You guys have been through some really dark times on here with me and suffered through endless posts about depression. This blog and you guys have been a light in all that darkness, a place where I could pour out my heart without fear of judgement. And I really, really appreciate that.
But I shouldn’t forget to talk about the good times, when it’s going okay. This blog is my shelter in the storm of life, but it should also be a place for celebration.
And right now, life is okay. Good, even. I don’t know if it’s the TTC break that’s helping or the vitamin D I’m taking – I expect both – but I’m not going to question it. For months and months it felt like someone was scraping sandpaper across my brain, with all of the unpleasantness and irritability that entails, and now that’s gone. I feel calm. Stable. Like a mentally healthy human being.
Weird how good that feels.
Strangely, what made me realize how far I’ve come – since August, since April, since fucking awful February – was when a pregnancy was unexpectedly announced. I didn’t have any walls up and was taken by surprise. It felt like they’d come out and punched me and the jealousy and the anger and the self-pity flooded in, unbidden. But it wasn’t overwhelming and I let myself feel it and then – it was gone. No endless hours of fixating. My day wasn’t ruined. It sucked and then I let it go.
I couldn’t have done that a few months ago.
I’m worried I won’t be able to do it again in a few months.
But that will come later, if it does at all. For now, I’m just thankful to be okay, to be good. To be in a place of stability and peace. Final-fucking-ly.
Day 2 of the SoA PCOS Diet of Awesome went easier than Day 1. I had:
- 115g carbs, but I ran 2+ miles this morning, which means I get a bonus 20g of carbs, so I’m right at where I want to be.
- 1 tbsp of coconut oil and cinnamon in my morning coffee
- Sweet potato, greens, and sausage for breakfast
- Kefir and granola for snack 1
- Yellow lentils, spinach, and curried chicken for lunch
- A possum (shot of espresso with some hot water and a splash of chocolate syrup) and an epic bar for snack 2
- Sliced turkey, salami, and smoked gouda for dinner (healthy? meh. full of protein and low carb? awwyiss)
I was a lot hungrier today, probably because of the run this morning. We also picked up some fatty snacks (see: salami and gouda) after work, so hopefully I can snack on those tomorrow in lieu of the granola which, while homemade, is still pretty carby.
Temp is still not up, but I expect it will take a few days for my body to respond to this new regimen. I’ll give it another week before I despair.