Tag Archives: maybe baby

TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 12

I tested this morning because a) I wanted to make sure my gut feeling was right and b) if it was positive, this would be my last Sunday cook-up where I could have a glass (or two) of wine.

My intuition is right and it was negative. I was not surprised and frankly, I was a little relieved. I want to be able to trust what my body is telling me, and it is telling me right now that this one didn’t work. So. Good to have that confirmed.

Starting to feel a little better. Haven’t cried even once today, so go me. It helps knowing that in a few days I will feel normal again. Plus, this validates my hypothesis that this whole depression is not strictly TTC related. If it were, then the BFN this morning should have sent me spiraling back down. But it did not.

I feel like I have been incredibly negative on here lately and I’m not going to apologize for it. I am going to say that I will continue chronicling my emotions because it has helped me to see that it is both an ongoing problem and cyclical. I wish I had been paying closer attention a year ago, but we have what we have. But I understand if you unfollow me because depressed people Are Not Fun.

At least it should get brighter in the days to come.

Meme’wards!

Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust

 

Day 9: Two Things I Wish I Could Do

 

1) Apropos my current situation: snap out of depression whenever I felt like it, or at least as easily as people make it sound like it should be. Instead, I might as well try to turn into a train.

2) Play an instrument. Or really have any sort of musical talent. I’ve had a uke for over two years now and all I can do is strum idly. I’ve tried learning and watching youtube videos and reading books, but what I really need is a teacher and that is where this becomes a wish instead of a goal, because I just don’t have the time to devote to learning/playing. It is not my top priority. But it sure would be nice if I could actually play my uke in the evening sometimes and have it not sound like a dying cat.

 

 

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TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 11

Does anyone have experience with PMDD? I don’t know if I have it, but I have experienced every single one of those symptoms – short of panic attacks – for each of the past five/six cycles. It could just be complicated by the TTC process, but I feel absolutely out of control of my emotions, whereas normally I can at least talk some sense into myself. It’s like I’ve been forced out of the emotion process and have to stand outside and watch through the window as everything goes tits up. This isn’t even remotely rational. It hasn’t been for a while.

All that is to say I think I’m finally ready to go see a therapist. When I’m more depressed and for longer than my wife, who is clinically depressed, then maybe I need to admit there’s an actual problem. Well, not admit. That’s not the right word. Realize.

Ugh. Just. The whole finding a therapist process. Calling them. Hoping they aren’t an asshole. Finding one that actually works. Plus figuring out how to get there and back from work, how to get enough time to go from work, and all the prerequisite logistics… there are so many hoops and hurdles to jump through it’s ridiculous. Especially because work went from being super lax to super strict about time (fuckers).

But this isn’t really about me anymore. My wife deserves better than this.

Meme’wards!

Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust

 

Day 8: Three Words I Can’t Operate Without

I’m going to leave aside the obvious to be, pronouns, and articles because those are boring.

 

1) Goodness.

2) Love

3) Fuck

 

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TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 10

I am sooooo cranky. And depressed. It’s a weird and nasty combination. I feel like I need to go hide in a cave until I can get my shit together and stop snapping at people, but work doesn’t exactly let me do that…

I did not test this morning. I’m not going to test this cycle unless I have a really compelling reason to – namely, missed period or really intense symptoms. I feel like I should test because I have so many internet cheapies, but I also know that I shouldn’t because every time I see that negative is another punch in the gut. And it’s much easier these days to not test, so why would I do that to myself?

I feel like I should start making a plan for next week but it’s very difficult to look past the next few days right now…

Meme’wards!

Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust

 

Day 7: Four Memories I Will Never Forget

…barring dementia and/or Alzheimer’s, of course…

1) Telling my brother that the number four was my favorite number, having him tell me it was only my favorite number because I was currently four, and then subsequently deciding then and there that it would always be my favorite number. It still is. Let this be a lesson to how stubborn I can be.

2) Valentine’s Day, 2003. Friday. I had a sad day at my school in Germany because roses and candy etc were being given out and I didn’t get any – of course – but I was buoyed up because I got to commiserate with the new friends I was (finally) making. Then I came home and my host mother sat me down and laid out all the reasons I was a horrible person and was destroying their family and failing to make friends at school and that I would be leaving their family for another host family first thing the coming week. I just remember sitting on the edge of my bed, crying, while she said horrible thing after horrible thing that she had not so much as hinted at before.

