I am sooooo cranky. And depressed. It’s a weird and nasty combination. I feel like I need to go hide in a cave until I can get my shit together and stop snapping at people, but work doesn’t exactly let me do that…
I did not test this morning. I’m not going to test this cycle unless I have a really compelling reason to – namely, missed period or really intense symptoms. I feel like I should test because I have so many internet cheapies, but I also know that I shouldn’t because every time I see that negative is another punch in the gut. And it’s much easier these days to not test, so why would I do that to myself?
I feel like I should start making a plan for next week but it’s very difficult to look past the next few days right now…
Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust
Day 7: Four Memories I Will Never Forget
…barring dementia and/or Alzheimer’s, of course…
1) Telling my brother that the number four was my favorite number, having him tell me it was only my favorite number because I was currently four, and then subsequently deciding then and there that it would always be my favorite number. It still is. Let this be a lesson to how stubborn I can be.
2) Valentine’s Day, 2003. Friday. I had a sad day at my school in Germany because roses and candy etc were being given out and I didn’t get any – of course – but I was buoyed up because I got to commiserate with the new friends I was (finally) making. Then I came home and my host mother sat me down and laid out all the reasons I was a horrible person and was destroying their family and failing to make friends at school and that I would be leaving their family for another host family first thing the coming week. I just remember sitting on the edge of my bed, crying, while she said horrible thing after horrible thing that she had not so much as hinted at before.
3) My (now) wife telling me that I was the one she liked on the steps of a big pink marble building at night while the bay wind whistled cold around us.
4) That one time my ex-roommate woke me up by banging on our dorm’s sliding glass door at 2am, then begged me to come and help because her friends were being kicked off campus by the cops for being drunk and obnoxious, but being drunk they couldn’t drive themselves, so she needed me, so I picked up their rowdy asses and then spent the next 30min with one drunk yelling angrily at the top of his lungs in the backseat of my car, another occasionally opening the side door and threatening to jump out (while we were going 40+ mph, mind you), a third crying and apologizing, and my drunk ex-roommate doing a really poor job of handling anything, our projected destination changing every 1-2 minutes (take them to the Walmart to sober up! no they had a friend a mile or two away they could crash at! no what about angry drunk’s parents’ house! why wouldn’t I take them back to campus and let them drive their cars while drunk?!), until finally we settled on Walmart for bathroom necessity, where – after two of them called a taxi to get them home – the third went off running across the parking lot and disappeared. I heard later that he found a place to sleep in somebody’s back yard and hitchhiked his way home the next day, but I have never done a favor for that ex-roommate since.
This was a pretty interesting memory experiment. I tried really hard to come up with strong, positive memories, but the overwhelming majority that came to mind were instead very negative – although at least in a formative way. I feel like I need to be more mindful about consciously recalling positive memories so that they don’t fade as much as they have/do.