Yup. It’s time for another break.
The pneumonia kind of killed this cycle, but then I was expecting something to happen so I’m not bummed. I’m giving it another week before calling it completely, but I had a ton of time to think while I was laid up and out of it.
Some of those thoughts were in direct response to finding out we aren’t moving to France right away. Relief. A second shot. The time to try going back to the RE and giving it every last thing we got.
Some of those thoughts were in response to the general malaise and lack of direction that has crept into my life. I did everything I could to find happiness again but didn’t find it. I had a sort of come-to-Jesus moment when I realized how I was holding this space open and empty for TTC in my life – this big what-am-I-doing, what-is-my-purpose type space. I kept hoping I could fill it once we succeeded and had a kid, but that’s… that’s a little messed up.
I’ve struggled with finding a purpose beyond being a writer, a meaning and a passion that would fill that hole in my life, for the past… well, ever. I let myself lean on TTC as a crutch for the past two years and I think realizing that now is not our time has been so hard because it means facing that hole again.
So taking a break also means staring that emptiness down and finding a way to fill it. Be it a new career, a new hobby, a new community – something that will help me become a better person, to learn and continue growing and help the world, without losing my time to write.
I just… have no idea what that could be right now. But that’s part of the fun, right?
So the plan right now is to break until January. I’m going to try and get my diet back in line so that the doctor won’t chide me when I go back. We’re also going to look for a new, anonymous donor, because obviously this one hasn’t been working, but also because if we do IUI, the clinic requires a six month quarantine from a known donor.
This will give us 2-3 tries, hopefully, because if all goes to plan and Dr Lady gets this fellowship she’s applying for, we will be gone by April. But if not, I am going to be done after March. That’s the line I am drawing. I will be able to say we gave it our best shot and I will also be able to say that I have an end date.
After that we can talk about her trying, but there are so, so many problems tied up in that that I don’t want to get into. Suffice to say, if this last hoorah doesn’t work, we’re looking at a 2-3 year wait before we even think about trying again. Which… I’m a lot more okay with than I was. I think no one expects us to have a baby anymore, which is weirdly helpful.
In the meantime, I need to find some life meaning. Any tips?