Tag Archives: queer moms

Light… Somewhere in the Tunnel

We tried something new for the last few nights and it seems to be working for us. I sleep in the office until 12 or 1am and Dr Lady handles the baby during that time, including feeding. Then I get up, pump, and go to bed on baby’s side and am on baby duty until 5-6am, when I get up, pump again, and try to work.

This would work even better if I actually fell asleep when I go to bed. x.x Baby can go 4-5 hours without eating in the first stretch of the night now (or at least for the last five or six days), which means I only miss one feed during that first window. But for some reason, despite being exhausted all day, I wake up right when it’s time to go to bed and then I just lie there for an hour, two, wishing I could fall asleep. I’ve tried a little beer. I’ve tried benadryl. I didn’t even have a second (or third) cup of coffee yesterday. I expect it’s anxiety. :/

Dr Lady’s having the same problem. She *could* go to sleep during that first watch and catch a few hours, but that would require actually falling asleep. Sleep deprivation is stupid and cruel and I want to punch it in the face. :<

The other fun part is I can only sleep for an hour at a time before waking up. So even with this opportunity to (easily!) get a stretch of 3 or 4 hours, I can’t. I imagine this is one of those things that will get better with more practice, but right now it’s frustrating to know I have the time and space to get sleep, to know Dr Lady is handling the fussing, crying baby on her own so I can sleep, but I just. can’t.

Anyway. That will get better if we keep doing this, I’m sure. I’m just not sure how long I want to do this. On the one hand, it’s helping. On the other, it means sleeping on the floor in the office and an extra pumping session. On the other (oh god why do I have three hands??), it’s less time spent cuddling. But, well, sleep first. All things second.

At least Lady Jr’s sleep has stabilized a little. She’s still waking up fussing every 60-75min but she’s going down a little easier and there’ve been a few times where we just waited a minute or two and she put herself back to sleep. Not every time, but sometimes. So we’re playing a sort of wait-and-see game of CIO – if she’s just fussing, we wait. If she starts really crying, we give it a minute or two and then go in and soothe her. I don’t know if this is helping her learn good sleep habits, but it’s helping us, and until we both are in a better place, that’s the important bit.

So. Deep breath. Hopefully this strategy continues to improve the situation. I would love to start working on other pieces of life that need attention (weight, health, exercise, work, general feeling of malaise, friends, cleaning, literally everything else). One thing at a time, though.

Here, you made it this far. Have a picture of a baby who likes to roll onto her stomach, only to cry because now she’s on her stomach. God, I love this baby so much.




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17 Weeks


Lady Jr will be officially Four Months Old this coming Saturday. I both can’t even and can even. It is a strange feeling

Let’s see… what’s new this week:

1. She is increasingly fighting any and all sleep. We were able to hold her until her eyes started to flutter, then put her down and leave. Now, if we do that, she immediately starts fussing. I have to hold her for 20min before I can put her down without any crying, but then she’s up again 10min later and we have to do it again.

While I don’t mind holding her for the occasional nap during the day, this has begun happening at night, too. We have had several nights where she wakes, I feed her, I put her down – and then, even with her eyes closed, she starts crying. Pick her up, hold her, quiet her, put her down – same thing. It’s not gas, it’s not hunger, it’s not a diaper, there are no symptoms of teething. If we let her fuss, it just gets worse. So we soothe and settle and cry and repeat until she finally stays down without a peep. Only for her to wake again 20, 30min later.

But it’s sporadic, too. Sometimes she’ll go 3 hours just fine, which is the only reason I haven’t gone mad with sleep dep yet. I can’t figure out what’s different. She gets her naps during the day, we avoid letting her stay awake too long, we have a bedtime routine and time we follow religiously. But her sleep has been shit for over three weeks and now it’s getting worse instead of better.

We’re trying to be stubborn about putting her down drowsy, even when it means constantly having to go in and soothe her, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Everything I read is contradictory, too. She doesn’t seem ready for CIO, and neither am I, so it looks like we’ll just keep doing what we’re doing until one of us breaks. As long as I get the occasional 3 hour chunk of sleep, I can function. And coffee. Lots of coffee.


2) She’s gotten so good at grasping things! She now grabs and pulls things to her when they’re within reach, which means we gotta start being more careful about what’s in reach. This includes hair, hats, toys, diapers – anything.


3) Tummy time is slowly becoming less excruciating for everyone involved. They must be working on it at daycare because early last week I got her to lay on her tummy for 2min without fussing, but not really lifting her head, but on Friday I put her on her tummy and she immediately pushed to her elbows and lifted her head. She still doesn’t particularly care for it, but there’s progress.


4) She’s getting more and more responsive to facial expressions. She has started smiling when we smile at her, which is one of the best feelings.


All in all, she’s getting stronger and becoming more and more of her own, tiny person. I love her and her cuddles and her smiles and sometimes it’s still really hard (see: when she won’t sleep more than 20min at a time) but I know this, too, shall pass.


As for me, I really need to figure out a way to exercise while exhausted and taking care of a baby. My diet has steadily improved now that my parents are gone (no more pumpkin pie on the counter or daily KFC makes a big difference). I can run or lift weights on Wed/Thurs/Fri when baby is at daycare, but I really need to be doing something every day. I know my body will never be what it was, but I’ll feel better about myself if I’m at least a little stronger, a little healthier, and – yes – able to fit into most of my skirts come summer.

