Honestly, I came to hate the phrase “things will work out!” during our TTC years. When everything looks like failure and you can’t see a way forward except for giving up, it doesn’t provide much solace.
But it’s not untrue.
I don’t know if it’s the Way the Universe Is or a greater force or simply our very human way of making sense out of our otherwise senseless experiences, but things do tend to work out all right. Coincidences and happenstances accrue until you can look back at a certain point and seriously believe This Was Meant to Happen.
Dr Lady is gone all week so I’ve had a lot of time alone by myself to think and talk to Lady Jr. And I realized in talking to her the other night that we would not be here, with her, without those struggles, without those failures, without all those opportunities going up in smoke.
We would have had a different Lady Jr, a different donor, and a wholly different work situation. For one thing, if we’d had our BFP sooner, I would not be so calmly looking forward to getting to work at home in my last weeks, to knowing I’d have a job when I come back from maternity leave, to the sheer flexibility of this work. I would still be working with the county, in a job that I had learned to despise, a job where I’d have had to go on FMLA for my OB appointments (I’m not even kidding), where I would have gotten three months off but then would have had to come back to work full time right away. I would have felt stuck there, unwilling to leave the security of regular pay and benefits with a child on the way.
If I’d had our BFP sooner, I doubt I would have gathered the courage to quit that job and I would never have been available at the exact right time for this new job, where I have already learned so many new things and had such a great experience.
If we’d had our BFP sooner, we would have been in the much less envious situation of moving cross-country with two cats and a small child. We would have been flying around the country this last year, visiting newborns and relatives and weddings, with a crawling/walking toddler. Which is doable! But goodness am I glad that when Lady Jr is one and two and three, we will have the luxury of driving to see most of our relatives.
If Dr Lady’s opportunity to go to France hadn’t fallen through last autumn, there wouldn’t even be a Lady Jr. Honestly, there might never have been a Lady Jr. It was that very month that I had fully given up, and it wasn’t until after it fell through that I thought – well, I guess we might as well try IUI.
If Dr Lady’s opportunity to go to France hadn’t fallen through last spring, well – I’d still be pregnant, but I likely wouldn’t have a stay-at-home job and I wouldn’t have been able to attend my friend’s wedding.
If I hadn’t spent so long in TTC, I would not have the appreciation for all this that I do now. I wouldn’t have found out I had PCOS – which ended up explaining all the weird hormonal stuff in my past. I wouldn’t have found this community. And I wouldn’t have learned so very, very much about not just TTC and how our bodies work, but about babies and pregnancy and breastfeeding and what you need and what’s normal and what’s not. I wouldn’t have had the chance to read so many others’ experiences, in real time. To gain so much knowledge and understand that yes, it’s hard, but it’s also doable.
TTC was hard. Missing out on France was hard. Quitting my job and dealing with four months of unemployment and uncertainty was hard. Accepting that we needed medical intervention was hard.
But… I wouldn’t trade where I am now for anything. Lady Jr is a unique confluence of events and I couldn’t have chosen better ones.