A year ago was when everything really went tits up with our TTC and my depression started in earnest. I still believe that the TTC process wasn’t the sole cause of that episode, but it certainly didn’t help. The eleven months that followed were some of the darkest of my life.
A recent blog post reminded me just how dark it had gotten. That I let myself get to a very, very dangerous point before I sought help. And I just want to say to my future self and anyone else reading: don’t. Don’t let it get that bad.
The very first time you have to go home early and/or call out of work because you can’t stop crying, that should have been when you got help. When you feel like the world is choking you, that’s when you should get help. When you’ve apologized to your partner for the umpteenth time about not being able to do basic things because you just don’t have the energy anymore (and that’s not at all normal for you), that’s when you should get help. When you’ve written how many? posts about how awful everything is and how awful you feel, that’s when you should get help.
I made that first appointment for my wife when I should have made it for myself months before. I’m still too afraid to talk about the thoughts I was having during the worst of it, but I want to learn and never, ever let it get that bad again. It doesn’t need to be the end of the world before you ask for help, or as my therapist phrased it – you don’t have to shatter your leg before you see a doctor.
Life is so much better now, in part because I sought help, and in part because I started changing things and kept changing things. Now I need to let go of those months that still feel like a chain around my neck. Breathe deep and be free.
I don’t quite know how to do that, but I have help now. I know it might take a while yet – I spent many months there, it’s not going to disappear overnight. But here’s to never having to live the past year again.