I have a lot of feelings tied up in this. When I started reading and joining in on the TTC blog world over a year ago, I thought we would never reach this point. I had no reason to think it would take more than a year, no “real” reason to suspect there might be something more to worry about than where the sperm was coming from. Although we flirted with the idea of going to a doctor right at the get-go for legal reasons, we figured we might as well try at-home for monetary reasons. I mean, we were in the very lucky position of that actually being a possibility for us, so why not take advantage of that?
A year later and with nothing to show for it – aside from a shit ton of OPK sticks – and Lady wonders if we shouldn’t have gone for the doctor earlier. I… don’t. Even with an irregular cycle, I had every reason to believe we could do this on our own. Looking back, there is no time I can point at and go there, that’s when we should have gone to an RE. There were still things to try and time to mess around and I needed to prove that I had tried everything.
I made the decision to go to the RE way back in January and I definitely needed the intervening time to really process that. I cried then, and I cried in February, but now… now it’s wanted. It’s time.
I know that even doing everything you can possibly do doesn’t guarantee anything, but it’s still hard. There’s still an aspect of what have we done wrong that niggles and wiggles in the back of my brain, even if it’s illogical. You can take all the precautions and stay on the sidewalk and look both ways and still get hit by a car, after all. There is no fault, no blame – only life.
Technically, there’s still a chance we’re in for this cycle, but that chance is minuscule. My temp is still all over the place and I have no idea if I ov’ed or not, but if this pattern continues through the weekend then I’m calling it. Only if I get some kind of obvious signal from my body before Monday will we try anything else this cycle.
This is also the last I’m going to write about this cycle and TTC until we go to the RE. I need a mental break from all this.
Back to editing.