I wrote a post in this vein when I was over my head in the TTC trenches and reading too many baby board posts about improbable and impossible circumstances. I don’t know how many women can actually be pregnant despite a full on bleed, but the numbers must be minuscule. Still, there was a maddened voice whispering what if?? at every increasingly small possibility. To the point where I had to stop, breathe, and remind myself: I’m not special.
And I was right. Not a single one of the crazy, insane potentialities came to pass. And the less probable turned out equally unlikely. I had very bad luck at times, especially with timing, but I never had anything that wasn’t at least somewhat common. If there was a greater chance of something else happening, then that happened.
Now I’m trying to channel that I’m not special calm again. We still have a week until the ultrasound and every day I’m not bleeding is a victory, but of course I also have to worry about whether my symptoms are symptomy enough. Right now, though, the odds are greater that it’ll be fine. Way greater. I know from experience that that doesn’t guarantee nada, but I’m trying to be positive, to be hopeful, to treasure this as it is.
Over the course of TTC, I learned the not-so-helpful behavior of being pessimistic from the get-go to dampen future disappointment. Honestly, I only deprived myself of feeling good for a short period of time, because nothing could dampen that disappointment. Also honestly, I was really depressed.
I have to unlearn that behavior. Being timid and careful and afraid and nervous now won’t change the future. But it’s so, so hard to unlearn and I keep catching myself saying if and being unable to see past the first few months. Even booking a plane out to see parents and family after we plan on telling them feels like a form of jinxing.
It’ll be okay. For once, the odds are in our favor.
But next week’s ultrasound can’t come fast enough.