I am not Special

I wrote a post in this vein when I was over my head in the TTC trenches and reading too many baby board posts about improbable and impossible circumstances. I don’t know how many women can actually be pregnant despite a full on bleed, but the numbers must be minuscule. Still, there was a maddened voice whispering what if?? at every increasingly small possibility. To the point where I had to stop, breathe, and remind myself: I’m not special.

And I was right. Not a single one of the crazy, insane potentialities came to pass. And the less probable turned out equally unlikely. I had very bad luck at times, especially with timing, but I never had anything that wasn’t at least somewhat common. If there was a greater chance of something else happening, then that happened.

Now I’m trying to channel that I’m not special calm again. We still have a week until the ultrasound and every day I’m not bleeding is a victory, but of course I also have to worry about whether my symptoms are symptomy enough. Right now, though, the odds are greater that it’ll be fine. Way greater. I know from experience that that doesn’t guarantee nada, but I’m trying to be positive, to be hopeful, to treasure this as it is.

Over the course of TTC, I learned the not-so-helpful behavior of being pessimistic from the get-go to dampen future disappointment. Honestly, I only deprived myself of feeling good for a short period of time, because nothing could dampen that disappointment. Also honestly, I was really depressed.

I have to unlearn that behavior. Being timid and careful and afraid and nervous now won’t change the future. But it’s so, so hard to unlearn and I keep catching myself saying if and being unable to see past the first few months. Even booking a plane out to see parents and family after we plan on telling them feels like a form of jinxing.

Breathe.

It’ll be okay. For once, the odds are in our favor.

But next week’s ultrasound can’t come fast enough.

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3 Comments

Filed under gaybies, pregnancy

3 responses to “I am not Special

  1. God I remember feeling like this. I spent most of my pregnancy saying “if we have this baby.” Don’t be like me. It’s my biggest regret. You are pregnant. Period. You get to be unabashedly happy about that.

  2. I for one am super excited about this first ultrasound and can’t wait to hear all about it!

  3. I worried a lot about jinxing too, and I hated telling people early, because it felt like a jinx. I did some helpful re-framing when I started to think about the baby as a person. I have an easier time thinking positive and encouraging thoughts toward the baby, cheering the baby on to be strong and stay put, and trusting that the baby is doing what it needs to do, rather than hoping “fate” is kind to me, or the statistics are in my favor. I don’t know if that would help you, but it’s an idea.

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