It’s on both of our minds now. Less than fourty days till we start trying again. It’s kind of silly how this whole process consumes you, even on a break. I thought we’d break and that would be it, it’d be out of our thoughts. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
Lady saw a pregnant woman a few days ago and felt her first flash of jealousy. When she confided in me about it, all I could feel was relief. And amusement. The break has been good in that I have calmed down a lot and mostly don’t think about all things baby-related, but it’s also been good to have Lady catch up to me in terms of how much we want this. I am so past the initial “is this a good idea?” phase it’s not even funny. A year ago I remember I was still reading up on how it all worked. On the long car ride to CA I remember regaling Lady with random interesting tidbits about fertility and cycles. I was both giddy and terrified at the prospect. Now I’m just… patient/impatient.
I’m both looking forward to and worried about January. I want to start again, because doing nothing is always excruciating, but I know that the waiting will be even worse. Occasionally I flash through hopes like they’re going out of style – maybe it’ll work the first time (err, 5th?), maybe it’ll work the second time, maybe everything will go smoothly, maybe my body will stop being so confusing, maybe my cycle will be regular, maybe things will be predictable, maybe maybe maybe –
I think it’s telling that this time around, all I’m willing to truly and fervently hope for is a predictable cycle. If I can avoid the stress of the 18 day or 50+ cycles, that would be stellar. But I know I can’t even depend on that, so I’m just going to ask the universe politely and do everything I can on my end, like more carbs and less fasting, more sleep and less stress.
In conclusion, it’s a weird sort of restless anticipation I find myself in. I want it to be January, and yet I know the time will go by if I blink. I want to be trying again, but I know the actual process is a rollercoaster of crazy emotions that will leave me frazzled. I want to dream big and broadly, but I remember how disappointed I was last time when things didn’t happen as I’d dreamed. But I’m ready to try again.