But I won’t.
Now that we’re on our fourth two week wait, I’m finally starting to notice patterns. There’s the excited first few days (0-3), which slowly give way to hopeful days (4-6), then that hope begins to dissipate (7-10), until I’m left with just nerves (11-12) and finally bleak despair (12-15).
The first week is by far the easiest and the most fun. I find myself thinking “I’m pregnant!” on multiple occasions with not insubstantial confidence. I anticipate the end of the two weeks with hopeful excitement and knowing that this time it will work. We did everything right, after all!
By the second week, I’ve thoroughly enumerated all of the things we did wrong and which have most certainly doomed this cycle. The excitement is gone, mostly replaced by a numb melancholy. I’m not depressed, but I just don’t feel it anymore. My language when I talk about testing and getting a positive turns from mostly “when” to “if.” I symptom check, but the absence of any – even knowing that it’s way too early – just makes me lose even more hope.
I mentioned this cycle to my wife and she suggested that it’s my way of blunting the pain if it turns out this attempt didn’t work. Like, I get one week to hope and dream freely and wildly, then I have to start reeling it in to keep from being too disappointed. Since the emotions are so disparate, it can feel like a larger shift than the emotions really entail.
And yet, conversely, I’ve found myself being more careful about taking care of myself as the two weeks drag by. I mentioned before that I was curtailing my caffeine, but for the first time in, well, forever, I actually ordered a decaf something at a coffee shop. I am staunchly opposed to decaf and even during past 2WW’s I’ve simply skipped my morning tea and had the fully caffeinated beverage later anyway. Likewise, there has been ample amounts of alcohol available the last few days, which typically leads to me imbibing a wee bit too much and getting silly, but instead I stuck with one glass or even half a glass and was. Just. Fine.
This whole wait – which we repeat ad nauseam – is both incredibly frustrating and an interesting study in psychology. How we handle the time – impassible and impossible as it can seem – tells us a lot about ourselves. If nothing else, I’ll have learned that I’m hella impatient. 😛