Can’t Turn it Off (TTC)

One of the side effects of TTC that they never mention is that even on a break, you’re still hyper aware of every little thing. Thankfully, every little thing doesn’t stress me out like it did prior to the break, but they’re hella more stressful than they were prior to TTC.

Take, for example, my apparently currently irregular cycles. Prior to TTC, I was happy to just be having them more than twice a year again. After starting TTC, on the other hand, I’m highly attuned to the fact that they range anywhere from 28-50 days, and I have no idea why. According to the gyno, my hormones are normal. According to the nasty voices in my head, however, it probably means I’m infertile and/or already pregnant with vampire twins.

I’ve even been temping, although not nearly as religiously, and supposedly just to have an idea of when to keep pads nearby. But really to make sure everything is normal. So seeing that things are not normal has me worried. I’m sure it has something to do with the diet changes I’ve been making and not because I have, say, PCOS, but it’s still difficult to turn off that part of my brain. I even briefly considered using an OPK, because why the hell not.

My last cycle – the one I threw up my hands on and went fuck this – was 50 days. This one is at CD33 with no temp raise/end in sight. I’m sure it’s fine. I’m sure it’ll be fine. But then that nasty voice starts to chime in with its opinions and it’s hard to make it shut up.

That said, I’m not thinking about TTC and cycle stuff nearly as much now that we’re well over two months into our break (just two to go!). But I wish I could turn it off completely. So far TTC is a bit too much like Pandora’s box for my tastes – once it’s free, there ain’t no way it’s going back in the box.



Filed under TTC

7 responses to “Can’t Turn it Off (TTC)

  1. I hope you’ll forgive me if this is too personal a question — or if you’ve already answered and I missed it — and please feel free not to answer — but: must it be you and not your wife to get pregnant? One might observe that you guys are lucky enough to have two potential wombs available…

    (And this might be a good time to mention that I was very reluctant to get pregnant and unhappy about being pregnant and I wouldn’t choose to do it again BUT I love my daughter with all my heart and am so glad I went through with it.)

    • No, that’s a good question. For now it’ll be me because my wife was initially very much NO, but that attitude has been changing over the past year. We also selected our current donor based on her characteristics, and there are other complicating factors with switching to her right now, but it’s a future contingency plan. Part of the problem, even in the future, is that my work – that I have to show up to and has HR and all that – is a day job for me, while her work is a career, so it’s just a lot easier for me to take the time off and/or quit than it would be for her.

  2. I was the same way during my break, one month I was like “hey that looks like it could be triphasic” but then I remembered there was no way I could be pregnant.

  3. I was the same during my break as well. Do you have PCOS? If so you should be seeing an RE instead of an OB as they can provide you much better care and help with your irregular cycles. Without clomid and progesterone my cycles are very irregular also, yet I do not have PCOS or any other “cause” besides irregular ovulation/anovulation.

    • As far as I know, I don’t have PCOS. Aside from the highly irregular cycles, I don’t have any other symptoms. And they’ve never detected anything on regular visits, although I don’t know if they have to do a special test or not. :/ I suspect it has more to do with have an annual cycle for 10 years than PCOS, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying.

      • You cannot detect PCOS without ultrasound and proper blood treats. Are you being monitored via u/s? With all you guys have to endure each time you wish to try to TTC, I would stress to you seeing an RE to narrow down the cause of irregularity cause had I not I would have never known how to treat it.

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