Tag Archives: gaybies

Drifting Away

I’ve become less and less engaged in the blogging TTC community lately. Less likely to write about it. Less likely to comment. I still try to keep up, and I’m still rooting for quite a few of you, but for the most part I’ve been withdrawing.

At first, I didn’t do this intentionally, but having noticed I’m not going to do anything to correct it. I know it’s a way to protect myself if/when the time comes for us to throw in the towel. I can picture a lot of things about our future right now – wearing pretty dresses in France, exploring Europe by rail, writing my next book, watching sunsets, holding my brother’s little girl, getting published, attending fancy parties, cooking amazing new things, and overall having a grand adventure with my wife. But I simply can’t picture a child anymore.

I hate feeling ungrateful for all that, and largely I’m not. We are so, so blessed and lucky and I can’t help but look at the last month and all that has happened in absolute awe.

Which makes this withdrawal process a little easier. This was – and still is – a life blog instead of just a TTC blog, so I won’t be going anywhere, but those posts will diminish. Instead, I’m going to try to focus on those positive aspects of my life, and share how we’re preparing for France. ­čÖé

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The Futility of Planning | CD3

It’s CD3 (or 4?) of what should be the first cycle of our last round of TTC – at least for me. Should be, because CD1 caught me by surprise by being two days early. I’m not sure what that means, although like any sane person, I’m overthinking it. I decided to choose to believe that I ov’ed earlier than I thought, although that means being overseas might interfere with our next attempt. :/

I’m hoping and crossing my fingers that the stress of travel will delay my next ov day by a few days, but I know better than to plan on it. What’s another month, right? Just more waiting.

I guess that means I can be a little less careful about food while we’re over there, which is a relief. Honestly, I’ve been a whole lot less strict these past weeks and I actually feel better for it. I went from very low carb to just low carb, with the occasional chocolate shake, and the nausea and shakes and weakness disappeared instantly. Apparently I just don’t do well on a VLC diet, with or without metformin. I would be concerned about not listening to my RE, except that I feel so much better. It’s like night and day when I allow myself more carbs.

Also, at the same time that I started eating more carbs, not only did my appetite return and my nausea go away, but I started losing weight. What the ever-living fuck kind of sense does that make? I’m doing the same amount of exercise – honestly, a little less because we’ve been lazy about biking to work now that it’s hot – and eating more and that somehow equates to a smaller number on the scale. Whatever. You just do what you want, body, and I’m going to eat another delicious cookie.

Anyway. I don’t know what’s going on in a lot of ways. I hope we can start TTC again this cycle, but there’s really no point in planning around it. I’m just going to try to breathe and enjoy the upcoming trip. It’s not like I believed this cycle – or the next or the one after that – would even work, so it should be easy to let go, right?

Right??

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TTC Timeline

I’d been holding off on putting one of these things together because it just didn’t seem like we had that much going on. But now it’s been over a year and last week was National Infertility Awareness Week and I realized I wanted to better be able to share what we’ve been through so far, in any easily chewable format, for all those just putting their toes into the TTC and infertility world and those who have started following me for their own reasons, so that neither has to go back and read every. single. post. from the last year.

Perhaps when put in such a format, someone will even see their own journey mirrored here and can feel a little less alone. Because that’s really what this whole blogging experience has been about – shouting into the ether, hoping to hear an echo of solidarity. And I have heard so many echoes this past year. It’s time to add my own.

Let’s start at the very beginning…

August 2013 – We officially decided we both wanted a kid and it was time to see what we could do about it. We gave ourselves six months to get our shit together and make sure our lives and finances would survive whatever came next. We confirm our known donor and I go get a check-up at my doctor to ask if I should be concerned about my irregular cycles.

November 2013 – I quit Crossfit to save money and focus on strength training. I am determined to have the strongest quads and abs in the desert.

January-June 2014 – I start the Autoimmune Protocol as part of my pledge to clean up my diet, but also to get rid of some pesky skin problems. It’s hard, but I learn I have an egg and nightshade intolerance. My cycle also becomes regular for the first time in a year.

