Tag Archives: lesbian TTC

Beta Results

169!

From what I’ve read, that’s a good, solid number for 14DPO. Of course, the important thing will be the results from tomorrow’s blood draw.

RE also checked my thyroid – still too high, so back on the thyroid meds. Yay.

Honestly starting to feel excited. I’m still very aware of all the MC possibilities and how precarious the early days are, but I’m taking each day I’m still pregnant as a gift and I’m just so, so grateful.

My brother and sister-in-law also welcomed their girl into the world yesterday, and the timing couldn’t have been better.

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Filed under gaybies, TTC

Call for Pregnancy and Non-Pregnant Mother Resources

january-73(Dr Lady in her natural habitat)

Never been so excited to call the doctor before. This is pretty silly.

It’s sinking in in bits and pieces. I’m transitioning to the gather-all-the-information-ever phase right now, and I realized that I honestly don’t know much about pregnancy itself. I can teach a class on how to get there and all the hormones involved, but what comes after the BFP? Nope.

I mean, I read a little bit when we first started this whole process so I know the basics – 40 weeks, 3 trimesters, don’t tell anyone until 12 weeks, also lots of barfing – but not much else. I was a little afraid to dig deep like I usually do, because it might/probably not happen.

But now it did and I need info! I don’t even know where to begin. Like TTC, this affects like 90% of women and therefore all the info out there is all over the place. So I come to you, especially my fellow lesbian TTCers – what are your favorite pregnancy resources? Blog/book/website? What to Expect is the supposed Bible of pregnancy, but I’ve heard it’s full of every. single. thing. that could go wrong and I’d rather not with that just yet.

Anything that is queer-friendly and doesn’t sugarcoat would be awesome, and I’d prefer if it doesn’t push an agenda, like vaginal over C-section or breast over bottle or home birth over hospital. I have preferences myself for those, but honestly I don’t know what’s going to happen or where we’re going to be and I don’t have time for shaming.

Also also any resources for the non-pregnant mom? Throughout TTC we’ve made sure Dr Lady had her own duties to perform to be a part of the process, but now I know it’s going to get harder. Also she’s so cute and she’s been reading all your comments and tearing up and that helped me realize just how much we need to make sure she’s still involved.

Anyway, here’s (probably) the last HPT photo to prove this is still real:

january-77

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Filed under gaybies, happy things, TTC

IUI Beta, 13 DPO: How I Got a BFP

january-72

By god, that second line is still there. I’m starting to believe it won’t be blank the next time I test. Thank you thank you thank you to you who have reassured me that the chances of keeping this outweigh the chances of losing it.

I’ve been thinking back on what was different this time around that could have helped, because there were more than a few things. I decided to make a list.

(Probably) Why This Finally Worked

  • The planets were in alignment. No, seriously.
  • Mercury came out of retrograde.
  • I bought a new bra on Wednesday.
  • I was convinced this IUI didn’t work.
  • I had a dream that it did.
  • I ate half a pan of gluten free brownies.
  • The gods accepted no France as a suitable sacrifice.
  • I made a haircut appointment for the first time in 1.5 years.
  • I PR’ed my squat clean and my number of consecutive double unders.
  • My coworker gave me a cold.
  • I committed to doing the Crossfit Open.

or really

(More Honestly) Why This Finally Worked

  • Luck
  • Chance
  • Different donor
  • Really good timing, thanks to the letrozole
  • Addressing and treating my PCOS

Two years TTC, guys. I’m not the longest by far, but that was long enough to believe this couldn’t happen. I’ll have some thoughts on that later. But for now – thank you for sticking with me, through the naively hopeful and the thoroughly confused and the darkly depressed and the simply okay times. ❤

I hope you continue to stick with me because it's not over yet, not by far, but I understand if you don't. I know there are times where it hurts to see another BFP and everything that comes with it and there is no shame in taking care of yourself any way you can. Trust me, I understand. Just know I love you and I'm rooting for you.

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IUI Beta, 12 DPO: Holy Fuck

Wow. Thank you for the outpouring of love and congrats yesterday. It feels like this is happening to someone else. I had to keep checking the HPT to make sure I wasn’t imagining things. Doublechecked five times that it says HCG and not LH (lol). I was half convinced it was a fluke and the next HPT would be dead white again. But nope:

january-71

That is definitely definitely positive. Not even a squinter.

I’m still hesitant to even think it’s possible. I kind of want to hold out really believing it until that line keeps getting darker for a few days. So worried about it being a chemical, but even if it is – holy fuck. I’ve never seen two lines before. I can implant! Yes! Now I just need that sucker to grow. If all goes well, I’ll be calling the RE on Monday and we’ll get a beta test sometime this week.

So, so hard not to think about all the worst case scenarios. I’m just trying to breathe and accept and take each day that I have a positive test as a gift. Thankfully, I have a massage today.

