Christmas was good. We spent it away from home with a portion of my family in Illinois and I got to see cousins I hadn’t seen in years and second cousins I’d never met. Sometimes I really don’t like living so far away from everyone, but on the other hand it makes those reunions so much more special.
Overall it was fun and calm – aside from worrying about grandma, who was still recovering from having fallen on her face. But there were little moments here and there where I sincerely wished I had never told my mother we were trying. As I mentioned posts ago, I first told her because, as lesbians, us having kids might just never have been on her radar and I wanted her to be forewarned. I didn’t even think about telling her not to share because I a) assumed she would keep it to herself and b) didn’t really care at the time.
Now, of course, after a handful of comments that sounded like “what’s taking so long??” and the inability to hide my heartbreak behind other, more innocuous reasons, I wish she’d kept it to herself. At least it wasn’t as hard as I’d envisioned way back in August when we started our break. And I’m so glad I’ve been able to gain some distance and perspective from this seemingly random and confusing process. I also got to enjoy a lot of time with my tiny second cousins and was reassured that I’m well past my terrified-of-children phase and into my can-actually-handle-them-quite-well phase.
Technically January 1st is our go again date, but as anyone in the TTC world knows, it all depends on ovulation. And, as appears to be becoming the theme of our whole attempt, I have absolutely no idea when that will be. Not for want of temping etc!
I had sincerely hoped (and prayed [and begged]) that the weird long 50 day cycle we ended on had been a fluke, only to follow that up with a 56 day cycle, and finally, recently, a 27 day anovulatory cycle. You should see my monthlyinfo chart. Over Christmas I thought we were going to get a 22 day anovulatory cycle (thanks Santa) because I started spotting hardcore. But it never broke into a real period, so now I’m left wondering if this is CD26 or CD7. Great.
I’m annoyed by all this, but not nearly as stressed as I used to be. At this point, I’ve pretty much learned what will be will be, no matter what I think or do or hope. I’ve also learned that I need to tweak my New Year’s goals/desired feelings so that this year doesn’t end up failing for all the wrong reasons.
See, last year one of my goals was fertility. Unfortunately, that’s not something I have much direct and absolute control over. There are certainly things I can do to affect it, but when it comes down to the wire, the outcome doesn’t always reflect the effort put in. So this year, I’m focusing on all around health instead, supporting and loving my body no matter what it does to/for me. I am an absolute control freak, so this practice of relinquishing control is a wee bit intimidating. But I hope this way I’m not left at the end of the year feeling like a failure like I do now.