March 2014 – First at-home TTC attempt, turkey baster edition. I am super duper excited and full of na├»ve optimism and absolutely convinced it’ll work the first time. But even though I have all the symptoms – nausea, increased sensitivity to smells, insomnia – the two weeks end in a BFN.

April 2014 – Second attempt. Still excited. Still optimistic. And then I get my period at what should have been DPO 2, according to temping.

May 2014 – I go to the OB-GYN for the weird cycles. They do a day 3 blood draw. Nothing out of the ordinary.

June 2014 – We try OPKs for the first time. I think I get a positive and we try again before we leave to get married in MN. Now we are legal! But it’s another BFN.

July 2014 – Fourth attempt. Still using OPKs. Still temping. Tried out red raspberry leaf tea for this cycle. I also try reintroducing nightshades and eggs at this time and eat way too many gluten free baked goods. BFN.

August 2014 – Would-be fifth attempt is thwarted when I don’t ovulate. We start a well-deserved break from TTC.

September-November 2014 – I play around with very low carb diets and ketosis. I have two 50+ day cycles.

November-December 2014 – My cycles continue to be strange. I pick up temping again at the end of November and confirm two anovulatory cycles.

January 2015 – Actual fifth attempt. I start taking maca powder, as well as temping and using OPKs. I also start drinking mint tea most days. Our timing for this attempt ends up being way off. I start to consider going to a doctor. BFN.

February 2015 – The maca makes me ovulate super early and we try a sixth time. I go back to Crossfit in an attempt to control my worsening depression. BFN.

March 2015 – Seventh attempt, but my temps look like a roller coaster and my OPKs give me a false positive. I make an appointment for the end of the month to see an RE for my irregular cycles and lack of positive tests.

April 2015 – TTC break. The RE does a ton of tests and I am diagnosed with PCOS and mild hypothyroidism. I start taking metformin and synthroid. I have an HSG done, but everything looks peachy keen. I keep temping and confirm a more normal 33day cycle.

So that’s where we are now. May 2015 will read more metformin and a D&C, and probably a follow-up appointment with the RE. I’m not sure what June will bring just yet, but I’m started to get excited to find out.

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TTC Round 2, #1 | 6 to 8 DPO

I didn’t actually think I’d be making another TTC post this soon.┬á The way my cycles were going the past few months (see: not at all) i thought it wouldn’t be until February that we had an opportunity.

But ferning was happening & other signs were in place & we had only one day to try before we went out of town for the funeral. After not ovulating the previous two cycles & having two veerrry long cycles before that I didn’t have much hope for anything to work anytime soon. So I figured I would think of this as a test run to get back into the groove. We would insem & I wouldn’t take a thermometer with us so I couldn’t obsess about timing & it would all be no big deal. Because what were the chances that we actually got the timing right?

It kinda worked. I only thought about the possibility of it working or not a handful (see: dozen) times. I was only mildly anxious to get back home & temp. I was only mildly anxious while I waited for the thermometer to beep on Friday morning.

I was surprised to see my temp all the way up at 97.9. That was higher than it had been in months – but not quite ov-heights. Granted, it was much later in the morning than I normally temp. Then on Saturday it was comfortably at 98.1 & I was confident I had actually ovulated.

But when? I have no idea. That’s the problem with not temping earlier. But I’m okay with that decision. I’m going to try not to think about it which might actually be easier if I don’t know exactly when my TTW should end. Could be just a week! Could be a week and a half! Who knows!

I’m not symptom spotting at all, which is good, since symptoms don’t mean anything until after those two weeks. I also mostly feel chill and have to kinda force myself to remember we even tried this time.

So I’ll be okay if this one doesn’t work, because I’m just happy to have somewhat of a normal cycle again and happy that I ovulated at all. It means maybe I’m not fucked up and maybe all the weird in the fall was just diet and stress. If that’s true, then I have agency again. Thank god.

