(oh god don’t jinx it)
Last week was rough. We started off failing miserably by trying to change our routine right when Lady Jr decided it was time to change things up and it just went down hill from there. She started screaming in the evenings again, which meant I needed to stay up and help by letting her comfort nurse. Which also meant I forewent my guaranteed 3-4 hours of sleep. Which meant I didn’t get any sleep. Which meant by Monday/Tuesday, I was a bit of a wreck.
And then Dr Lady got sick. In my efforts to make sure she got sleep and got better asap, I had the Night From Hell. After five days of really bad sleep and increasing insomnia, Lady Jr decided it was time to scream for four hours. Straight. When she finally went down for the night at 12am, I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was lie on the couch and anxiously wait for her to wake up. For five hours.
I saw the abyss, you guys.
I cried until my eyes hurt. I thought all the dark, awful thoughts I could possibly think. I completely, 100% understood why some women snap and hurt their babies/themselves. I didn’t blame Lady Jr but I felt nothing for her. She smiled – I sobbed.
I never, ever, ever want to do that again. That wasn’t just exhaustion. That was something beyond exhaustion. It was a dark, awful place.
Also please remind me that if a new mom tells me she’s exhausted I should never tell her “well my child is still waking once a night at 9 months!”
Bless my mother for being here and helping out. I was able to hand off the baby and get a few hours of sleep the next day, so I didn’t break. But it wasn’t until I caved and took a benadryl that I was able to fall asleep again. Lady Jr was better the next night – some crying, but soothable – and then the following night Dr Lady was better.
And now last night I got six hours of sleep. Not altogether, of course. But holy shit.
And Lady Jr has been smiling and sleeping and babbling and oh god, I hope we’re on the downhill now.