Tag Archives: two week wait

IUI Beta, 12 DPO: Holy Fuck

Wow. Thank you for the outpouring of love and congrats yesterday. It feels like this is happening to someone else. I had to keep checking the HPT to make sure I wasn’t imagining things. Doublechecked five times that it says HCG and not LH (lol). I was half convinced it was a fluke and the next HPT would be dead white again. But nope:

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That is definitely definitely positive. Not even a squinter.

I’m still hesitant to even think it’s possible. I kind of want to hold out really believing it until that line keeps getting darker for a few days. So worried about it being a chemical, but even if it is – holy fuck. I’ve never seen two lines before. I can implant! Yes! Now I just need that sucker to grow. If all goes well, I’ll be calling the RE on Monday and we’ll get a beta test sometime this week.

So, so hard not to think about all the worst case scenarios. I’m just trying to breathe and accept and take each day that I have a positive test as a gift. Thankfully, I have a massage today.

I’ll update with more stuff about symptoms (or the lack thereof) if it’s still darker tomorrow.

In the meantime, here’s my strangely fortuitously timed haircut:

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IUI Beta, 4DPO: Silly Things

My therapist talks a lot about normalizing the TTC process as much as possible, so it can better recede into the background of my mind instead of constantly clamoring at the front and taking up much-needed mental real estate.

One way we considered doing this – because so much about lesbian TTC is not normal and well out of our comfort zones – was to take a pregnancy test every day of the two week wait. I scoffed at this at first, but then I was like “well maybe.” So I got a bunch of extra cheap HPTs before this cycle and now is the time to see if it helps.

Of course, I missed the first few days because I’m bad at remembering things like this first thing in the morning. But I caught today and left the stick for me to find much later.

In my sleepiness I had left it to dry upside down, so I had to turn it over before I could throw it away. And what did I see but two little lines. I stared stupidly at the thing for a whole 10 sec, because wtf that’s impossible at 4DPO and I didn’t even get a trigger, before I realized that the stick’s handle was the wrong color and oh, it had little LHs all over it.

OMG. Somehow an OPK ended up in my HPT pile! Thank god I started testing today when I knew it was way, way too early. I had a little laugh at myself then promptly resolved to double check each one before using it. 🙂

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IUI Beta is a Go!

Woo! I don’t know what happened, but this is now the second time our timing could have been off but wasn’t. It’s like when we were on our own, what could go wrong always went wrong, but with IUI, what could go wrong… doesn’t.

Anyway. One big fat honking follicle this time at 23mm. RE said we could do the IUI right then or wait until tomorrow morning. He thinks I’ll ovulate early tomorrow. My gut says today. All of the medical literature I’ve read indicates that insem before ov gives a much, much bigger chance of success, so I trusted my instinct and we went ahead and did the IUI this morning.

The vial was also A++. 16mm sperm and super motile.

So. Two weeks. You know how it goes. I’m going to channel whatever Chill Vibe I had these last two weeks and take this day by day by day. I’m not even going to think about the chances or whether or not it could work. I’m going to keep taking my vitamin d (a++ would recommend) and eating lower carb and lots of veggies and focusing on weightlifting and doing the little things every day that bring me closer to my other dreams. This would have been impossible to do five, six, seven months ago, but my brain chemistry has definitely changed in some fundamental way and I am 100% glad for it.

Really. Vitamin D. If you’re having trouble with anxiety/depression and lifestyle changes aren’t doing it, try taking a ridiculous amount. I started taking 4000IU a day in early December and my depressive periods have shortened from a week to a day, half a day. It’s amazing.

Here’s to luck and one more try after this. ❤

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IUI Alpha DPO16

…uuuhh

What’s going on here??

According to Dr Google, it’s not uncommon to have an unnaturally long luteal phase on letrozole. This is the first I’ve heard of it, of course. Has this happened to any of you? My LP has always been my solid rock in the storm of TTC – 14 days exactly. Having even that taken away sucks.

Even with negative tests, I can’t be 100% certain I’m not pregnant until the blood prophecy arrives, which also sucks because I didn’t get to go drinking with my friends yesterday to celebrate another failed cycle.

On the upside, the later I start, the more likely we can do a January cycle. My RE is on vacation until the 18th, so if we’re going to be late, we might as well be really late. Come on, body!

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Filed under BFN, TTC, two week wait

Hello 2016

january-5 We rang in the new year with friends and fire, which is always appropriate. Drinks were raised and wishes were made and everyone hoped for a better 2016 than 2015.

I sipped a cranberry tonic all evening, which I can’t recommend enough. Just cranberry juice and tonic water, but I still felt like I was celebrating. I get to drink again tomorrow, assuming my intuition is correct. We shall see.

