Tag Archives: BFN

IUI Beta (pleasepleaseplease), CD1

I had a good cry yesterday afternoon. And evening. And night. I’m surprised by how much it hurt, even though I knew by then that this IUI hadn’t worked. I guess I was still holding out a little bit of hope. You’d think the dozens of failed cycles before this would blunt the pain of another, but no.

These next thirteen days I am going to be on the edge of my seat, though. I wish the blood prophecy had waited at least one more day (asshole), but now we just hope hope hope. My RE gets back on the 18th, which is also CD13. On my own, I ovulate anywhere from CD14 to CD30. This first time on letrozole, I ovulated CD12. I am praying and hoping and sacrificing kittens puppies that this was a fluke, that the next one will be later.

I just – I am done waiting. We are doing two more IUIs and the sooner they are over, the better for me, mentally. If I have to skip a cycle, it will only draw out the process. I’m even talking to my wife about letting her have a shot with the last one instead of me. It’s been two years of monthly roller coasters and I am absolutely exhausted. I want to be done. I don’t want to spend five days out of every month crying. I don’t want to wonder if the carbs I ate ruined our chances. I don’t want to have this be the only thing I can think about.

I honestly don’t think either IUI will work for me. Why do them, then? Because I also know that if I don’t give it my 100% best shot, I will regret it. I will wonder. I want to end this on my terms: confident I did as much as I could. Confident that I am simply infertile and never had a chance. Confident that I can say we did everything we possibly could – for us.

Because there is always something more we can do, right? More drugs, different drugs, better diet, different diet, more IUI, IVF, donor eggs, etc etc etc. But for us, no. Mentally, financially, physically – we are only capable of so much. There is always the future, I know. My wife and I are talking about her turn, and when we might feasibly do that. It will not be for a while because of her job situation. But I know I am done after this.

So. Deep breath. Two more.

Please. Pray, sacrifice, send positive thoughts our way that I do not ovulate before the 18th. ❤

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Filed under BFN, gaybies, PCOS, TTC

IUI Alpha/Beta DPO15/CD1

BFN this morning. Now just waiting for the prophesied blood.

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Filed under BFN, TTC, two week wait

IUI Alpha, DPO 11: OHSS?

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Kitty faces make everything better.

I think I might have had a mild form of OHSS. Or maybe it’s just a typical reaction to letrozole and HCG? I got super duper bloated and started retaining water hardcore for a few days, gained 4lbs, had headaches, sore boobs, and all sorts of abdominal distress. Basically, I was a gas machine.

Of course, I was all like “symptoms?!” and when I discovered an extra cheapo HPT living in my purse (wtf?), I decided what the hell, might as well. Of course it was negative, but I’m kind of relieved that I did take the HPT, because now I can stop what-if-ing about those particular symptoms and blame them on (perhaps) OHSS instead.

Also of course: all of that bloating and distress has receded a bit today. So now I want to ask ya’ll: has this ever happened to you with an IUI? I only had two follicles and I’m sure I’ve had two release during other, unmedicated cycles, but this is the first time something like this has happened. Maybe it was something else?

As far as confidence about this cycle goes, that confidence has waned considerably. I am now 95% certain that I’ll get to have a big glass of wine on Sunday. I’m okay with it right now, but whether that’s because it’s still to come or because I know we did everything we could this time or because I have doubled the amount of vitamin D I’m taking… well, I guess we’ll see.

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Filed under BFN, PCOS, TTC, two week wait

TTC Cycle B, CD 1

Welp.

Only two more, at least.

Three, if we’re lucky.

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Filed under gaybies, TTC

TTC Round 2 | Cycle 3, CD2

I’m thankful I ovulated.

I’m thankful the maca powder seemed to do something and I ovulated early.

I’m thankful for one more unmedicated chance.

I’m thankful that I knew what my body was doing.

I’m thankful for my wife.

I’m thankful for you guys.

I’m thankful for wine and chocolate and heating pads and big old mugs of hot tea.

I’m not at all thankful that last cycle didn’t work. I’m just more convinced something is wrong. I’m still planning on going to an RE, but thanks to the miracle(??) of a 26 day cycle, we might have another chance before our official cut-off mid-March. I’m not going to hang too many hopes on that chance even happening, though – just because my cycles have been shorter these past two (three?) doesn’t mean they will continue to be.

Things that will be different this go-around: not much. I’ve been trying to do multiple insems since our first cycle this round and damn it if I’m not going to keep trying. I guess I just have to insem at the very first sign of anything. Since we have a cut off day, I won’t have to worry about inseming indefinitely, which is a bonus. I always fret about inconveniencing our donor and since he’s started making noises along the lines of why is this taking so long I don’t want to push it any more than necessary.

The only other change is that I will stop with the maca powder as soon as I ovulate. I think using it throughout my cycle not only gave me PMS but made life incredibly awful. I suspect it jacked up my progesterone somehow, which considering my luteal phase is usually a good 13-14 days on its own meant it was waaaay over anything normal. That’s just a guess, though, based on what I’ve read about other’s experiences with progesterone supplementation during the 2WW.

So, to reiterate from the past two cycles, what I’m doing: temping daily, using the ferning microscope daily,  using wondfo OPKs once I start seeing ferns, drinking mint tea every morning, drinking bone broth every day, eating 2-3tbsp maca powder daily (by way of truffle form – i.e., powder + cocoa + sunflower butter + coconut oil), moving my body daily, and generally trying to keep my stress levels low.

I feel a lot like we’re just going through the motions at this point, but I suppose that’s better than giving up. I have absolutely no hope that this cycle will work. I don’t know if an RE will give us any answers, but I do believe they can at least rule a handful of things out and give us a different plan.

