As trite sayings go, that one is pretty high up there on the wtf index. I like my metaphors to actually have a basis in reality, and to me, when you close a door – well, that door is closed. There is no guarantee that another door – or even window – is going to open unless you’re going through a set of double automatic doors.
Yet that saying keeps coming to mind right now because one door was firmly closed for me this week. I did not get the promotion I’d been gunning for for nigh on six months now and, although it went to someone I feel deserved it, the whole event was still another punch to the stomach. It doesn’t help that the entire process was convoluted and counterintuitive. That happened. I can’t change it. At least it’s over.
After the initial disappointment (and anger [and grief]), I realized that the potential for a promotion had been blinding me to my ongoing dissatisfaction with my job to begin with. Sure, it would have led to more money and more complex work, but it wouldn’t have fixed the underlying issues. I am not happy here and I haven’t been for a while, although it’s been better than it was. For a few months there – before TTC was even thought of – I would start crying the moment I stepped into the elevator.
My recent performance review didn’t help at all, either, when they dinged me for using “too much” sick time in the past year. Considering there were quite a few days I came into work sick when I shouldn’t have been here to avoid that conversation, I was a little miffed. What kind of employer gives their employees sick time, then chides them for using it? The kind I don’t want to work for. That coupled with a slew of other, relatively minor, grievances have made me more than happy to have an end date more or less set in stone come next winter.
But maybe that’s not soon enough. I still need to sit down and really weigh the options – because honestly, health insurance is a biggie right now – but what with Lady graduating soon and other things, it might actually be feasible for me to quit and look for something else. Barring that, I wonder how a discussion about cutting my hours would go. Too bad HR is so damn rigid that probably will lead to nowhere.
I’ve been looking at job postings online and remembering how much I hate working in an office. Ideally, I’d have work that was outside and moving around sometimes, flexible, and gave me an overall feeling like I’m contributing to the world – instead of moving paper around. I don’t really know where to begin looking for something like that – or what that would ultimately look like, but I’ve stumbled across several non-profit job search sites and begun browsing them with increasing interest. It looks like I’d have to volunteer first to get the right skills, but I could do that and something else on the side for the few months we have left before we relocate…
Even though this punch still stings, I appreciate that it’s forcing me to look up and around for other opportunities. I think, ultimately, I won’t be quitting as soon as tomorrow, but knowing that I have nothing left to lose – so to speak (except health insurance *shakes tiny fist*) – has me asking myself a lot of uncomfortable by important questions. Honestly, I won’t be the breadwinner pretty soon anyway, so it’s about time to start looking.
After all, that door ain’t gonna open itself.