Back To Reality

We got in at 9:30pm Monday night and I went back to work yesterday, albeit for a half day. Good call on my part. I couldn’t have done a whole day – jetlag hit me around 2pm and I was out for the rest of the day. Today I’m back for a whole day and we’ll see how that goes.

Monday, our big travel day, was a thirty-three hour day and it gave me a lot of time to think. I’d been feeling increasingly depressed the closer we got to the end of our trip, and not just because vacation would be over. I’m unhappy with a lot of areas in my life right now and the recent family announcement hasn’t helped. Plus, we missed TTC this cycle by a mere two days. Two days. Of course now my body would decide to be more regular.

It’s okay, though. More waiting, but at least now we have time to reacclimatize and take care of ourselves and get our ducks in line and mentally reengage with our lives before we try again. I’m hoping July will see me in a better headspace.

Well, not just hoping. Hope never gets you anything. All those hours of thinking helped me realize that there is something fundamentally wrong and I need to keep trying to correct it. For one thing, I haven’t been writing, and every. single. time. that happens, I get depressed. So I need to get back into writing. Thankfully, Camp NaNoWriMo is next month and I’m going to start a new story.

I also need to learn and play more. Using and speaking the French that I had been working on for the past six months was really validating, and it made me want to try learning new skills in other areas of my life. I haven’t decided exactly what yet, but I have this ukulele I need to play and I’ve been itching to get back into drawing. More creative outlets are definitely on my horizon, as well as more skills. So for July (and maybe August), I’m giving myself permission to play around and mess up and find something new to focus on and improve.

The key is to keep it fun, so I’m not going to assign a certain amount of minutes a day or hours a week, but I am going to make room for these things. There’s a neat mental trick that worked for me when I was having trouble getting back into writing a while ago, and that was to set a timer for five minutes and just do that thing until the timer went off. No other obligation. Then if I wanted to quit after five minutes, I could. But almost always, I wanted to keep going.

I also decided to buckle down further on my writing. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I received a revise & resubmit from one of the agents I queried and I’ve been mentally chewing on it for, well, the entire trip. She mentioned specifically that my writing was overburdened, and I’ve been reading into that waaay too much. I can kind of see what she means, but now I also feel less than adequate in the writing department. I’ve wallowed in that inadequacy long enough, and it’s time to actually do something about it. Yes, edit that novel and resubmit, but I need to push myself to learn and grow and improve. I need to read and do so attentively. I can improve and I will improve.

So. Phew. That’s a lot. And that’s still not everything going on, but it’s all I can think about right now. The things I can change. The positive.

July will be all about action. I refuse to just wait and keep letting life happen to me. I want to happen to life.


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Filed under depression, goals

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