I’m not good at navigating life without a plan, but sometimes life just isn’t plannable. So, I cope by letting each new possibility hit me, erasing all of my previous plans, and fervently planning anew. Considering I’m in a very possibility-rich place right now, that’s meant a lot of recent excitement and shaking up of how I envisioned the next two, three, six, eight months.
Since I decided to quit my job, I have been inundated with possibilities. Most of them are just passing fancies as I peruse Craigslist and apply for jobs, but some are more serious. I’ve also been brainstorming the possibilities I can create for myself. Where do I see myself in a year? Who do I want to become? Until I’m published, my dayjob will continue to define me – and right now, I have the luxury of being more choosy than ever about that dayjob.
For once, that question What would you do if money weren’t an issue? is actually pertinent. I mean, obviously I can’t go gallivanting around the world or just volunteer for the rest of my life – I still need to make money. But now I’m no longer the primary breadwinner and we get our insurance through Dr Lady. That means a lot, and I am so grateful.
But it is so so hard to get into that mindset, to realize I can be choosy. My therapist was the one who actually pointed out that I needed to calm my tits and give myself permission to be unemployed for more than a few weeks. I needed to be selective and not just take the first opportunity that sidles my way.
It wasn’t until I put in my two weeks that I fully realized what she meant. Before that, I had been eying and applying for anything that I was qualified for. After, I started looking at everything more critically and wondering if it was even worth my time. I also started to seriously consider getting certified with certain things, since now I finally have the time. Because of that, I only applied to one job in the past week, but it’s one I am very excited for and even half-convinced I could get. I started to plan my new life around this job (that I had only applied to hours before, btw).
Now, a few days later, everything is upturned again. Dr Lady heard back from a professor and it appears she has a very serious offer to come and work in his lab this fall. This lab being her absolute top choice because of the research it does and the scientists there, doing said research. Suddenly, working at this lab went from a 20% chance with a November grant application and a possible March start, to a 90% chance with no grant application and an October start. Eight months down to two and a half.
Oh, and the lab is in southern France.
Both of us are still a little in shock. It’s funny that even knowing this is probably the Real Deal, it’s hard to wrap our heads around it as a possible new reality. I’m still looking for jobs and I’m still waiting for a call back for that recent application. I’m still weighing the pros and cons of hitting up our community college this fall. But at the same time, I’m calculating long-term storage costs and googling expat blogs.
I’m still wide-open to any and all possibilities, even as it seems this might be our path. But I’m also afraid and hesitant, because so very much has already changed in the last few weeks, and because the last year has taught us both that absolutely nothing should be taken for granted. I say it’s a 90% certainty, but I am still acting like it’s 20%.
So here’s to finding out more, keeping our options wide open a little longer, all while allowing ourselves to dream wildly.