I’m calling it.
My wife and I had a much needed chat on our long walk this morning. We discussed timing and plans and the future while watching the sun rise over the Catalinas. I finally said that it was really okay if we stayed in the desert another four to six months after she graduated so she could finish up her projects. I realized I had only been resisting because of potential baby, but since that is now out of the equation, I’m perfectly fine with it. I’ll have to work a few months longer at this job, but it will mean that much more in our savings account.
So I have five OPK sticks left but I’m putting them away until January. That gives us more than four months off, to relax, chill, hike, eat poorly, diet, etc etc etc. Actually, I have a lot of plans for those four months, plus this makes other things possible. In the end, there are probably more good things that will come from not being pregnant right now and in the immediate future than bad.
It really helps that this depression funk has finally lifted. I can see everything so much clearly without that fog. I have an inkling of what caused the depression and will be using these months off to tinker and test. Basically, I think it’s the chocolate. I didn’t think I’d been having that much this past month, but when I subjectively looked back and counted, it was more than I’d realized. A cookie here, chocolate ice cream there, a chocolate-glazed cake here, and spoonful of hot cocoa mix there and there and there.
I cut out the chocolate on Thursday and by Saturday was starting to feel better. By Sunday the lump in my chest was almost gone. By Monday I was functioning again. This, after four weeks of depression straight. And yet, I am still not wholly convinced. I don’t want to believe it was chocolate because, seriously, what the fuck?
So during our break, I’m going to test my theory very very thoroughly. After my birthday, I’ll begin noting my mood and irritability level three times a day for a week. The following week, I’ll have a certain, measured amount of chocolate and continue taking notes. I’ll take a week to renormalize, then introduce a different amount of chocolate. This way I will have proof – one way or the other – of chocolate’s effect on me.
Other things I plan to do while not TTC: lose some weight. I’ve gained ten pounds since January and that’s not cool. I also would like to try out the Wahl’s Protocol Plus, which is an intense ketogenic diet that I’ve been watching a fellow blogger have massive success with, while cutting down her grocery bills. I wanted to try it back in May, but didn’t want to risk the hormonal upset that comes from a big dietary change. But now I can!
And best of fucking all: this means I can go to Switzerland in June!! I won’t have just popped out a baby and I also won’t be more than six months preggers, which were both the primary reasons why we weren’t certain yet. I am super excite. I can’t even. I love Europe so much and I know I am so, so lucky and privileged to have visited as many times as I have and oh god, Switzerland and the cheese and the mountains and the food, can we just spend three days discussing the food?
So don’t be sad for me because nothing worked for us this cycle (of cycles); be happy because FUCKING SWITZERLAND!!