TTC #5 | CD 20 & Forced Positivity

Although I’ve been doing better than I was, I’m still in a funk and in danger of tearing up at work over such little things. I started writing a general post about depression yesterday, but it got too heavy and too much and I just couldn’t finish it.

I did finally cave and get 5-HTP, though. I’d been resisting because I’d just been doing so much better and my diet is ship-shape and I’m walking/biking/lifting most days and I’m taking care of myself and I’m writing and I’m seeing friends – basically, hitting every single note I can just short of taking time off from work and/or seeing a therapist. I’m the absolute worst at admitting defeat and taking something again, even something as innocuous as 5-HTP, means admitting defeat (to me [at least]). I have a history of depression and anxiety and I know it runs in my family, yet I still can’t always accept what this means for me.

And – of course – a Dr. Google says that 5-HTP isn’t safe for pregnancy and will probably give you five toes. Whatever. That’s pregnancy. If I get that far, I’ll re-evaluate. And hopefully, all I’ll need is some 5-HTP for a week or so to get back on my feet.

I’m still less than confident about this cycle. The sticks finally started darkening yesterday and my temp dipped waaay low this morning, so we’ll be doing insem today and I would place $10 on a strong temp rise tomorrow morning. But whether it will work? Eh.

Lady is being positive for both of us. As for me, I am already looking at the bright side of this cycle not working. I won’t be nauseous for my birthday! I might actually get to go to Switzerland with her in June! I will get to scarf down gluten-laden cider donuts in the name of science (science!) this fall! I’ll get to hike to my heart’s content this autumn/winter! I can drink all the cider I want come October! I can finally focus on losing some of this extra pudge!

But mostly, I’m ready for a break. This will be our last TTC cycle until January, since Lady’s Swiss trip is in June which effectively rules out a September attempt. I hope it works this time, I want it to work this time, but I think I’ve finally accepted the very likely possibility that it won’t.

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4 Comments

Filed under gaybies, TTC

4 responses to “TTC #5 | CD 20 & Forced Positivity

  1. Sending positive vibes from down here…

  2. There’s a fine line between not getting your hopes up and staying positive and it’s a difficult line to walk. I think this is what makes the tww so very stressful, managing our emotions! I will say you are stronger than I ! I am currently on a break until Dec or Jan and if I had a chance to go to Switzerland I would jump on a plane screw the diet and drink all the cider and gorge all the doughnuts I wanted, but then again I’m an emotional eater, it would be required for a little self medicated comfort 🙂 ! Although I too would tradeit all for a positive HPT. Sending you wishes for a peaceful mind and spirit over the next few weeks!

    • Hah! I’ve actually been pretty lucky in my life and have been to Switzerland before, so mostly I just really want Lady to be able to go and see the place. Her trip is for a science conference and will be all-paid for by her university, which is why my going along is more up in the air (see: $$). That said, if we can make it happen, it’s fucking Switzerland!
      Yeah, if we could just let ourselves go all the way one way or another, I feel like the TWW would be so much easier. It’s such a fine line to walk.

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