The problem, so far, is that whatever free time I have – i.e. when baby’s sleeping – I spend writing. I have a book due July 1st and knowing my writing process, four and a half months, while doable, is also not much time at all. I have to hit word count every. single. day. otherwise I risk missing my deadline. It’s a little stressful. And it also means that instead of using my free time to lift or run or otherwise do self care, I’m working. But what else can I do?

This, too, shall pass.

So I’ll just keep looking forward to spring and warmer weather and being able to take baby out to the garage with me or go for a run with her. In the meantime, the aching solitude of being stuck at home alone with a baby will just have to be, and I’ll just have to deal with it by embracing this time devoid of distractions in which I can just be with my baby.


More pics because the world is dark and scary and it needs more cute baby photos:





Edited to addLady Jr just rolled from belly to back! Twice!! Woo!


Filed under gaybies, simply informative

9 Weeks

9 Weeks!

Lady Jr

She’s babbling and smiling more and more. She’s now “talking” occasionally, a mix of coos and truncated cries. She’s decided she likes being on her back on the floor more than being held, sometimes, and she can occasionally find her fist and stick it in her mouth.

And, for the past three days, she only seems to cry when something is wrong. Either she’s hungry or wet or tired or wants to be held. No more crying for crying’s sake (*crosses fingers*) and – possibly – no more gas. Completely coincidentally, I gave up dairy and wheat three days ago. Hmm.

She’ll be out of 0-3 clothes soon, probably in another week or two. She’s long and thin, but she’s starting to pork up a bit – as is good and proper. She needs some proper fat on her to fuel her crawling and mental leaps. I’m so pleased when I notice a new chub roll. Is that weird?

Her 2 month check-up is on Thursday and I’m excited to find out how much she’s grown. Less excited about the shots, because I don’t know how she’ll deal with them, but then, if a little fussiness is all I have to deal with in exchange for Lady Jr not getting whopping cough, then hell I’ll deal with it.

Sleepwise, it’s a struggle to get her to nap during the day, but nights are a breeze after 11pm/12am. As noted, she slept 7 hours one night (with a wake up for a wet diaper). Then she slept six (god, my boobs hurt after that!), four, five, four. I’m still absolutely okay with four, since it means I get 2-3 hours of sleep, but I’ll take whatever means sleep.

We’ve also officially transitioned to her sleeping with us in the bedroom. Right now she’s staying in her bouncer where I can open my eyes and see her face, but she’s had two (three?) 20-30 min naps in the crib, so I have hope we’ll be able to transition her out of the bouncer in the coming weeks. I just really want her to be able to sleep in the crib by the time she goes to daycare, because otherwise that’s going to be too much all at once. I keep having awful visions of her screaming in the daycare crib and the workers just letting her cry it out and her just getting more and more worked up. :< So yeah, need her to know how to sleep in the crib before that.

But. Omg. Back to sleeping in the bedroom. This means I am no longer sleeping on the couch and it is AMAZING. I sleep so much better and I think I got eight hours last night?? Not all at once, of course, but accumulated. It makes such a big difference. AND I get to cuddle my wife again. So good.



Feeling pretty good with something more akin to sufficient sleep. And now I’ve been able to start eat better again, too, which means I’m starting to feel more like my old self. I have more time to make real food instead of subsisting on cheese and crackers and whatever fast food my parents bring by. Some of my bloat is starting to go away, hoorah. Here’s hoping this also fixes whatever’s up with my knees.

I did drop dairy and wheat last week after Lady Jr had another screaming-like-in-pain fit. She threw up almost an entire feed worth of curdled milk and kicked and screamed and just, it broke my heart. We’d tried gas drops and probiotics and I’d already dropped the potential gas culprits like cauliflower and broccoli. Then I noticed that I was starting to react to wheat again, so I decided, fuck it, time to cut that out. And the next day, the pain-screaming had stopped and over the next few days, the fussiness got better.

I don’t know if it’s the wheat or the dairy. I wasn’t having much dairy to begin with, and even then it was mostly cheese and yogurt. But I know I have a problem with wheat and the internet says dairy is a common intolerance, so. I might try reintroducing dairy in a week or two, but wheat needs to go the way of nightshades for now. Alas.

Not baby-related, it snowed buckets this week and I am so. excite. I’ve been out in it every day and I even got to shovel our incredibly long driveway! My back still hurts a little, but it was fun. Although any tips on how to keep walking on that ice and packed snow would be great because I almost slipped and fell four times today. :<


Dr Lady

Still having trouble trying to pry baby from my hands. Still having difficulty balancing work and baby. Evenings are definitely better now that Lady Jr isn’t crying for three hours straight. Actually, everything overall is better now that she gets to see Lady Jr smile and laugh and interact. That really goes a long way.

But there are still times when boobs are the only answer and she feels insufficient. I’m trying to be better about swooping, and she’s been able to get Lady Jr to sleep or calmed down on her own, so I think it’s helping.

But yeah. Being away from your baby all day is hard. I have no idea how I’m going to do it in just four more weeks.


Now, more pictures, because pictures!


Been diggin’ this fleece-lined cover for the carrier. Keeps baby nice and toasty and safe from the wind.


Shoveling the walk like a boss.

This moose footie makes us all ridiculously happy.


Our cat- and now baby-proof yule tree.


Dis baby tho.


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