I had a good cry yesterday afternoon. And evening. And night. I’m surprised by how much it hurt, even though I knew by then that this IUI hadn’t worked. I guess I was still holding out a little bit of hope. You’d think the dozens of failed cycles before this would blunt the pain of another, but no.
These next thirteen days I am going to be on the edge of my seat, though. I wish the blood prophecy had waited at least one more day (asshole), but now we just hope hope hope. My RE gets back on the 18th, which is also CD13. On my own, I ovulate anywhere from CD14 to CD30. This first time on letrozole, I ovulated CD12. I am praying and hoping and sacrificing
kittens puppies that this was a fluke, that the next one will be later.
I just – I am done waiting. We are doing two more IUIs and the sooner they are over, the better for me, mentally. If I have to skip a cycle, it will only draw out the process. I’m even talking to my wife about letting her have a shot with the last one instead of me. It’s been two years of monthly roller coasters and I am absolutely exhausted. I want to be done. I don’t want to spend five days out of every month crying. I don’t want to wonder if the carbs I ate ruined our chances. I don’t want to have this be the only thing I can think about.
I honestly don’t think either IUI will work for me. Why do them, then? Because I also know that if I don’t give it my 100% best shot, I will regret it. I will wonder. I want to end this on my terms: confident I did as much as I could. Confident that I am simply infertile and never had a chance. Confident that I can say we did everything we possibly could – for us.
Because there is always something more we can do, right? More drugs, different drugs, better diet, different diet, more IUI, IVF, donor eggs, etc etc etc. But for us, no. Mentally, financially, physically – we are only capable of so much. There is always the future, I know. My wife and I are talking about her turn, and when we might feasibly do that. It will not be for a while because of her job situation. But I know I am done after this.
So. Deep breath. Two more.
Please. Pray, sacrifice, send positive thoughts our way that I do not ovulate before the 18th. ❤
Filed under BFN, gaybies, PCOS, TTC