TTC #5 | CD 23 & Nope

No temp rise. No $10. Not mine.

To be honest, I’m really not doing well. I’ve been crying a lot at work this last week and it was so bad Friday that I went home early. I feel like I have a heavy weight on my chest at all times.

I thought I had come to terms with everything not working. Fuck that – I know I did. But I still can’t shake this lingering depression. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I don’t want to do anything. It’s a struggle to care for myself like I usually do. I feel like I’m leaning way too much on Lady.

I know depression affects fertility. I know this stress and sadness is probably what’s causing me not to ovulate. I’ve accepted that. We’re going to call it quits if I don’t ovulate by Wednesday and when I think about that, all I feel is peace.

Yet this weight refuses to go away.

I have cut out all chocolate as of yesterday. I am enforcing daily runs from here on out. I have a bag of brazil nuts (see: selenium) and grabbed a tin of oysters (see: zinc). I am forcing myself to keep to my daily routine, although most nights still turn into me going to bed super early. I am so tired.

All I can do is hang on and let go. At least I’m lucky to know I’ve been through worst bouts and that eventually it will lift.



Filed under depression, gaybies, TTC

3 responses to “TTC #5 | CD 23 & Nope

  1. oc15

    i’m sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. god knows i have been there so so many times as well. “all i can do is hang on and let go”, how true. thinking of you and hoping you start to feel better soon.

  2. The daily exercise is typically one of the main ways I get myself out of troughs too. After 4 failed IUIs and a failed IVF, I had hit emotional bottom. I cried at the grocery store one day because there were so many pregnant women – just everything was on the surface. It is so difficult to feel like there is no hope – but take breaks when you need them and make sure you take really good care of yourself (and sounds like you are taking those steps.) Know that you aren’t alone and I am sending lots of light and love. ❤

  3. I’m so sorry. As you well know, I can totally relate. All you can do is keep taking care of yourself. Eventually, the rest will sort itself out.

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