Spoke too Soon

I was okay earlier this week. I smiled and looked at the mountains and breathed in the crisp air and felt something, felt normal, felt joy, for the first time in too long.

I don’t know what changed. Or I do? And hope that’s not it?

Now I’m swimming in anxiety and feel like I’m choking and my chest is tight and someone has left their 1 ton weight on my sternum and tears are only a heartbeat away and I’m so. tired. of this, so. frustrated. I have literally changed everything in my life and it was getting better – is better, right now, right this moment – and yet.

Is this all just from TTC? Has this process broken me in ways that I’ll still be piecing together months, years, decades down the line? Or is this me? An inevitable piece of me that is expanding and expanding, relentless?

I guess I can only wait and see what March brings, when I will be done, done, done. Considering I was 100% ready to throw in the towel earlier this week, I can only imagine the relief I will feel then.

In light of all this, we might move up our possible start date. I talked with Lady a bit and she agreed with me that since my cycle is already trying to fuck things up, we might as well cushion our try with a few more weeks. Instead of January, we’re going to be ready to do this thing whenever the next cycle begins. Which, frankly, might be January. But that way I can stop worrying about the cycle after this next one, which could put us into February – or beyond.

That decision is helping me breathe a little bit better, but it’s hard not to just be so thoroughly frustrated with my body. Somehow, it always finds the perfect way to fuck things up. Or maybe I shouldn’t blame my body, but the universe at large, the evil future sky wizard, fate. I want control, but I have none.

The only way out is through.

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4 Comments

Filed under depression, PCOS, TTC

4 responses to “Spoke too Soon

  1. AmyApplesnail

    I’m sorry you’ve reached your wits end! I hope your next cycle works out for you so you can start in December maybe!

  2. This journey is the most difficult one, emotionally I have ever faced, (and I have faced poverty, homelessness, and abandonment) when you feel like giving up, when you are at your wits end, know that there are people who have trudged this path along with you, we are listening, we are supporting, we are hoping beyond hope for you. Sometimes life is found in the journey and not in the destination. This is just one part of your journey. There is so much we can learn from struggle and self doubt that will help us grow in ways we could never prepare ourselves. Don’t give your life to fear and anxiety, give it to hope and confidence. Confidence in your ability to write beautiful words that give you sanctuary and give your mind hope that where this treacherous journey is talking you is toward the joy. No battle worth fighting will ever be easy, but it will always be worth it. Don’t lose hope my friend, you have a beautiful soul worth fighting for and I truly believe you will find that joy waiting for you when this part of the journey is over.

    • I wonder how/why it can feel worse than poverty and abandonment? I keep feeling like this can’t possibly be as bad as it is, but I wonder if it’s just that constant state of not knowing, not being in control.

      • For me, those things were thrust upon me. They were also things beyond my control, but what could be controlled about those two things were the knowledge that things could get better. TTC is a process of unpredictability. You can work and plan, but there is no guarantee of anything. With poverty and abandonment, I knew what the possible outcomes could be and how to improve both situations. It took a long time to get to the place I am, hard work to finish my degrees, and to let go of those who had let go of me. But for some reason, this process of fertility/infertility has been a harder challenge to face because I can do everything right and it is still beyond my grasp. I knew there would be a light at the end of the tunnel with the other things because I knew I would and could work hard to overcome them, but TTC is not necessarily something you overcome, it is something that happens or doesn’t and keeping the faith when you don’t know what the outcome will be is why it feels worse to me.

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