Um… am I seeing things?
Um… am I seeing things?
It’s always nice when Fertility Friend agrees with me. I mean, I’ve never been wrong about ov dates but FF has – last IUI FF and I disagreed wildly – and despite knowing I know my body better than a random app, it still made me nervous.
Ignoring the reality of the two week wait has been more difficult than I initially assumed. Somehow, ignoring the fact that Monday’s appointment was going to happen was way easier than ignoring the ticking countdown of the 2WW. A hundred times a day I am aware which DPO this is. A hundred times a day I have to resist the impulse to google implantation aids/IUI chances/2WW ideas. Some things never change.
How many times have I been here, trying not to wonder? I don’t even want to count. I don’t think I can count.
This time will pass. But it is still my time – precious and few. So today, I am looking forward to squatting 145#. I am looking forward to feeling the sun on my skin. I am looking forward to going home early and spending the evening with my wife – writing, reading, whatever. I am looking forward to getting back to my story and seeing where it goes from here. I am looking forward to my beet and chard pilaf for lunch. To cat faces and sunset.
Woo! I don’t know what happened, but this is now the second time our timing could have been off but wasn’t. It’s like when we were on our own, what could go wrong always went wrong, but with IUI, what could go wrong… doesn’t.
Anyway. One big fat honking follicle this time at 23mm. RE said we could do the IUI right then or wait until tomorrow morning. He thinks I’ll ovulate early tomorrow. My gut says today. All of the medical literature I’ve read indicates that insem before ov gives a much, much bigger chance of success, so I trusted my instinct and we went ahead and did the IUI this morning.
The vial was also A++. 16mm sperm and super motile.
So. Two weeks. You know how it goes. I’m going to channel whatever Chill Vibe I had these last two weeks and take this day by day by day. I’m not even going to think about the chances or whether or not it could work. I’m going to keep taking my vitamin d (a++ would recommend) and eating lower carb and lots of veggies and focusing on weightlifting and doing the little things every day that bring me closer to my other dreams. This would have been impossible to do five, six, seven months ago, but my brain chemistry has definitely changed in some fundamental way and I am 100% glad for it.
Really. Vitamin D. If you’re having trouble with anxiety/depression and lifestyle changes aren’t doing it, try taking a ridiculous amount. I started taking 4000IU a day in early December and my depressive periods have shortened from a week to a day, half a day. It’s amazing.
Here’s to luck and one more try after this. ❤
We rang in the new year with friends and fire, which is always appropriate. Drinks were raised and wishes were made and everyone hoped for a better 2016 than 2015.
I sipped a cranberry tonic all evening, which I can’t recommend enough. Just cranberry juice and tonic water, but I still felt like I was celebrating. I get to drink again tomorrow, assuming my intuition is correct. We shall see.
I have already started practicing my new year’s resolution to not hesitate. I’ve been wanting to do something different with my hair for a while – it’s straight and flat and boring – but I didn’t know what until I was idly scanning pinterest one day. Within an hour I had ordered myself a curling iron with some leftover Christmas money and I couldn’t be more pleased. There’s still a learning curve, but it’s given me a boost of cuteness when I needed it most.
I also spent all of New Year’s Day wrapped in blankets and reading. It was great. I even started writing again – granted, 200 words, but that’s 200 more than I’ve written in almost a month. My only real goals for the year are to read and write more. I have a list of 20 books to read that are all firmly within my genre and I have a calendar which I’m marking off for every day that I write. These are both things that, done consistently, will improve my life. They are also some of the few things I have control over right now.
I have drinks and donuts planned for tomorrow to take the sting out of this cycle failing. I know it’s not over until it’s over, but I know my body and my body is prophesying tides of blood. Besides, it would be kind of embarrassing to have to cancel those plans because then I’d have to tell my friends why, so I’m sort of daring it. It’s like anti-jinxing. Either way I win.
So far, I’m doing surprisingly well. I’ve been a lot more gentle on myself than usual these two weeks, but I think it’s also the amount of vitamin D I’ve been taking: 4400 iu. Which is to say: a metric shit ton. 100 iu is your daily recommended, so that’s 4400%. It sounds like a lot, but I feel so much more like my usual self. I got sad when I got the BFN on Wednesday, but that sadness felt normal. None of that out of control, feeling like a truck is on my chest, unable to breathe, unable to think, unable to function, flat out depression. The true test will be tomorrow, but considering I’m normally a non-functioning mess by the end of my 2WW, I’m optimistic.