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Counting Down

It’s on both of our minds now. Less than fourty days till we start trying again. It’s kind of silly how this whole process consumes you, even on a break. I thought we’d break and that would be it, it’d be out of our thoughts. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Lady saw a pregnant woman a few days ago and felt her first flash of jealousy. When she confided in me about it, all I could feel was relief. And amusement. The break has been good in that I have calmed down a lot and mostly don’t think about all things baby-related, but it’s also been good to have Lady catch up to me in terms of how much we want this. I am so past the initial “is this a good idea?” phase it’s not even funny. A year ago I remember I was still reading up on how it all worked. On the long car ride to CA I remember regaling Lady with random interesting tidbits about fertility and cycles. I was both giddy and terrified at the prospect. Now I’m just… patient/impatient.

I’m both looking forward to and worried about January. I want to start again, because doing nothing is always excruciating, but I know that the waiting will be even worse. Occasionally I flash through hopes like they’re going out of style – maybe it’ll work the first time (err, 5th?), maybe it’ll work the second time, maybe everything will go smoothly, maybe my body will stop being so confusing, maybe my cycle will be regular, maybe things will be predictable, maybe maybe maybe –

I think it’s telling that this time around, all I’m willing to truly and fervently hope for is a predictable cycle. If I can avoid the stress of the 18 day or 50+ cycles, that would be stellar. But I know I can’t even┬ádepend┬áon that, so I’m just going to ask the universe politely and do everything I can on my end, like more carbs and less fasting, more sleep and less stress.

In conclusion, it’s a weird sort of restless anticipation I find myself in. I want it to be January, and yet I know the time will go by if I blink. I want to be trying again, but I know the actual process is a rollercoaster of crazy emotions that will leave me frazzled. I want to dream big and broadly, but I remember how disappointed I was last time when things didn’t happen as I’d dreamed. But I’m ready to try again.

…I hope.

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The Tale of the Gray Pachyderm Fabric

september-17

I found this crib sheet fabric at Goodwill yesterday, while perusing their random section for potential scrap fabric. Our plan is to hand make most, if not all, holiday presents this year because money. Also because I have strong feelings about unconscious consumerism.

I originally was delighted because pachyderms and gray fabric. It would be perfect for so many things! Then I turned it around and half pulled it out of its pouch, wondering if it was a pair of pillowcases or a sheet or what, and saw it was a crib sheet. I almost put it back, because I knew right away I wouldn’t be able to cut it up. I knew if I actually bought it, I would bring it home and tuck it away and break the not-so-unspoken rule between me and my wife that we are not allowed to buy baby things until an actual, certified, verified (& stamped!) baby is on the way.

I took it home anyway, ostensibly to cut it up, but really to tuck it away. I have plans to turn the cover into some small, pachyderm-themed items, but the sheet itself… well, I showed it to Lady and I don’t think she’s about to let me cut it up, either. So at least we’re in agreement.

I feel a little silly. I wasn’t going to do this. I was going to be the strong one and be very good about not buying anything prematurely. But it doesn’t feel like jinxing it, at least.

But that’s it. No more until┬áeverything is┬áverified & stamped & confirmed. I mean it this time. Really.

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A Last Note on TTC (for the time being)

Even though I had officially closed the door on this cycle a few weeks ago, hid the OPK’s in the back of the bathroom cabinet, and stopped paying attention to every little twinge, I was still – occasionally – temping. I really like the head’s up temping gives me as to when to expect the unpleasant bleeding. Plus, my theory was that this had turned into an anovulatory cycle and I wanted to confirm that.

I’m glad I kept temping, because it finally went up. I’d begun to worry like nobody’s business, googling reasons why I might not have ovulated, etc, and of course self-diagnosing with everything under the sun. It got so bad that Lady eventually asked me if I wanted to see a doctor to just verify everything was okay. That helped me realize I was being crazy, because seriously, what would a doctor do? Besides, I have documented here just how freaking stressed out I was early to mid-August.

But nope, thankfully my temp finally jumped and a whole lot of tension I hadn’t realized I was still holding just – vanished. I can count the days now until the end of this cycle and then I can actually let it all go until January. Hopefully.

In the meantime I can try really hard not to think about babies and TTC and not to wish for the four months to just fly by. I have a book to query and another to rewrite and those are just as Important. I have an autumn to enjoy and friends to see and Christmas to plan for (fuuuuck) and a life to live. So even though I’m sure my mind will still be filled with babies, this will be the last TTC post until January. Thank god?

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