I have already started practicing my new year’s resolution to not hesitate. I’ve been wanting to do something different with my hair for a while – it’s straight and flat and boring – but I didn’t know what until I was idly scanning pinterest one day. Within an hour I had ordered myself a curling iron with some leftover Christmas money and I couldn’t be more pleased. There’s still a learning curve, but it’s given me a boost of cuteness when I needed it most.

I also spent all of New Year’s Day wrapped in blankets and reading. It was great. I even started writing again – granted, 200 words, but that’s 200 more than I’ve written in almost a month. My only real goals for the year are to read and write more. I have a list of 20 books to read that are all firmly within my genre and I have a calendar which I’m marking off for every day that I write. These are both things that, done consistently, will improve my life. They are also some of the few things I have control over right now.

I have drinks and donuts planned for tomorrow to take the sting out of this cycle failing. I know it’s not over until it’s over, but I know my body and my body is prophesying tides of blood. Besides, it would be kind of embarrassing to have to cancel those plans because then I’d have to tell my friends why, so I’m sort of daring it. It’s like anti-jinxing. Either way I win.

So far, I’m doing surprisingly well. I’ve been a lot more gentle on myself than usual these two weeks, but I think it’s also the amount of vitamin D I’ve been taking: 4400 iu. Which is to say: a metric shit ton. 100 iu is your daily recommended, so that’s 4400%. It sounds like a lot, but I feel so much more like my usual self. I got sad when I got the BFN on Wednesday, but that sadness felt normal. None of that out of control, feeling like a truck is on my chest, unable to breathe, unable to think, unable to function, flat out depression. The true test will be tomorrow, but considering I’m normally a non-functioning mess by the end of my 2WW, I’m optimistic.

I’ve read a lot about PCOS and vitamin D, and simply needing more in general because of the PCOS. I wonder: have any of you experienced the same thing?

Hope 2016 is treating you right so far!

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IUI Alpha, DPO 11: OHSS?

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Kitty faces make everything better.

I think I might have had a mild form of OHSS. Or maybe it’s just a typical reaction to letrozole and HCG? I got super duper bloated and started retaining water hardcore for a few days, gained 4lbs, had headaches, sore boobs, and all sorts of abdominal distress. Basically, I was a gas machine.

Of course, I was all like “symptoms?!” and when I discovered an extra cheapo HPT living in my purse (wtf?), I decided what the hell, might as well. Of course it was negative, but I’m kind of relieved that I did take the HPT, because now I can stop what-if-ing about those particular symptoms and blame them on (perhaps) OHSS instead.

Also of course: all of that bloating and distress has receded a bit today. So now I want to ask ya’ll: has this ever happened to you with an IUI? I only had two follicles and I’m sure I’ve had two release during other, unmedicated cycles, but this is the first time something like this has happened. Maybe it was something else?

As far as confidence about this cycle goes, that confidence has waned considerably. I am now 95% certain that I’ll get to have a big glass of wine on Sunday. I’m okay with it right now, but whether that’s because it’s still to come or because I know we did everything we could this time or because I have doubled the amount of vitamin D I’m taking… well, I guess we’ll see.

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IUI Alpha, DPO 9: The Waiting Game

flagstaff

Because of new job and not knowing whether or not we would even be in the country for Christmas back when the planning was being done, we ended up home on our own this year. Which was fine – more than fine. Needed, even.

With a four day weekend looming in the middle of our 2WW, I knew we’d need to get out of town, though. I wanted snow and I wanted hiking and I wanted hot cocoa and a fireplace, so I found us a hotel in Flagstaff with a fireplace and left work early on Wednesday and we drove and drove.

So for Christmas Eve, we had snow. And it finally felt like Christmas. Without extended family or presents or a big tree, snow was the only thing left. We went for a hike and it was wonderfully cold and quiet. It started snowing on us towards the end, but they were these tiny little pellets of ice really. We went back to town and had hot cocoa and sat in front of a fire and then I finally succumbed to the migraine that had been growing all day.

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(If you squint, you can see sideways snow!)

We drove back Christmas morning. For a while, it was slow going because it was snowing sideways and only one lane was really clear, but oh, it was gorgeous.

It was a bit of a last minute decision, but I’m glad we did it. In fact, it helped to underscore something that I’ve very thoroughly learned this past year: last minute is fine. Rash, quick decisions are fine.

I am tired of waiting, and for every important decision I made this year I waited way too long. My intuition was correct each time, and had I acted sooner, we might be in a better place now. Certainly, we’re better off than we would have been if I hadn’t made the decisions at all, but time and time again I have waited and over-analyzed a situation before acting when I could have acted much sooner.

Of course, I say that as we’re in the middle of waiting for this 2WW to end. Nothing I can do about that. I’d test sooner, but I only have three HPTs left – exactly one for each IUI we can do. So I’ll practice patience here, but everywhere else – you better watch out.

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