceptable because sometimes all you can do is get by, I’m not in that position any more. This isn’t necessary.

But the alternative is scary. The alternative is letting go and trusting and hoping, with absolutely no guarantee of success.

I absolutely need to leave this job. And the sooner the better.

But I keep looking at how comfy-cushy it is, how safe and warm and inviting, and I keep wondering if that’s the right decision. Whatever I get next will have a learning curve. I’ll have to navigate a new schedule. I’ll have to stand up for myself. I’ll have to scrimp and save and cut back to keep our ends meeting.

So many scary things! But every time I look at them, every time they rear up, it’s only more reason to go and do it. I have always been afraid of complacency, of letting myself get used to the status quo and stop reaching, but I’ve been doing that for the better part of a year now. There are a dozen really good reasons to stay. But stagnation is a big enough reason to leave.


Filed under n steps, simply informative