One of the side effects of TTC that they never mention is that even on a break, you’re still hyper aware of every little thing. Thankfully, every little thing doesn’t stress me out like it did prior to the break, but they’re hella more stressful than they were prior to TTC.
Take, for example, my apparently currently irregular cycles. Prior to TTC, I was happy to just be having them more than twice a year again. After starting TTC, on the other hand, I’m highly attuned to the fact that they range anywhere from 28-50 days, and I have no idea why. According to the gyno, my hormones are normal. According to the nasty voices in my head, however, it probably means I’m infertile and/or already pregnant with vampire twins.
I’ve even been temping, although not nearly as religiously, and supposedly just to have an idea of when to keep pads nearby. But really to make sure everything is normal. So seeing that things are not normal has me worried. I’m sure it has something to do with the diet changes I’ve been making and not because I have, say, PCOS, but it’s still difficult to turn off that part of my brain. I even briefly considered using an OPK, because why the hell not.
My last cycle – the one I threw up my hands on and went fuck this – was 50 days. This one is at CD33 with no temp raise/end in sight. I’m sure it’s fine. I’m sure it’ll be fine. But then that nasty voice starts to chime in with its opinions and it’s hard to make it shut up.
That said, I’m not thinking about TTC and cycle stuff nearly as much now that we’re well over two months into our break (just two to go!). But I wish I could turn it off completely. So far TTC is a bit too much like Pandora’s box for my tastes – once it’s free, there ain’t no way it’s going back in the box.