3) My (now) wife telling me that I was the one she liked on the steps of a big pink marble building at night while the bay wind whistled cold around us.

4) That one time my ex-roommate woke me up by banging on our dorm’s sliding glass door at 2am, then begged me to come and help because her friends were being kicked off campus by the cops for being drunk and obnoxious, but being drunk they couldn’t drive themselves, so she needed me, so I picked up their rowdy asses and then spent the next 30min with one drunk yelling angrily at the top of his lungs in the backseat of my car, another occasionally opening the side door and threatening to jump out (while we were going 40+ mph, mind you), a third crying and apologizing, and my drunk ex-roommate doing a really poor job of handling anything, our projected destination changing every 1-2 minutes (take them to the Walmart to sober up! no they had a friend a mile or two away they could crash at! no what about angry drunk’s parents’ house! why wouldn’t I take them back to campus and let them drive their cars while drunk?!), until finally we settled on Walmart for bathroom necessity, where – after two of them called a taxi to get them home – the third went off running across the parking lot and disappeared. I heard later that he found a place to sleep in somebody’s back yard and hitchhiked his way home the next day, but I have never done a favor for that ex-roommate since.

 

This was a pretty interesting memory experiment. I tried really hard to come up with strong, positive memories, but the overwhelming majority that came to mind were instead very negative – although at least in a formative way. I feel like I need to be more mindful about consciously recalling positive memories so that they don’t fade as much as they have/do.

 

 

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TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 9

I was going to test this morning if either a) I had some more promising symptoms, or b) my temp had risen further. Instead, I had neither and my temp plummeted to pre-coverline levels and now I have no idea. I’m not going to read into it, even though it’s a New Thing, because I had New Things – i.e. elevated temps – last cycle and that meant nothing.

But I will test tomorrow.

…maybe.

Meme’wards!

Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust

 

Day 6: Five Things You Can’t Live Without

I’m going to take the “things” at face value and not cheat by putting people in. But wow, five is a lot.

1) Coffee. Tea. Caffeine in general. A warm morning beverage. I have gone without all of the previous three before and been fine, but mentally I just need that morning cue that says it’s time to start the day, be it hot water with lemon or herbal tea or chicken broth.

2) Sunlight. As a Florida baby, it took moving to Seattle to really understand this, but damn do I need sunlight. Those light boxes help a little when it’s gray, but I need a full dose from the actual sun every day to thrive. It’s a good thing we live in the desert. I’m a little worried about where we’ll end up next.

3) Vegetables. I don’t understand people who don’t touch a single vegetable each day. If I don’t at least have a heaping plate of greens these days, I feel like a big ball of rolling ick.

4) A word processor. I have to write; I simply can’t not. And I could make do with pen and paper for a short while – I did when I stayed in Russia for a summer – but I can only write so much at a time before my hand cramps up and my brain is already pre-programmed to function on the level of a word processor – that is, with the ability to instantly go back and edit. Thankfully I have this wee netbook that only weighs a few pounds and fits in my purse and I love love love it so much.

5) Music. Even if I have to sing to myself, I need music in my life. I need it to run, to write, to cogitate, to walk, to clean, to work, to drive, to cheer up, to wallow, to get angry, to encourage, to inflame, to – you get the picture. 🙂

 

 

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TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 8

Apparently DPO7 onwards is depression time. All the fun symptoms of last week that absolutely didn’t count have disappeared, so I guess I know what PMS feels like for real now. In the meantime, I’m beginning to place my bets on whether or not this one worked. I’m at $5 it didn’t (i.e. 65% certain), but I have nothing to base that on but past performance and the creeping, inevitable depression that comes at the end of my cycle.

I finished my first draft of my WIP this morning, at least. Now it’s time to begin the editing process.

Meme’wards!

Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust

 

Day 5: Six Glorious Songs

Oh god, I don’t even know where to start, because I have so many absolute favorite that I could listen to forever, but I’ll try to go with what I’ve been listening to lately:

1) Remember the Name by Fort Minor

2) Olly Olly Oxen Free by Amanda Palmer

3) Shake it Out by Florence + The Machine

4) Vivre a en Crever from Mozart L’Opera Rock

5) Miss Jackson by Panic! At the Disco

6) The Bird and the Worm by Owl City

 

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TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 7

This is the two weeks that never end…

Meme’wards!

Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust

 

Day 4: Seven Fears/Phobias

1) I am inexplicably nervous around escalators. It used to be much worse – I would avoid escalators all together if at all possible – but over the years I’ve forced myself to get on them often enough that I only panic for a few seconds before I do. Still. I hate them and will take the stairs instead whenever possible.

2) Gaining weight. I’ve tempered this a little over the years by being able to convince myself that I’ve gained muscle in lieu of fat, but I am still very afraid of ballooning up and out of control. I was very large when I was a kid and I’ve been terrified of going back to that size ever since.

3) Losing my wife when I’m not there. This fear lingers from several years of intense anxiety attacks, but I still get nervous when my wife is somewhere else with the car. Thankfully, she’s (usually) pretty good about texting me every few hours about where she is.

4) The possibility that I fucked my body up through years of poor nutrition and little to no exercise. I’ve touched on this before – and likely will again – but I spent 10 years with veeeerrry long and irregular cycles and I’m afraid that is affecting our TTC attempts now. :/

5) Angering / pushing away my friends. I lost a friend once because I didn’t know what I was doing, and I’ve been afraid of doing it again ever since.

6) Not growing / improving as a writer and as a person.

7) Never being published. I have put so much time and energy into my writing and eschewed other potential job prospects / career paths in favor of committing to this one dream. My parents and family see me and my (current) job as mediocre at best, disappointing at worst, and I desperately want to be able to show them what I’ve been really doing all these years. You know, validation.

Wow, that was more depressing than it needed to be. Thankfully tomorrow’s is a little more upbeat.

 

 

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TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 6

Made it to DPO6! It’s all downhill/uphill from here! Actually, the only thing that changes is I get to start marking off the Bingo card and get prizes for symptoms. Like a back rub. Oooh, I want a back rub.

Already marked one off first thing: trouble concentrating (which I just wrote concentration troubling, so). I poured water into my coffee/butter blending cup and then added vanilla to my water cup, both of which took me several long seconds to realize what I’d done. I mean, I’m not always the quickest first thing in the morning, but wow that is really off for me. Does it mean anything? Probably not. But it’s one square closer to a back rub. :3

Meme’wards!

Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust

 

Day 3: Eight Things That Annoy Me

1) Untimeliness, which is unfortunate because right now, none of my local friends are timely. I try to circumvent that by telling them one thing (say, show up at 6pm) and preparing for another (them actually showing up at 7pm) but that doesn’t work in every case.

2) Men who go out of their way to open a door for me / let me off the elevator first when it is clearly inconveniencing both of us. I find the elevator one especially creepy, because often they are right next to the open door, and yet they’re trying to shoe me out of it because I happen to have tits. Guys, there is being polite, and then there is being creepy. Learn the difference.

3) People who don’t use their turn signal. A) it’s annoying when I’m driving and B) it can be dangerous when I’m biking. I understand not using it on certain busy highways because then you only invite the person you’re attempting to get in front of to speed up, but anywhere else, especially residential streets, where I have almost plowed into many a car who turned without warning.

4) People who are vehemently pro-life but don’t raise a finger when services for the poor are cut.

5) Dog people. Just kidding, I love you guys. But those specific dog people who don’t train their dogs and let them run free on the river path where it explicitly says leash up bitches and then say their dog is just very friendly when it jumps all over you / chases you down / attacks other dogs.

6) Our cat’s tendency to suckle herself when she’s happy. I don’t even.

7) Those catch-phrases of all mediocre offices everywhere: “are you working too hard or hardly working?” “it’s Friday-eve!” “ugh Monday” “we’re not normal” “you have to be a little odd to work here” “we can’t do anything to change that so just live with it”

8) Guys – because it is always a guy – who curl in the squat rack.

 

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