Tag Archives: two week wait

IUI Alpha, DPO 3: Distractions

Holy fuck how is it only DPO 3.

You’d think I’d never survived a 2WW before. Well, I’m probably just out of practice. The last few I knew were long shots, so I didn’t get my hopes up. This time, I’m weirdly optimistic. My temp went up. I’m on drugs for the PCOS now. There were two eggs. At this point, I’m actually feeling very confident. And then I think about how much longer we have to wait…

Anyway, to stay distracted I’ve been working on a new tumblr: Speck Runs. It’s running/lifting/mental health oriented and I thought a few of you guys might be interested. It’s hard to find anything that is fitness inspiration without a metric ton of body shaming, so I decided to curate my own.

So far it’s been a fun distraction, but I can’t be on tumblr all the time. I’ve also been planning a short little trip up north where we can play in the snow and just generally be out of town and contact for a day or two. I’ve been looking at places to go for food and what kind of clothes I should bring, but it’s still not enough to keep the incessant wondering from the back of my mind.

That’s the one truth I’ve learned about the two week wait: being busy helps, but nothing can stop that constant questioning.

Just 11 (12 [13]) more days…

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IUI Alpha, CD12: And Thus Begins the Two Weeks

I don’t have confirmed ovulation yet, so I’m hesitant to really get the party started, but I triggered yesterday and we did the IUI this morning sooo…

Do you guys usually start the wait on the day of the IUI, do you wait until you’ve confirmed ovulation? I originally wasn’t going to temp at all this cycle, but I think I’ll just temp over the next few days to make absolutely sure. I know I should just chill – the RE was pleased as punch with the timing after all – but it’s hard not to turn off my “but what could still go wrong??”

Breathe. Reset.

My RE said wait 15 days and then call them if I start or take a HPT and call them if it’s positive. That sounds like a good plan. I don’t want to test at all until I’m at least a little late, so that will be Monday, January 4th. Wow, writing that down makes it look so far away, but hopefully these next two weeks will be heavy with holiday stuff and distractions.

I have a ton of books to read, for one. I really need to get back into writing. I’m talking my wife into going out of town for Christmas and maybe renting a cabin in some snow and mountains. I need to think about 2016 and what I want it to mean for me. I need to let go of 2015. I need to clean the bath tub. I need to see the new Star Wars. I need to hang out with friends. I need to wrap blankets around myself and drink hot cocoa. I have trails to run and barbells to lift.

Here’s to keeping busy.

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TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 13 & Last Meme Day

I don’t have anything to say that hasn’t been said before, so

Meme’wards!

Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust

 

Day 10: One Person I Can Trust

1) This isn’t going to come as any surprise, but the one person I know I can always rely on to not only be there, but to tell me the truth, to accept who I am, and to love me is my wife. I am blessed to be able to rely on all of my friends, but my wife has my ultimate trust – which is probably proper.

 

 

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TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 12

I tested this morning because a) I wanted to make sure my gut feeling was right and b) if it was positive, this would be my last Sunday cook-up where I could have a glass (or two) of wine.

My intuition is right and it was negative. I was not surprised and frankly, I was a little relieved. I want to be able to trust what my body is telling me, and it is telling me right now that this one didn’t work. So. Good to have that confirmed.

Starting to feel a little better. Haven’t cried even once today, so go me. It helps knowing that in a few days I will feel normal again. Plus, this validates my hypothesis that this whole depression is not strictly TTC related. If it were, then the BFN this morning should have sent me spiraling back down. But it did not.

I feel like I have been incredibly negative on here lately and I’m not going to apologize for it. I am going to say that I will continue chronicling my emotions because it has helped me to see that it is both an ongoing problem and cyclical. I wish I had been paying closer attention a year ago, but we have what we have. But I understand if you unfollow me because depressed people Are Not Fun.

At least it should get brighter in the days to come.

Meme’wards!

Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust

 

Day 9: Two Things I Wish I Could Do

 

1) Apropos my current situation: snap out of depression whenever I felt like it, or at least as easily as people make it sound like it should be. Instead, I might as well try to turn into a train.

2) Play an instrument. Or really have any sort of musical talent. I’ve had a uke for over two years now and all I can do is strum idly. I’ve tried learning and watching youtube videos and reading books, but what I really need is a teacher and that is where this becomes a wish instead of a goal, because I just don’t have the time to devote to learning/playing. It is not my top priority. But it sure would be nice if I could actually play my uke in the evening sometimes and have it not sound like a dying cat.

 

 

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TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 11

Does anyone have experience with PMDD? I don’t know if I have it, but I have experienced every single one of those symptoms – short of panic attacks – for each of the past five/six cycles. It could just be complicated by the TTC process, but I feel absolutely out of control of my emotions, whereas normally I can at least talk some sense into myself. It’s like I’ve been forced out of the emotion process and have to stand outside and watch through the window as everything goes tits up. This isn’t even remotely rational. It hasn’t been for a while.

All that is to say I think I’m finally ready to go see a therapist. When I’m more depressed and for longer than my wife, who is clinically depressed, then maybe I need to admit there’s an actual problem. Well, not admit. That’s not the right word. Realize.

