Tag Archives: depression

Week 34: Blue

Player One
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Player Two
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Level 29 Human Bard/Fighter
Height: 5’9″
Weight: 164 +??
Shoe Size: 10 10.5
Bra Size: 34A 36B 36C/38B

Str: 18 16
Dex: 12 10
Con: 19 17
Int: 12
Wis: 14 13
Cha: 18 17

Highest skills: Bluff, Gather Rumors, Knowledge (Folklore) (History), Athletics

Feats: Natural Immunity, Iron WillRun, Nap, Braxton Hicks

Diseases/Curses: Heavy Things Gettin’ Heavy (-2 Str), wth mornings (-2 con), Anxiety (-1 Wis), Awkward Maneuvering (-2 Dex), Bad Sleep (-1 Cha)

Level 30 Human Warlock/Ranger
Height: 5’8″
Weight: Redacted
Shoe Size: 11
Bra Size: 36B

Str: 17 16
Dex: 12 11
Con: 12
Int: 20
Wis: 16
Cha: 16

Highest skills: Heal, Knowledge (Science) (Arcana), Spot, Listen, Swim

Feats: Alertness, Diligent, Spell Focus

Diseases/Curses: Too Much To Do, Recovering from Tendonsis (-1 Str), Ingrown Toenail (-1 Dex)

Player Three

Level 0 Human NPC
Height: 17.72″ crown to heel
Weight: 4.73 lb

Str: 6
Dex: 5
Con: 10
Int: 1
Wis: 1
Cha: 14

Highest skills: Grow, Swim, Hide
Feats: Self-Sufficient, Stealthy, Heartbeat, Growth, Wiggle, Kick, Roll
Diseases/Curses: Hiccups

Lady Jr is peeing up to a pint a day – and breathing it in/drinking it again. Babies are nothing if not classy.

Speaking of breathing, most every organ is as developed as it’s gonna get in there, except for her lungs. Those could use a few more weeks of cooking.

This week, Lady Jr is the size of a quokka, whatever that is:

 

Overall:  Still having a hard time, although my sleep has improved a little. I’m being careful not to eat too much before going to bed and have switched places with Lady so that I’m jammed up against the wall to sleep and therefore can’t rolled onto my back as easily. Between these two changes and a shite ton of pillows, I’ve been consistently getting 3-4 hour stretches of sleep, which is ah-maz-ing.

I can’t tell if it’s hormones or the aftermath of the move, but I’ve been dipping in and out of depression a lot lately. There’s also just so much to DO and I don’t have the energy to do ANY of it, which has been irritating my inner virgo. The house is very slowly coming together after the initial rush of unpacking, but never fast enough.

I’m turning 30 on Wednesday and I half want to celebrate like no tomorrow and half want to hide and pretend there is no birthday. It doesn’t seem like there’s really any proper way to celebrate what with everything else going on.

 

Fun(!) New Symptoms: None this week. Instead, let’s go with

Things Wot I Miss:
– Running
– Walking longer than 30min without pain
– Sleeping on my back
– Sleeping through the night
– Not being eternally thirsty
– Wearing cute clothes
– Lifting heavy
– Wearing my wedding ring (well, technically it’s on a chain around my neck, but you know)
– Bending over
– Not having to pee every 30min
– Lying on the floor
– Normal emotional reactions

Things Wot I am Enjoying:
– Baby squirms and wiggles
– Full license to be as lazy as ever
– Honestly, baby movements x 100
 
Preparations for Lady Jr: I washed some onesies we’d received that were new and I might have gone out to Old Navy and acquired some pumpkin & candy corn long-sleeve onesies because we literally have three newborn things and that’s it. Now as someone who was a 8.5lb baby, I know we don’t need more than a few newborn things, but omg lookit those candy corns and try to tell me no. 😛

I also went through and organized all the baby clothes we have, hence knowing how very few newborn things are in the closet.

This weekend I went ahead and put the crib together so we could see how much space it takes up and how it sits in the room. Cats love to sleep in it, of course.

The registry is finally “done” and has gone out to parents and whomever else has requested it. The completion discount is available now and it’s kind of blowing my mind.

 

Exercise: Some lifting, some walking. My bumperplates came in last week and I was deadlifting every day until this weekend. Then I did several compound and static barbell exercises while Lady took photos for a sort of DIY maternity photoshoot.

 

Appointments: One coming up this week.

 

Dr Lady: Foot still hurts. Work is slow and disappointing. Scratch that: she has encountered some obstacles and things aren’t going exactly as they should, gosh darnit.

As for baby, Lady is excited but a little nervous about having the house ready in time. She has a list of projects she wants to get done but time is a-ticking. Suddenly, six weeks seems a lot shorter.

But she’s reading and talking to Lady Jr and still feeling the love. I think she’s likewise feeling the too soon/not soon enough bug.

 

Progress Photo:

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Rethinking 2015

While we were visiting my brother and new niece last weekend, mom finally got to see my wing ankle tatts. Which, of course, led to me explaining why I’d gotten them and what they meant to me. She’d seen them before via emailed photos, but seeing them in person is always different.

