Giving Myself Some Slack

Holy fuck motherhood is tough. I have to admit, I was once of those asshats who looked at frazzled, exhausted, at wit’s end mothers and honestly couldn’t comprehend how it could be that bad. I was one of those people who rolled their eyes when mothers compared themselves to superheroes. Rolled them all the way ’round when a mother would highjack a conversation about work-life balance or some-such with a “you think that’s hard! try raising kids!”

Granted, most of this was before I really started down the path of TTC and began reading so many others’ experiences. And then I sort of just… shut down and stopped thinking about kids or babies for a while. As you do.

And now, here we are. Here I am. Frazzled. Exhausted. At wit’s end. Yet somehow keeping everything from completely spinning out of control, if only through sheer spite. And any time someone who isn’t a parent mentions how tired they are, how overwhelmed, I have to bite my tongue. Remind myself that, cliche as it is, no one can really understand what it’s like until they, too, Have Been There. But yes, I chuckle, somewhat hysterically, at any recommendation that I get more sleep or I do This One Thing to organize my life!! or that finding the time to exercise isn’t that hard!! hahahahaha

But. Yet. I’m keeping it together. I’m doing okay.

No.

Fuck it.

I’m doing AMAZING.

I haven’t slept more than 1.5 hours at a stretch in almost five weeks and both baby and wife have been constantly afflicted with colds and yet, I’ve:

– Kept up with the dishes
– Made enough food that *something* is available every day
– Acquired food every weekend
– Stuck to my stupidly restricted diet (no dairy, no gluten, no nightshades [see: no pizza, not ever])
– Vacuumed regularly
– Showered… less regularly
– Made it in to work on time every day (granted, I work from home and it’s 3 days a week, but still)
– Pumped 3 times a day for those work days even though I hate pumping with the very core of my being
– Woken up early enough to fit in another pumping session
– Paid the bills. On time.
– Fed & watered cats
– Gone on a walk or for a run or lifted every day most days
– Kept up with doing laundry (folding and putting away, not so much – what do you expect, miracles?)
– Worked 38 hour weeks
– While being the sole caregiver for Lady Jr two days a week
– Kept up with wordcount goals
– Gotten up at 5.30am every day to hit said goals
– Not wholly succumbed to eating just pints of (dairy free) ice cream
– Actually gone to a park or two with the baby

I’m sure there’s some I’m missing. Oh yes:

– Taken care of and played with the best, happiest, most cute 4 month old (evah!!)

The lows are low, but the highs are so high. Her giggles, her laughs, her smiles, her wiggles, her annoyed chirps – she gets me through all of the hard bits. She is worth all of it.

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14 Comments

Filed under depression, gaybies, happy things

14 responses to “Giving Myself Some Slack

  1. You’re doing brilliantly. Getting things done will come in waves. Sometimes it gets easier, sometimes harder. Giving yourself slack is vital.

  2. Girl, it is SO HARD. So crazy hard. The love, though–it’s like a drug. It keeps us coming back. I have a really hard time when my kid-free friends or coworkers tell me how tired they are or how they don’t have enough time for themselves. Seriously, they are lucky I haven’t snapped yet. You are rocking this.

  3. Super star status right there!

  4. Yup, parenting is hard! You definitely get a gold star for being awesome!!

  5. You are doing awesome! I haven’t don’t half that stuff without having had and without having to care for a baby! Xxxx

  6. Amy

    You are one of those supermoms you scoffed at before (I did too). You’ve got this figured out!! And part of having it figured out seems to be figuring out that it’s fucking hard and sometimes the best you can do is “good enough”. I’m feeling this way too, lately. We’re finally dues paying members of the motherhood club, and we get the benefits of those amazing highs and being able to say our job is the hardest in the world πŸ˜‰

    • It sure is, and I can think of over 100 ways it could be even harder. I would say I don’t know how people do it, but they do it the same way we do: day by day. Smile by smile.

  7. You really are an amazing human being. I’m still in college and working two jobs and one of them is being a nanny. Sometimes 3 full 24 hours days in a row and it makes me want to scream. Granted they’re 10 year old twins, so they’re a little more self sufficient than your four month old haha But it makes me realize I am in no way ready to be a mom. And if I do become one I’ll probably suck. Keep being a supermomma and raising super children!

    • In a way, the four month old is easy peasy because when I put her down, she doesn’t roll/crawl/run away. She naps, she doesn’t throw food, she doesn’t cry or scream or pull her non-existent sibling’s hair. Honestly I’m a little afraid of the more mobile years because then they really become a handful. I just hope there’s more sleep involved then, hah.
      I hope they give you enough time to get your homework done, at least. I remember college work – that’s a job in and of itself.

  8. As an expectant FTM, I haven’t learned what it’s like to be TRULY exhausted yet! I’m excited/scared to find out.

    • Don’t worry too much about it. It will come. Focus on enjoying (if you can) pregnancy. And also please please please take as many naps as you can, for those of us who can’t. I remember the first trimester exhaustion, and that was just ridiculous. Like, this isn’t fun, but that was worse, because no amount of sleep made it better. So if that helps give perspective… πŸ™‚

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