I’ve been blessed (so far) with a very mild pregnancy. To the point where the symptoms I do have I question whether or not they’re really related. There are some that are obvious: the burping nausea, the food-not-wanting, the fatigue, the inability to push through a workout, the sore boobs, the big boobs.
But this exhaustion seems to be coupled with a weird, blank state. My emotions and reactions are severely muted, which is actually kind of nice because I haven’t felt any worry or anxiety for a few weeks now. No spark of panic or fear that something is going to happen. No worrying that we’re all going to die in a fiery car crash at any moment. It’s odd, but nice.
It’s not depression. I know depression can sometimes be characterized as an absence of feeling, but that absence chokes you and hangs heavy in your throat. That absence is a gaping chasm that spans the width of your chest, exactly where your hopes and dreams used to be.
This absence is… more like cotton balls. Like I’m swimming through a bath-warm sea and everything is simply dampened and at a distance. I can see my hopes and dreams and emotions shimmering just out of arm’s reach, but I can’t access them. I can’t daydream. I can’t plot. But I also can’t catastrophize. So.
I don’t know if it’s tied into the exhaustion at all. Like, maybe I’m just literally too tired to emote. I’m sleeping 10 hours a night and still having to take a nap (thank god I work where I do, a place which actually has a quiet space for naps). I’m so looking forward to all the naps I’m going to take this weekend.
I assume this is somehow tied into the hormonal changes and completely normal. Just, you know, you usually read/hear about the other extreme, where your emotions are out of control. Perhaps that’s still to come.
In the meantime, I kind of like this weird, zen-like feeling, even if it’s difficult to get anything done.