I’ll update with more stuff about symptoms (or the lack thereof) if it’s still darker tomorrow.

In the meantime, here’s my strangely fortuitously timed haircut:

january-53

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Getting My Hair Cut

I have an appointment tomorrow to get my hair cut. It would have been today if there was room. That might not sound like something worthy of blogging, but it is for me.

It’s been a year and a half since my hair last saw scissors. I decided in August of 2014 in the middle of another confusingly long cycle, that I wasn’t going to cut my hair until I got pregnant. I honestly don’t remember the exact reasoning now, but it had something to do with defiance and being depressed. An outward display of my ordeal that only I really knew about.

I have to admit, it was kind of fun at first. Taking folate everyday, my hair grows really fast. But sometime last August, when it was long enough to pull back into a ponytail (at last!), it got old. I kept thinking – well maybe soon. I can hold out another month.

But another month became two became three became now six and I can’t. I’ve been shedding my self-imposed TTC chains one by one over the last year – Crossfit, low carb, buying new clothes, buying bras, planning for a childless future, planning – but the hair held out.

I could wait one more month. True. Rain or shine, extra line or not, we’re gonna be done with this by March. But. But – I am done waiting. With this extra wallop about France on Tuesday, I need all the control I can get. I am not putting anything off unless I absolutely have to. And I don’t have to wait to get my hair cut – well, any longer than a day.

I’ve been combing over photos from the last year and a half to see where I liked my hair best. It was fun watching it grow out all over again, so I picked my favorites and put them together into a little collage. We’ll see soon what that last square holds!

hairprogression

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Filed under defiant, simply informative, TTC, two week wait

IUI Beta is a Go!

Woo! I don’t know what happened, but this is now the second time our timing could have been off but wasn’t. It’s like when we were on our own, what could go wrong always went wrong, but with IUI, what could go wrong… doesn’t.

Anyway. One big fat honking follicle this time at 23mm. RE said we could do the IUI right then or wait until tomorrow morning. He thinks I’ll ovulate early tomorrow. My gut says today. All of the medical literature I’ve read indicates that insem before ov gives a much, much bigger chance of success, so I trusted my instinct and we went ahead and did the IUI this morning.

The vial was also A++. 16mm sperm and super motile.

So. Two weeks. You know how it goes. I’m going to channel whatever Chill Vibe I had these last two weeks and take this day by day by day. I’m not even going to think about the chances or whether or not it could work. I’m going to keep taking my vitamin d (a++ would recommend) and eating lower carb and lots of veggies and focusing on weightlifting and doing the little things every day that bring me closer to my other dreams. This would have been impossible to do five, six, seven months ago, but my brain chemistry has definitely changed in some fundamental way and I am 100% glad for it.

Really. Vitamin D. If you’re having trouble with anxiety/depression and lifestyle changes aren’t doing it, try taking a ridiculous amount. I started taking 4000IU a day in early December and my depressive periods have shortened from a week to a day, half a day. It’s amazing.

Here’s to luck and one more try after this. ❤

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IUI Beta (pleasepleaseplease), CD1

I had a good cry yesterday afternoon. And evening. And night. I’m surprised by how much it hurt, even though I knew by then that this IUI hadn’t worked. I guess I was still holding out a little bit of hope. You’d think the dozens of failed cycles before this would blunt the pain of another, but no.

These next thirteen days I am going to be on the edge of my seat, though. I wish the blood prophecy had waited at least one more day (asshole), but now we just hope hope hope. My RE gets back on the 18th, which is also CD13. On my own, I ovulate anywhere from CD14 to CD30. This first time on letrozole, I ovulated CD12. I am praying and hoping and sacrificing kittens puppies that this was a fluke, that the next one will be later.

I just – I am done waiting. We are doing two more IUIs and the sooner they are over, the better for me, mentally. If I have to skip a cycle, it will only draw out the process. I’m even talking to my wife about letting her have a shot with the last one instead of me. It’s been two years of monthly roller coasters and I am absolutely exhausted. I want to be done. I don’t want to spend five days out of every month crying. I don’t want to wonder if the carbs I ate ruined our chances. I don’t want to have this be the only thing I can think about.

I honestly don’t think either IUI will work for me. Why do them, then? Because I also know that if I don’t give it my 100% best shot, I will regret it. I will wonder. I want to end this on my terms: confident I did as much as I could. Confident that I am simply infertile and never had a chance. Confident that I can say we did everything we possibly could – for us.

Because there is always something more we can do, right? More drugs, different drugs, better diet, different diet, more IUI, IVF, donor eggs, etc etc etc. But for us, no. Mentally, financially, physically – we are only capable of so much. There is always the future, I know. My wife and I are talking about her turn, and when we might feasibly do that. It will not be for a while because of her job situation. But I know I am done after this.

So. Deep breath. Two more.

Please. Pray, sacrifice, send positive thoughts our way that I do not ovulate before the 18th. ❤

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