I’ve read a lot about PCOS and vitamin D, and simply needing more in general because of the PCOS. I wonder: have any of you experienced the same thing?
Hope 2016 is treating you right so far!
Kitty faces make everything better.
I think I might have had a mild form of OHSS. Or maybe it’s just a typical reaction to letrozole and HCG? I got super duper bloated and started retaining water hardcore for a few days, gained 4lbs, had headaches, sore boobs, and all sorts of abdominal distress. Basically, I was a gas machine.
Of course, I was all like “symptoms?!” and when I discovered an extra cheapo HPT living in my purse (wtf?), I decided what the hell, might as well. Of course it was negative, but I’m kind of relieved that I did take the HPT, because now I can stop what-if-ing about those particular symptoms and blame them on (perhaps) OHSS instead.
Also of course: all of that bloating and distress has receded a bit today. So now I want to ask ya’ll: has this ever happened to you with an IUI? I only had two follicles and I’m sure I’ve had two release during other, unmedicated cycles, but this is the first time something like this has happened. Maybe it was something else?
As far as confidence about this cycle goes, that confidence has waned considerably. I am now 95% certain that I’ll get to have a big glass of wine on Sunday. I’m okay with it right now, but whether that’s because it’s still to come or because I know we did everything we could this time or because I have doubled the amount of vitamin D I’m taking… well, I guess we’ll see.
Because of new job and not knowing whether or not we would even be in the country for Christmas back when the planning was being done, we ended up home on our own this year. Which was fine – more than fine. Needed, even.
With a four day weekend looming in the middle of our 2WW, I knew we’d need to get out of town, though. I wanted snow and I wanted hiking and I wanted hot cocoa and a fireplace, so I found us a hotel in Flagstaff with a fireplace and left work early on Wednesday and we drove and drove.
So for Christmas Eve, we had snow. And it finally felt like Christmas. Without extended family or presents or a big tree, snow was the only thing left. We went for a hike and it was wonderfully cold and quiet. It started snowing on us towards the end, but they were these tiny little pellets of ice really. We went back to town and had hot cocoa and sat in front of a fire and then I finally succumbed to the migraine that had been growing all day.
(If you squint, you can see sideways snow!)
We drove back Christmas morning. For a while, it was slow going because it was snowing sideways and only one lane was really clear, but oh, it was gorgeous.
It was a bit of a last minute decision, but I’m glad we did it. In fact, it helped to underscore something that I’ve very thoroughly learned this past year: last minute is fine. Rash, quick decisions are fine.
I am tired of waiting, and for every important decision I made this year I waited way too long. My intuition was correct each time, and had I acted sooner, we might be in a better place now. Certainly, we’re better off than we would have been if I hadn’t made the decisions at all, but time and time again I have waited and over-analyzed a situation before acting when I could have acted much sooner.
Of course, I say that as we’re in the middle of waiting for this 2WW to end. Nothing I can do about that. I’d test sooner, but I only have three HPTs left – exactly one for each IUI we can do. So I’ll practice patience here, but everywhere else – you better watch out.
Holy fuck how is it only DPO 3.
You’d think I’d never survived a 2WW before. Well, I’m probably just out of practice. The last few I knew were long shots, so I didn’t get my hopes up. This time, I’m weirdly optimistic. My temp went up. I’m on drugs for the PCOS now. There were two eggs. At this point, I’m actually feeling very confident. And then I think about how much longer we have to wait…
Anyway, to stay distracted I’ve been working on a new tumblr: Speck Runs. It’s running/lifting/mental health oriented and I thought a few of you guys might be interested. It’s hard to find anything that is fitness inspiration without a metric ton of body shaming, so I decided to curate my own.
So far it’s been a fun distraction, but I can’t be on tumblr all the time. I’ve also been planning a short little trip up north where we can play in the snow and just generally be out of town and contact for a day or two. I’ve been looking at places to go for food and what kind of clothes I should bring, but it’s still not enough to keep the incessant wondering from the back of my mind.
That’s the one truth I’ve learned about the two week wait: being busy helps, but nothing can stop that constant questioning.
Just 11 (12 ) more days…