We made it. That was a looong hiatus. This will be our next TTC cycle short of, well, the usual emergencies. I can’t even remember what number we left off on, since there were so many failed attempts and maybe attempts mixed in with the “successful” ones.
For that reason, I decided to switch over to using the alphabet to differentiate each attempt. It also helps it to feel like a clean break, which is how my therapist keeps trying to get me to view this. So much is different this time around. This ain’t the same circus, and I ain’t the same
pony lion. I’ve changed a lot in the last year – learned a lot, grew a lot, lost a lot – but most of all, I’ve no fucks left to give for this process.
I still want a kid, I still want to get pregnant and see what kind of terrible beast my wife and I could create, but it is no longer a need. If it doesn’t happen, I think I’ll actually be okay. Can’t say I didn’t try, after all.
I’m entering this TTC cycle with a fresh perspective and a newly honed desire to not try too hard. I am done waiting and postponing my life for this one thing, planning my life around this shimmer of a possibility. Last year I was fretting about timing with the trip to Switzerland, about timing with Christmas, about timing with work and so many other things that never became a problem.
Now, it’s crossed my mind that this isn’t the best time to quit my full-time, benefits-tastic job, but I don’t really care. Maybe trying now means we’ll be juggling a baby and moving cross-country. Maybe it means I’ll be nine months and trying to pack up the apartment. Maybe it means that if I don’t find a job in my three month window, I’ll be showing once I start applying for retail. Maybe it means a lot of unforeseen complications, all of which would have bugged me once, or I would have tried to mitigate. Now – I don’t care.
I mean, I bet I will once we get to any of those points, but this past year has taught me that all my planning and worrying will do absolutely nothing. I can’t exactly stop planning or worrying, but I can at least plan on the future I know for relatively certain instead of the one that changes with each cycle.
With this new attitude, I’m also done with OPK sticks and trying to gauge the best insem time possible. I now know that the sticks never really worked for me because of PCOS, so that was a needless stress. This cycle, since metformin has given me two blessedly normal 29-day cycles, I am going to pretend I’m normal and plan to insem on specific CD days instead. Last two, I ov’ed on CD15, so we’ll try CD10, 12, & 14 this round. I’m really hoping that by not spending every minute of the day worrying about timing, I can make this a little easier on myself – on ourselves.
Of course, with my luck, this will be the cycle that decides to be unique, but there’s not much we can do about that.
Here’s to cycle A and never getting to cycle Z.