My mother has a story she likes to tell about me from when I was a kid. I had such a need to know what was going on and what was planned that I would start asking about the family’s plans for the weekend on Monday. She thought this was peculiar and hilarious. And yet, here I am, years on, and I still like to have my life planned days and weeks and months out.

That’s not to say I’m absolutely rigid. I’m up for changes and frequently shift things around as needed – just look at how my writing deadlines slide about. But I need to know generally what’s going to happen and I need the ability to pretend I know what’s going to happen, to plan – not knowing at all, not being able to plan is incredibly hard for me. I simply cannot just go with the flow, not without a lot of stress – which is kind of antithetical to the whole idea of going with the flow.

I don’t do well when I can’t plan. I don’t do well when I feel like I don’t have control. I think that is a large part of why I keep getting more and more depressed. And I really don’t know how to change it. I have three large things in my life that are mostly out of my control and have no discernible end in sight: TTC, getting published, and when the hell we’re moving out of this state.

Thankfully, the third one should be resolved in the coming months. And also thankfully, the first looks like it will at least become slightly more manageable. Weirdly, I am looking forward to going to the RE for TTC because maybe with some drugs we can transform this daily (hourly) Not Knowing into Having At Least Some Sort of Plan. In the past year, I’ve read about ladies scheduling IUI’s and taking trigger shots and having an Exact Idea of when they will ovulate and keep thinking: yes please oh god. I’m done with the Not Knowing every minute of every day. My cycles are Irregular with a capital I and nothing I’ve done in the past year has changed that at all.

So even though I am mourning our lost opportunities, especially in regards to this last cycle (yes it’s not over yet but with everything this past week I am 90% sure it’s a bust), I am trying to look at the positive. I will have some semblance of control again. There’s still no end in sight, but at least the days and weeks might have a little less guesswork and confusion. Maybe we’ll even find out what’s wrong with me. Considering the state of lady-science, though, I highly doubt that.

Thankfully, I have some strengths to counterbalance my need for control, and one of them is that I am stubborn as fuck. I’m tired, depressed, and down for the count, but by god I am not giving up.

To continue with my list of tiny victories from the other day (because it was surprisingly helpful):

– I PR’ed my deadlift at 235# today. I guess weight training is actually paying off. I’m so close to my official badass goal of 250#. Maybe I can get that in the next few months?

– I went to work every day this week and have been absolutely beyond civil to my coworkers.

– I did not need 3 cups of coffee this morning.

– I wiped down the kitchen counters again this morning. That’s like, two days this week guys.

– I’m at page 45 of 204 in my edits. Almost a 1/4 of the way there!

– Our friend is here from out of state and we’re going to see her tonight (not really a victory, but a happy thing).

– My wallpaper at work is full of snakes. Because snakes are cute.



Filed under happy things, TTC

4 responses to “Control

  1. Those are some great accomplishments. I really think the dr will be able to help, my doc only ran an AMA on me on our first visit, and boom- that found something that is likely an issue (although now maybe not, I’m still not knocked up).

  2. it’s all about the little victories!

  3. You had me until snakes. 🙂

  4. I love the accomplishments list. Especially being civil to coworkers. That cracked me up.

    I loathe uncertainty. Even when the multiple possible outcomes are all good, I just can’t stand not knowing which one it will be. One of my best strategies is distraction. For example, because we don’t know when we will be able to try again, I got back on the crossfit bandwagon. At least I have something else to focus on for awhile.

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you this cycle. And if not this one, that you get some answers from the RE!

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