After explaining the impetus – my decision to quit an awful job – I started thinking more about 2015 and what had actually happened that year. Now that we’re well into 2016, I’ve finally been able to look back at 2015 objectively – that is, without the thick fog of anxiety and depression. Before, I thought that quitting was the only big, scary thing I really did, and the only redeeming factor for 2015. But that’s not really true.

I did a lot of big, scary things  last year. In fact, 2015 may have been my Year of Big Scary Things. And because of that, despite the tears and the fog and the desperation, it might even be one of my Best Years. Which is kind of weird to consider.

But lining it all up, it’s hard to deny:

I accepted that I needed help with my depression and found and started going to a therapist.

I stopped waiting and returned to Crossfit, swallowing my pride because of how out of shape I was.

I realized that there was something off with my body and found and went to a fertility specialist – and considering how much I wanted to avoid dealing with doctors, this was a really big thing.

I encouraged my wife to go all out and finish her dissertation so she could graduate in the spring.

I visited a foreign country where I didn’t know the language. Very, very scary for me.

I queried a book that I was immensely proud of, and therefore also immensely protective of. Purposefully opening myself up to rejection and critique is always scary.

I talked to my supervisors about my ongoing issues and tried to agree on a plan that would help save my sanity.

I put in my two weeks notice without any job waiting when I realized that was the only way to stay sane.

I applied for jobs I really really wanted but had no chance of getting.

I didn’t apply for jobs that I didn’t want, but I would have gotten.

I got a tattoo.

I put an end date on our TTC attempts.

I went back to the fertility doctor to try IUI with drugs, knowing the drugs would probably make me crazy and the IUIs probably wouldn’t work.

 

2015 was hard. It was very, very hard. But holy crap, I don’t think I’d given myself credit for just how much I did and how much I survived. I’m not trying to toot my own horn, just trying to revise and rethink what 2015 was for me. It was, by far, the hardest year of my life. But at the same time, I grew so much. I accomplished so much. I saw every fear realized and kept going. I wanted to break down; I did break down. But that wasn’t the end of the world. The world kept going and I did, too.

I have lamented to my therapist that the TTC process changed me and I am no longer the same person I was. That’s definitely still true, but I can see the positive aspects of that change now.

It just took a while.

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IUI Beta, 3 DPO

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It’s always nice when Fertility Friend agrees with me. I mean, I’ve never been wrong about ov dates but FF has – last IUI FF and I disagreed wildly – and despite knowing I know my body better than a random app, it still made me nervous.

Ignoring the reality of the two week wait has been more difficult than I initially assumed. Somehow, ignoring the fact that Monday’s appointment was going to happen was way easier than ignoring the ticking countdown of the 2WW. A hundred times a day I am aware which DPO this is. A hundred times a day I have to resist the impulse to google implantation aids/IUI chances/2WW ideas. Some things never change.

How many times have I been here, trying not to wonder? I don’t even want to count. I don’t think I can count.

This time will pass. But it is still my time – precious and few. So today, I am looking forward to squatting 145#. I am looking forward to feeling the sun on my skin. I am looking forward to going home early and spending the evening with my wife – writing, reading, whatever. I am looking forward to getting back to my story and seeing where it goes from here. I am looking forward to my beet and chard pilaf for lunch. To cat faces and sunset.

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Okay

I’m okay.

Life is okay.

Things are okay.

I’ve been wanting to post this for a while, but hesitant – last time I proclaimed that I was okay, the very next day depression whacked me back down again. But it’s now four weeks of this, this… okayness. I’ve been able to focus on what I can control and look at the future with the knowledge that no matter what comes, I will conquer it.

I think it’s because of the vitamin D and I think it’s because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We will be done, and soon. I actually cry-smiled yesterday morning when I saw my temp was up and realized, fully realized, that we will be done with this by March.

I can’t pretend I think this cycle – or the next – will work, but that’s okay too. I have more dreams now, robust ones that will take time and work but that will also be possible and not based purely on luck. I am working towards these new dreams every day instead of flailing against that which I cannot change. I have made it a habit to find something about each day to look forward to instead of rushing through and hoping for it to be next week, next month.

Again – and I don’t want to beat this horse until it’s dead, but it’s important to remember – I literally could not do this over a month ago. The change in my mind is amazing and I can’t stop marveling at the way the world looks now, versus then.

Anyway.

It is 2DPO but today I am (trying) not to think about that and instead looking forward to my therapist appointment this afternoon, to having a day off from heavy lifting, to seeing my friend this evening, and to watching the rest of season two of Korra tonight.

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IUI Beta is a Go!

Woo! I don’t know what happened, but this is now the second time our timing could have been off but wasn’t. It’s like when we were on our own, what could go wrong always went wrong, but with IUI, what could go wrong… doesn’t.

Anyway. One big fat honking follicle this time at 23mm. RE said we could do the IUI right then or wait until tomorrow morning. He thinks I’ll ovulate early tomorrow. My gut says today. All of the medical literature I’ve read indicates that insem before ov gives a much, much bigger chance of success, so I trusted my instinct and we went ahead and did the IUI this morning.

