Spoilers: The results so far are still inconclusive.
For the second week, I doubled my dose of chocolate, going from two pieces of dark chocolate in one day to four pieces over two days. And I noticed… well, not very much. What little I did notice could have easily been attributed to other factors. I was in class for work all week, which completely threw off my routine while giving me plenty of time to be bored out of my skull. Because class was held on the other side of town, I neither biked like usual nor went to the gym, so I ended up getting far less exercise.
So I was, reasonably, lethargic and grumpy last week. But nothing out of the ordinary considering the circumstances. I also went down to two meals a day, which I’m sure didn’t help with the moodiness, and I started a new cycle.
Basically, waaay too many variables. But, strangely, with all that going on, I would have expected a more pronounced moodiness, even without chocolate, than what I ended up with. I was a mostly reasonable, if a bit tired, human being all last week. Quite contrary to my hypothesis!
This week, however…
Well, for one, I fucked it up. I got the dark chocolate and I had a piece on Friday, and a piece on Saturday. Then I snarfed down several handfuls of chocolate chips that were intended for pumpkin cookies. I have no excuse except for poor planning on my part – little to no food in the house and me without a meal for waaay too long, plus my willpower had been all used up during the previous week, and I was making allowances for the weekend. In short, a recipe for chocolate chip snarfing.
Monday morning was awful. I didn’t cry, but that bleak despair returned and I couldn’t get past it all morning. By the evening, it was better, but Tuesday morning was pretty bleak too. Today I’m feeling much better, much more normal. I also didn’t snarf chocolate chips last night. Correlation? Sure. Causation? Not so fast…
The poor eating over the weekend could have done it – I had gluten-tastic burgers and a beer. The lack of exercise the week before could have too. Hormones is always a good guess.
Basically, I fucked up enough that this week is a wash, experiment-wise. I’m not going to call it either way, but I am going to clean up my act and try again next week. I’m back at work and my usual schedule, so it’ll be a lot easier to keep the variables relatively low.
I’m also fudging around with my diet. I realized when I was depressed on Monday that the two meal a day thing was becoming a problem. It’s not that I can’t do it – it’s that I start pushing back mealtimes to prove how well I can do it, and then start thinking about trying to eat even less, and – well, that’s not a safe space for me to be in. I think the Whole30 and the AIP worked so well for me because they don’t restrict when and how much I can eat, only what, so I don’t have flashbacks to freshman year of high school and eating only rice cakes and diet soda and counting calories and believing deeply that less is better. If 1200 calories was enough to lose weight, then 1000 was even better! 800 most best!
I still believe in the heart of the WP+, though, but I’m going to tweak it some more to avoid spiraling down that path. Eating more fat and less protein has been the most important change for me, and the best financially, so I’m sticking to that. But I’m going to start eating breakfast again, instead of pushing my first meal back to 10, sometimes 11am. To avoid adding too many calories, I’ll just make my first meal a little larger, then split it in two. I was having a difficult time eating everything I needed in just two sittings, anyway.
This means less emphasis on IF and WP+ and more of an emphasis on a high-fat paleo diet, which helps me incorporate my ethics without pressing my neuroses buttons. We’ll see how this goes. I may have to ditch the notion of losing weight all together if I can’t keep my head about this. 🙂