I’ve been mostly quiet about TTC because I’ve been so deep in depression that I couldn’t process anything without breaking down. I’ve clawed my way back up again and seem to be relatively stable, so here goes.
I need to start working through this productively anyway, and it’s always helped to get it written out. There’s just something about getting thoughts down somewhere that breaks the circling in your head.
So last I updated, I hadn’t ovulated and our trip out of state was coming up fast. My cycle had been 28/29/29/30 days and had decided that now it was time to go for broke. Despite being really out of it, we went ahead and insem’ed before the trip because why the fuck not.
I also got a new thermometer in the middle of all that because my temps kept spiking and falling, spiking and falling. With the new therm, my temps levelled out. Unfortunately, switching therms mid-cycle can really confuse your graph. Plus, we then flew across the country by two time zones.
That’s all to say, I’m not sure if/when I ov’ed. If I wake up earlier than normal, it’s usually a few tenths lower. That coupled with a therm measuring a bit lower means my graph looks weird, but I *think* I did ov.
So there is a possibility we timed it right. If we did, I am on 7 DPO and I should start next weekend.
But I’m not holding my breath. This dance is too familiar: not knowing for sure if we timed it right, my body behaving differently. To be honest, I’ve been working through a lot these past two weeks and already accepting that this was it, our last chance.
In the back of my head I can hear a whispered “but, maybe-!” but it’s so faint. I have no hope left and honestly, it’s better this way. What are the chances at this point, after so many failed attempts? What are the chances when I can’t even confirm ov? What are the chances when there is no EWCM?
Looking ahead, this may have been our last chance. Between trips to the French embassy and donor going out of state and us going out of state again, the stars would have to align for us to have another chance. Considering how much the stars went out of their way to unalign for us, I doubt they’ll change their mind now.
I’ve been trying to accept that this just isn’t going to happen for us. That it hasn’t happened in the last two years and now it won’t happen in the next two, three. We still have Dr Lady, but there are a lot of complications with her trying right now. Plus, the added costs of actually buying sperm and dealing with ICI/IUI, which now that we’re down to a single income for the foreseeable future, just… I don’t know. We might be able to do one or two attempts, but it’s just such a shit ton of money to be throwing down the drain when we aren’t at all certain about our financial situation.
This can all change. This probably will all change. So much can happen and so much has happened. But if I have learned nothing else from this, I have at least learned that I do not deal well with uncertainty. I need a firm ground to stand on and plan from, even if it is mostly conjecture.
That conjecture is: I’m not pregnant. I will not be pregnant. But we cannot try with Lady for at least the next year, probably longer. And even then, we may not have the money.
And that… that can be okay. I’m working on formulating new dreams. Dreams that have been on hold since we first started planning this. I’m trying to see who I can be, who I want to be, in our new future.