Break Time


I’m calling it.

My wife and I had a much needed chat on our long walk this morning. We discussed timing and plans and the future while watching the sun rise over the Catalinas. I finally said that it was really okay if we stayed in the desert another four to six months after she graduated so she could finish up her projects. I realized I had only been resisting because of potential baby, but since that is now out of the equation, I’m perfectly fine with it. I’ll have to work a few months longer at this job, but it will mean that much more in our savings account.

So I have five OPK sticks left but I’m putting them away until January. That gives us more than four months off, to relax, chill, hike, eat poorly, diet, etc etc etc. Actually, I have a lot of plans for those four months, plus this makes other things possible. In the end, there are probably more good things that will come from not being pregnant right now and in the immediate future than bad.

It really helps that this depression funk has finally lifted. I can see everything so much clearly without that fog. I have an inkling of what caused the depression and will be using these months off to tinker and test. Basically, I think it’s the chocolate. I didn’t think I’d been having that much this past month, but when I subjectively looked back and counted, it was more than I’d realized. A cookie here, chocolate ice cream there, a chocolate-glazed cake here, and spoonful of hot cocoa mix there and there and there.

I cut out the chocolate on Thursday and by Saturday was starting to feel better. By Sunday the lump in my chest was almost gone. By Monday I was functioning again. This, after four weeks of depression straight. And yet, I am still not wholly convinced. I don’t want to believe it was chocolate because, seriously, what the fuck?

So during our break, I’m going to test my theory very very thoroughly. After my birthday, I’ll begin noting my mood and irritability level three times a day for a week. The following week, I’ll have a certain, measured amount of chocolate and continue taking notes. I’ll take a week to renormalize, then introduce a different amount of chocolate. This way I will have proof – one way or the other – of chocolate’s effect on me.

Other things I plan to do while not TTC: lose some weight. I’ve gained ten pounds since January and that’s not cool. I also would like to try out the Wahl’s Protocol Plus, which is an intense ketogenic diet that I’ve been watching a fellow blogger have massive success with, while cutting down her grocery bills. I wanted to try it back in May, but didn’t want to risk the hormonal upset that comes from a big dietary change. But now I can!

And best of fucking all: this means I can go to Switzerland in June!! I won’t have just popped out a baby and I also won’t be more than six months preggers, which were both the primary reasons why we weren’t certain yet. I am super excite. I can’t even. I love Europe so much and I know I am so, so lucky and privileged to have visited as many times as I have and oh god, Switzerland and the cheese and the mountains and the food, can we just spend three days discussing the food?

So don’t be sad for me because nothing worked for us this cycle (of cycles); be happy because FUCKING SWITZERLAND!!



Filed under ardent wishes, depression, gaybies, goals, n steps, progress, TTC, weight gain

10 responses to “Break Time

  1. Cacao can have those kinds of effects. If it was milk chocolate, there’s other ingredients to consider but cacao itself can do that. I find pure raw cacao powder causes major rage and moodiness for me, I do better with moderate amounts of a cacao bar (which has been heated for melting).

    • Yeah, I’ve noticed I have waay less of a reaction with the shitty cheap milk chocolate, like Hershey’s, than the really good, 85% stuff. This will be part of my test, to see just how much real chocolate I can tolerate. I suspect it’s not much. :/

  2. I just wanted to let you know how much I’ve appreciated your honesty in documenting your process. I don’t always comment, but I always read your posts & I’ve learned a lot from them. I have friends who have been/are struggling with getting pregnant in their 40’s & your blog has helped me understand some of what they are going through. In some ways, my experience has been the opposite (onsite, freely available access sperm & a superabundance of children) but in other ways it has been similar because it has also been so consistently heart-rending: cycle after cycle, hoping I wasn’t pregnant (before I got fixed) along with the constant pain of worrying about my kids. Through reading your posts I’ve learned more about the commonality of our experience of fertility as women. I applaud you & your wife for deciding to take this short break from the intensity of those experiences to focus on other things. I also look forward to your reports on your n+1 chocolate experiments!

    • I’m terrible at commenting, too, even though I read every one of your posts. ❤
      I'm glad I've been able to help. It's been an eye-opener for me, too. I will be the absolute first one to say that I'm lucky I'm a lesbian and don't have to worry about getting accidentally pregnant, though. Sometimes I just can't imagine how straight couples deal with that on a monthly basis, especially when both birth control and condoms can fail. I’m glad you don’t have to go through that uncertainty anymore.

  3. I am so glad that you are feeling better. Too bad that chocolate is the culprit 😦 I am also glad that you are taking the break and feeling good about it. Having been forced to take various breaks along the way, I know they can be frustrating at first but I was able to really take advantage of them – lose weight, exercise more, etc. And Switzerland! Yay! I am already looking forward to pictures 🙂

    • It’s weird, despite all the evidence I still keep thinking “no, chocolate can’t do that.” I think I need this experiment more to convince myself than anyone else.
      There will be SO MANY photos. That’s like, my favorite part of traveling, which is kinda silly. >> That and the food.

  4. Give me chocolate or give me death. Ok, not really. But ouch… Chocolate, huh? I am happy to see you feeling so much better. Yay, Switzerland! Just watch out for that damn Swiss chocolate!

  5. Enjoy your break and your travels!!

  6. I’m glad your world is looking up – your break sounds like a breath of fresh air! It will surely bring about positive energy for when you are ready to try again!

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