TTC #5 | CD 12 & Dealing With Jealousy

Apparently this cycle is all about the negative emotions.

I finally get it, you guys. I’ve seen posts and blogs and comments about pregnancy/baby envy, but I was still firmly in the positive, happy, hopeful portion of TTC, and it was easy to see those ladies, those babies, those posts and share in their joy without that joy being tinged with green. I understood it, but I didn’t understand.

But now? *deep sigh* Now, I cringe when I get an email from family with another photo of my oh-so-pinchable second cousin. Now, I mostly steer clear of Facebook. Now, I notice every. single. pregnant. lady. in the great wide world. And I feel just a little bit sad when I do.

It’s a strange feeling. On the one hand, I am still very happy for them. I’m happy for my cousin, I’m happy for the FB friends, I’m (actually, way way more) happy for all of the fellow now-pregnant bloggers. But opposite that is still this darker feeling that I can’t deny exists, even as I try to shove it down. I didn’t want to voice it aloud here for fear of hurting those who have been lucky/blessed/persevering, but at the same time I want to be as honest as possible.

Baby envy is a thing. It happens. It’s only natural, considering the circumstances. I think it’s better to acknowledge you have it and then do what you can to mitigate its affects. Since I wear my heart on my sleeve, I’m (unfortunately) almost always dealing with all these emotions publicly. Since acknowledging I have it, though, I’ve started taking the time to feel the sadness, the twinge of jealousy, then set it aside and really focus on the joy. And it’s helping. A bit.

As with everything, I also realized that my reaction to these otherwise happy occasions said more about where I was emotionally than anything else. And the reason this envy has reared its head now, in this time, is because I still feel hopeless. My confidence that this will work – eventually! – has been shaken and I’ve been having a hard time building that back up. That shakiness has opened me up to jealousy, and I know – I know – the moment I get that confidence and hope back, the baby envy will dissipate, fading away like a breath on glass.

The problem is, I haven’t been doing a very good job of rekindling that confidence. In truth, I haven’t been trying at all. A twisted part of me thinks that the more hopeless I feel and the more convinced I am this won’t work, the more likely it’ll actually take this time. It’s like reverse jinxing, and no matter how much I tell myself that it doesn’t work that way, I can’t back myself out of the mindset.

I am, frankly, afraid to hope again. I am afraid of letting myself be vulnerable.

So my question to you is: how do you back out of that mire and open up again? How do you find the courage to hope and be vulnerable? Or is it better not to?

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9 Comments

Filed under gaybies, TTC

9 responses to “TTC #5 | CD 12 & Dealing With Jealousy

  1. I have no idea. Taking a break after my second negative cycle has allowed me to go to the magical place of ‘maybe when we try again it’ll work’

  2. I find that hope comes at some point every cycle no matter how down I’ve been feeling. Sometimes it lasts longer than others, but it always makes an appearance. I think all you can do is give yourself the space to feel. I feel it, too. It’s hard. But it’s usually temporary. I can handle it better knowing it will come and go and not be permanent.

    • Just today I started feeling a little bit of it bubbling up, probably because we’re getting pretty close to insem time. I even managed to look at a baby pinterest board without crying! I think I’ve just been surprised by how long it’s taken to bounce back this time. Glad to know it’s not permanent, though.

  3. expectant0129

    No matter what, there’s always hope…even when it seems hopeless. Without hope, what do we have? As cliche-ish as it may sound, hang in there. God is always in our corner…and will always prevail.

  4. I have cried in the grocery store before because it seemed like almost every single woman was pregnant. It is only natural to have those feelings. And talking about those things is expected! Before we got pregnant, I had those same feelings. After every IUI and IVF, the hope left for awhile, but it always slowly bubbled back to the surface. Hang in there.

  5. nkaune

    I think it is ALWAYS good to have hope. Why attempt something if you have no hope or expectation that it will be successful?

    Each month I look back at my temp chart – for just a moment – and consider what may have gone wrong, what day we may have missed and rationalize and reason to myself why it didn’t happen. Then I put it away and move on. There is no way to change what happened last month, you can only take the tools and knowledge you have and move forward. A fresh start. Let last month go and don’t let it weigh you down. Besides, women in their early 30s only have a 15% chance of conceiving each month under perfect conditions – so don’t beat yourself up too much!
    (http://www.socalfertility.com/age-and-fertility/)
    It does take time. But if this is what you want, then the time and effort is absolutely worth it!

    And I totally get the baby envy. In the time that I have been trying to conceive – I’ve watch three babies come into the lives of my friends, planned baby showers, baby sat, baby shopped, baby pinterst boards (!) They are everywhere! And pregnant women too! It’s like when you get a new car, then all you see are other cars of the same model. I wonder some times “why no me?” It is difficult. I think you’re on the right track to acknowledge the feelings rather than try to hide or push them down. That will only create bigger problems later.

    Chin up! Eye on the prize! There are many other women out here who miss that 15% chance for many months too and we’re cheering you on!

  6. I hear you. One of the things that gets to me is watching people who started trying AFTER we did now approaching their due dates. It is hard.

    This is odd, but one of the things I do to remain hopeful is read birth stories. There are boatloads online, and I find it easier to look forward to that and imagine myself there than focusing on a BFP. Counter-intuitive? Yes. I think it just helps me to think of the end goal.

    Hang in there. Your squishy baby will come.

  7. I could have written this exact same entry in mid-2012. If it’s any consolation, all of your feelings are TOTALLY normal and justified.

    The month my pregnancy took I had a sobbing cryfest (one of many I’m pretty sure) that it YET AGAIN hadn’t worked. Then two days later on Christmas Day, I got my positive test.

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