Ugh. Just. The whole finding a therapist process. Calling them. Hoping they aren’t an asshole. Finding one that actually works. Plus figuring out how to get there and back from work, how to get enough time to go from work, and all the prerequisite logistics… there are so many hoops and hurdles to jump through it’s ridiculous. Especially because work went from being super lax to super strict about time (fuckers).

But this isn’t really about me anymore. My wife deserves better than this.

Meme’wards!

Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust

 

Day 8: Three Words I Can’t Operate Without

I’m going to leave aside the obvious to be, pronouns, and articles because those are boring.

 

1) Goodness.

2) Love

3) Fuck

 

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TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 10

I am sooooo cranky. And depressed. It’s a weird and nasty combination. I feel like I need to go hide in a cave until I can get my shit together and stop snapping at people, but work doesn’t exactly let me do that…

I did not test this morning. I’m not going to test this cycle unless I have a really compelling reason to – namely, missed period or really intense symptoms. I feel like I should test because I have so many internet cheapies, but I also know that I shouldn’t because every time I see that negative is another punch in the gut. And it’s much easier these days to not test, so why would I do that to myself?

I feel like I should start making a plan for next week but it’s very difficult to look past the next few days right now…

Meme’wards!

Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust

 

Day 7: Four Memories I Will Never Forget

…barring dementia and/or Alzheimer’s, of course…

1) Telling my brother that the number four was my favorite number, having him tell me it was only my favorite number because I was currently four, and then subsequently deciding then and there that it would always be my favorite number. It still is. Let this be a lesson to how stubborn I can be.

2) Valentine’s Day, 2003. Friday. I had a sad day at my school in Germany because roses and candy etc were being given out and I didn’t get any – of course – but I was buoyed up because I got to commiserate with the new friends I was (finally) making. Then I came home and my host mother sat me down and laid out all the reasons I was a horrible person and was destroying their family and failing to make friends at school and that I would be leaving their family for another host family first thing the coming week. I just remember sitting on the edge of my bed, crying, while she said horrible thing after horrible thing that she had not so much as hinted at before.

3) My (now) wife telling me that I was the one she liked on the steps of a big pink marble building at night while the bay wind whistled cold around us.

4) That one time my ex-roommate woke me up by banging on our dorm’s sliding glass door at 2am, then begged me to come and help because her friends were being kicked off campus by the cops for being drunk and obnoxious, but being drunk they couldn’t drive themselves, so she needed me, so I picked up their rowdy asses and then spent the next 30min with one drunk yelling angrily at the top of his lungs in the backseat of my car, another occasionally opening the side door and threatening to jump out (while we were going 40+ mph, mind you), a third crying and apologizing, and my drunk ex-roommate doing a really poor job of handling anything, our projected destination changing every 1-2 minutes (take them to the Walmart to sober up! no they had a friend a mile or two away they could crash at! no what about angry drunk’s parents’ house! why wouldn’t I take them back to campus and let them drive their cars while drunk?!), until finally we settled on Walmart for bathroom necessity, where – after two of them called a taxi to get them home – the third went off running across the parking lot and disappeared. I heard later that he found a place to sleep in somebody’s back yard and hitchhiked his way home the next day, but I have never done a favor for that ex-roommate since.

 

This was a pretty interesting memory experiment. I tried really hard to come up with strong, positive memories, but the overwhelming majority that came to mind were instead very negative – although at least in a formative way. I feel like I need to be more mindful about consciously recalling positive memories so that they don’t fade as much as they have/do.

 

 

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TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 9

I was going to test this morning if either a) I had some more promising symptoms, or b) my temp had risen further. Instead, I had neither and my temp plummeted to pre-coverline levels and now I have no idea. I’m not going to read into it, even though it’s a New Thing, because I had New Things – i.e. elevated temps – last cycle and that meant nothing.

But I will test tomorrow.

…maybe.

Meme’wards!

Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust

 

Day 6: Five Things You Can’t Live Without

I’m going to take the “things” at face value and not cheat by putting people in. But wow, five is a lot.

1) Coffee. Tea. Caffeine in general. A warm morning beverage. I have gone without all of the previous three before and been fine, but mentally I just need that morning cue that says it’s time to start the day, be it hot water with lemon or herbal tea or chicken broth.

2) Sunlight. As a Florida baby, it took moving to Seattle to really understand this, but damn do I need sunlight. Those light boxes help a little when it’s gray, but I need a full dose from the actual sun every day to thrive. It’s a good thing we live in the desert. I’m a little worried about where we’ll end up next.

3) Vegetables. I don’t understand people who don’t touch a single vegetable each day. If I don’t at least have a heaping plate of greens these days, I feel like a big ball of rolling ick.

4) A word processor. I have to write; I simply can’t not. And I could make do with pen and paper for a short while – I did when I stayed in Russia for a summer – but I can only write so much at a time before my hand cramps up and my brain is already pre-programmed to function on the level of a word processor – that is, with the ability to instantly go back and edit. Thankfully I have this wee netbook that only weighs a few pounds and fits in my purse and I love love love it so much.

5) Music. Even if I have to sing to myself, I need music in my life. I need it to run, to write, to cogitate, to walk, to clean, to work, to drive, to cheer up, to wallow, to get angry, to encourage, to inflame, to – you get the picture. 🙂

 

 

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