Release

A year ago was when everything really went tits up with our TTC and my depression started in earnest. I still believe that the TTC process wasn’t the sole cause of that episode, but it certainly didn’t help. The eleven months that followed were some of the darkest of my life.

A recent blog post reminded me just how dark it had gotten. That I let myself get to a very, very dangerous point before I sought help. And I just want to say to my future self and anyone else reading: don’t. Don’t let it get that bad.

The very first time you have to go home early and/or call out of work because you can’t stop crying, that should have been when you got help. When you feel like the world is choking you, that’s when you should get help. When you’ve apologized to your partner for the umpteenth time about not being able to do basic things because you just don’t have the energy anymore (and that’s not at all normal for you), that’s when you should get help. When you’ve written how many? posts about how awful everything is and how awful you feel, that’s when you should get help.

I made that first appointment for my wife when I should have made it for myself months before. I’m still too afraid to talk about the thoughts I was having during the worst of it, but I want to learn and never, ever let it get that bad again. It doesn’t need to be the end of the world before you ask for help, or as my therapist phrased it – you don’t have to shatter your leg before you see a doctor.

Life is so much better now, in part because I sought help, and in part because I started changing things and kept changing things. Now I need to let go of those months that still feel like a chain around my neck. Breathe deep and be free.

I don’t quite know how to do that, but I have help now. I know it might take a while yet – I spent many months there, it’s not going to disappear overnight. But here’s to never having to live the past year again.

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6 Comments

Filed under depression, helpful tips

6 responses to “Release

  1. Depression has slithered its way into my life and it took nearly losing everyone and everything for me to ask for help. The stigma attached to depression is still very real and it is so important to share stories of getting through it so those who are afraid will feel more empowered to own their own depression instead of letting it own them. This was a great reminder that it is okay to talk about it. Thank you for writing this.

    • I think it’s also important to remember that we internalize that stigma without even realizing it. My mother is a therapist, so I thought I was immune to that stigma, but it looks like I was wrong.
      I’m glad I could help ❤

  2. I’ve been lucky regarding how TTC affected my mental health. I think dealing with my wife’s feelings about it (she varies from being wonderfully supportive to being concerned about having a lack of biological connection to the child and how unfair that is) was much harder. With TTC there’s (almost) always a solution or at least something different you can try (although not all solutions are accessible to everyone, this shit costs money yo).

    The hardest part of it is stepping away. Accepting the failure as permanent, that my dream won’t be realized is very hard and I’m very bad at it. But that probably speaks to how privileged my life has been so far.

    • My current theory is that since I’m already prone to depression & anxiety, TTC just triggered it. It was just hard to see that it was more than feeling bummed, which, reasonably, most ladies in this sitch go through.
      I definitely agree the hardest part is stepping away, and I hope you both find peace with your decision. We’ve started to have That Talk about what we’re going to do when/if these two last attempts go through, and it’s been really really difficult.
      ❤ ❤

  3. Depression is so bloody difficult. I went through a similar thing and you’re quite right about getting help as soon as you notice it. I’m glad you’re on the path to recovery xx

  4. Ugh. I’m so sorry it was so dark. I’m glad it’s getting better. We still may be on track to watch each others’ pregnancies plug along…FINALLY!

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