Days when I wake up and don’t immediately want to go back to sleep.
Days when I can go outside and enjoy the sun on my lunch break – or even write! – instead of taking a nap.
Days when I don’t notice the smell of burnt pickles in the elevator.
Days when I can get actual work done.
Days when I eat all of the nightshades BECAUSE I CAN.
Days when I have enough energy after work to make dinner or clean up or pack lunches for the next day.
Days when I have a normal appetite and can even eat some vegetables.
Days when I drink enough water.
Days when the pudge looks less like pudge and more like a wee bump.
Days when my bra fits.
Days when I can see the light at the end of the first trimester tunnel.
Days when I panic (just a little) because I almost feel normal.
Days when I can daydream about where this is all going and feel hopeful and grateful and loveful.
Days when I’m so incredibly, 900% exhausted that I actually dread going to sleep because I know it won’t help.
Days when Crossfit makes me want to curl into a ball and cry because I’m so tired.
Days when even walking is hard.
Days when I spend hours wishing I would just throw up already.
Days when I’m afraid to do anything at work because I keep getting it wrong.
Days when even passing by the men’s bathroom makes me gag. Urinal cakes are the worst.
Days when I dread going to work because it just smells so bad.
Days when I get sharp stabbing pains in my stomach and worry it’s going to turn into another hour-long burning pain fest of doom.
Days when I feel guilty feeling this gross and awful, because we did so much to get here.
Days when I can’t even look forward to the weekend, because no amount of sleep seems to help.
Today is a good day. No pain, minimal exhaustion, minimal wanting to throw up and/or punch people. I had a bagel because suddenly I needed an asiago bagel stat and I had a blueberry & strawberry & kale smoothie. I am finding balance and learning to push through the exhaustion sometimes and let myself rest other times.
Yesterday was a bad day that turned into a good day. I couldn’t get moving. I was exhausted. I teared up at the thought of going to work. I went anyway. I hated everyone. I wanted to throw up and be done with it. I told myself that if I still felt that bad by lunch time, I could go home. But the awful abated and I felt better and I didn’t even have to take a nap during my break. I even went to Crossfit and stayed up late holding Lady’s hand as she got her tattoo touched up.
It’s hard to know how a day will go, but I’m trying to be hopeful.