The vial was also A++. 16mm sperm and super motile.

So. Two weeks. You know how it goes. I’m going to channel whatever Chill Vibe I had these last two weeks and take this day by day by day. I’m not even going to think about the chances or whether or not it could work. I’m going to keep taking my vitamin d (a++ would recommend) and eating lower carb and lots of veggies and focusing on weightlifting and doing the little things every day that bring me closer to my other dreams. This would have been impossible to do five, six, seven months ago, but my brain chemistry has definitely changed in some fundamental way and I am 100% glad for it.

Really. Vitamin D. If you’re having trouble with anxiety/depression and lifestyle changes aren’t doing it, try taking a ridiculous amount. I started taking 4000IU a day in early December and my depressive periods have shortened from a week to a day, half a day. It’s amazing.

Here’s to luck and one more try after this. ❤

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IUI Beta (pleasepleaseplease), CD1

I had a good cry yesterday afternoon. And evening. And night. I’m surprised by how much it hurt, even though I knew by then that this IUI hadn’t worked. I guess I was still holding out a little bit of hope. You’d think the dozens of failed cycles before this would blunt the pain of another, but no.

These next thirteen days I am going to be on the edge of my seat, though. I wish the blood prophecy had waited at least one more day (asshole), but now we just hope hope hope. My RE gets back on the 18th, which is also CD13. On my own, I ovulate anywhere from CD14 to CD30. This first time on letrozole, I ovulated CD12. I am praying and hoping and sacrificing kittens puppies that this was a fluke, that the next one will be later.

I just – I am done waiting. We are doing two more IUIs and the sooner they are over, the better for me, mentally. If I have to skip a cycle, it will only draw out the process. I’m even talking to my wife about letting her have a shot with the last one instead of me. It’s been two years of monthly roller coasters and I am absolutely exhausted. I want to be done. I don’t want to spend five days out of every month crying. I don’t want to wonder if the carbs I ate ruined our chances. I don’t want to have this be the only thing I can think about.

I honestly don’t think either IUI will work for me. Why do them, then? Because I also know that if I don’t give it my 100% best shot, I will regret it. I will wonder. I want to end this on my terms: confident I did as much as I could. Confident that I am simply infertile and never had a chance. Confident that I can say we did everything we possibly could – for us.

Because there is always something more we can do, right? More drugs, different drugs, better diet, different diet, more IUI, IVF, donor eggs, etc etc etc. But for us, no. Mentally, financially, physically – we are only capable of so much. There is always the future, I know. My wife and I are talking about her turn, and when we might feasibly do that. It will not be for a while because of her job situation. But I know I am done after this.

So. Deep breath. Two more.

Please. Pray, sacrifice, send positive thoughts our way that I do not ovulate before the 18th. ❤

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Hello 2016

january-5 We rang in the new year with friends and fire, which is always appropriate. Drinks were raised and wishes were made and everyone hoped for a better 2016 than 2015.

I sipped a cranberry tonic all evening, which I can’t recommend enough. Just cranberry juice and tonic water, but I still felt like I was celebrating. I get to drink again tomorrow, assuming my intuition is correct. We shall see.

I have already started practicing my new year’s resolution to not hesitate. I’ve been wanting to do something different with my hair for a while – it’s straight and flat and boring – but I didn’t know what until I was idly scanning pinterest one day. Within an hour I had ordered myself a curling iron with some leftover Christmas money and I couldn’t be more pleased. There’s still a learning curve, but it’s given me a boost of cuteness when I needed it most.

I also spent all of New Year’s Day wrapped in blankets and reading. It was great. I even started writing again – granted, 200 words, but that’s 200 more than I’ve written in almost a month. My only real goals for the year are to read and write more. I have a list of 20 books to read that are all firmly within my genre and I have a calendar which I’m marking off for every day that I write. These are both things that, done consistently, will improve my life. They are also some of the few things I have control over right now.

I have drinks and donuts planned for tomorrow to take the sting out of this cycle failing. I know it’s not over until it’s over, but I know my body and my body is prophesying tides of blood. Besides, it would be kind of embarrassing to have to cancel those plans because then I’d have to tell my friends why, so I’m sort of daring it. It’s like anti-jinxing. Either way I win.

So far, I’m doing surprisingly well. I’ve been a lot more gentle on myself than usual these two weeks, but I think it’s also the amount of vitamin D I’ve been taking: 4400 iu. Which is to say: a metric shit ton. 100 iu is your daily recommended, so that’s 4400%. It sounds like a lot, but I feel so much more like my usual self. I got sad when I got the BFN on Wednesday, but that sadness felt normal. None of that out of control, feeling like a truck is on my chest, unable to breathe, unable to think, unable to function, flat out depression. The true test will be tomorrow, but considering I’m normally a non-functioning mess by the end of my 2WW, I’m optimistic.

I’ve read a lot about PCOS and vitamin D, and simply needing more in general because of the PCOS. I wonder: have any of you experienced the same thing?

Hope 2016 is treating you right so far!

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