I’m working on finding a therapist, just haven’t heard back from the handful I’ve contacted so far. They had convenient little ways to message them without calling, but I guess I’ll have to suck it up and call. I hate calling. I hate it. So. Much. But at least now I’m stable enough that I (probably) won’t start crying on the phone.

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Filed under BFN, depression, gaybies, TTC

TTC Round 2, #2 | DPO 12

I tested this morning because a) I wanted to make sure my gut feeling was right and b) if it was positive, this would be my last Sunday cook-up where I could have a glass (or two) of wine.

My intuition is right and it was negative. I was not surprised and frankly, I was a little relieved. I want to be able to trust what my body is telling me, and it is telling me right now that this one didn’t work. So. Good to have that confirmed.

Starting to feel a little better. Haven’t cried even once today, so go me. It helps knowing that in a few days I will feel normal again. Plus, this validates my hypothesis that this whole depression is not strictly TTC related. If it were, then the BFN this morning should have sent me spiraling back down. But it did not.

I feel like I have been incredibly negative on here lately and I’m not going to apologize for it. I am going to say that I will continue chronicling my emotions because it has helped me to see that it is both an ongoing problem and cyclical. I wish I had been paying closer attention a year ago, but we have what we have. But I understand if you unfollow me because depressed people Are Not Fun.

At least it should get brighter in the days to come.

Meme’wards!

Day 1 – Ten random facts about yourself
Day 2 – Nine things you do every day
Day 3 – Eight things that annoy you
Day 4 – Seven fears/phobias
Day 5 – Six songs that you’re addicted to
Day 6 – Five things you can’t live without
Day 7 – Four memories you won’t forget
Day 8 – Three words you can’t go a day without
Day 9 – Two things you wish you could do
Day 10 – One person you can trust

 

Day 9: Two Things I Wish I Could Do

 

1) Apropos my current situation: snap out of depression whenever I felt like it, or at least as easily as people make it sound like it should be. Instead, I might as well try to turn into a train.

2) Play an instrument. Or really have any sort of musical talent. I’ve had a uke for over two years now and all I can do is strum idly. I’ve tried learning and watching youtube videos and reading books, but what I really need is a teacher and that is where this becomes a wish instead of a goal, because I just don’t have the time to devote to learning/playing. It is not my top priority. But it sure would be nice if I could actually play my uke in the evening sometimes and have it not sound like a dying cat.

 

 

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Filed under BFN, depression, gaybies, TTC, two week wait

TTC Round 2 | Cycle 2, CD1

Wondfos were right again. I’m starting to hate those things.

I actually feel much clearer today – clear-headed, clear-bodied, clear-souled. For once, things happened as I expected. I expected my temp to be down when I checked this morning – it was. I expected to start bleeding shortly after that – I did. Everything was nice and clear and obvious, no second guessing, no prolonged maybe’s.

Basically, what I wish the rest of the 2WW could be.

Alas, that just seems to be the nature of the beast.

I sat down last night after crying over my boss’ poorly timed comment – you’re lucky you don’t have kids – and intended to write out the pros of being out this cycle. I realized I wasn’t being honest if I did that, so I wrote out both the pros and the cons. Grouped together like that, they made me feel a little better.

Cons: No October baby. Less of a chance of any baby this year. Still not knowing if I can even get pregnant. No guarantee that I’ll beat my sis-in-law. No cute bump when we see family in May/June. Won’t be able to use any of the time I put into the catastrophic leave bank at work. No forward momentum.

Pros: No morning sickness while Lady’s family visits in the next few weeks. An extra month to save money. An increased chance that I’ll be able to quit work before birth. An increased chance that we might move before birth. No bump = more comfortable traveling in June. Potential November baby.

The pros aren’t really all that good, but it’s better than nothing. And again – at least I finally ovulated and had a normal cycle. 35 days is about as normal as it gets for me. My temps stayed nice and high and I got to add even more potential symptoms to my ignore list: vivid dreams, triphasic temp, and loads of CM.

Looking back, it looks like I probably ovulated just way too late for that insem to have had a chance. We didn’t really have a choice, what with everything happening in early January, but this cycle we’re going to try things a little differently (assuming I ov before mid-March [sad that I have to caveat that, but there is just absolutely no guarantee]).

First of all, this is the last time we go this alone. I mentioned seeking out an RE a few posts ago and I’m sticking to that. We had already planned to break again mid-March for timing reasons (we will probably be moving December-January of next year, so). Knowing the length of my cycles, we’ll only get one chance before then. So we’ll take that chance, and then if/when it doesn’t work, I’ll have four well-timed insems that I can point to as not working (seven total, but three of those were up in the air) and a crazily erratic cycle I can also point to when we make the appointment. We’ll also have close to three months to do tests and see if we can figure out what’s going on and what approach will work best.

With that in mind, we’re giving this cycle everything we have left. I’m going to use the ferning microscope together with OPK strips and basically try a shotgun-with-birdshot approach. This will be our last chance to do these on the super cheap (hoorah for our local donor!) and therefore we have nothing to lose if we do many. I’m also going to keep eating maca (it’s almost palpable when you mix it with sunbutter and cocoa powder), taking vitamin D3, and drinking TJ’s candy cane green tea, because I was doing all of those (a lot) with my last cycle.

I’m going to try not to fret too much about all the little things I could be trying or the lifestyle changes I could be making because at this point, it’s just not going to happen. I will do what I do – lift and run and walk and bike and eat as healthily as I can and hang out with friends and occasionally vege out on the couch and watch Crash Course with my wife – because if that’s not enough, fuck if I know what is.

Here’s to a fresh start in February.

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Filed under BFN, gaybies, goals, TTC