That’s my refrain right now. Well, to be honest, my refrain is “what if everything goes wrong??” but every time that goes through my head, I try to counter it.
I mean, right now, it is very possible that in three months we’ll have all sorts of good things going on, things we’ve been hoping and dreaming and working for these past two, five, seven years. I’ve been getting requests from agents for the first time in my writing career, Lady has the chance to do amazing research in France, and we’re just starting TTC again after months of drugs and diet changes and procedures. It is a very real possibility that all three of these things could culminate into something beautiful.
It is also a possibility that they won’t.
Guess which possibility my brain would rather turn over and over and over.
In reality, it will be a mixture of the three, which is still amazing. But it’s hard to look at all these amazing potentialities and not get a little scared. Hard not to think: I don’t deserve this or wonder what horrible thing will happen to balance out the universe’s scales. I’m not to the point where I’m afraid to drive or go out alone, but it’s hard not to shake the feeling that I must pay in blood, now or eventually.
Does anyone else have that kind of reaction to good things in their life? I know it’s irrational, but it’s hard to shake.
I’m trying to remind myself that the universe is chaotic, not cruel. It’s also not a zero-sum game. Good things can happen. And bad things also happen. But they are not quid pro quo. It’s just life.
One way or another, I’m sure it’ll be fine. In the meantime, I’m trying to imagine what it would be like if everything went right for once, instead of wrong. Because that would be amazing.