Ongoing Struggles with Weight, Diet and Exercise

I’ve always had a tumultuous relationship with food. Growing up I was the super-lanky, super-active child with sun-bleached hair. Then, seemingly overnight, I ballooned out to an unnatural size. The other kids gave me unfortunate nicknames. I had no friends. The usual. Eventually – through diet or exercise or simply hormones – I lost most of it in high school and was, if not thin, at least of a reasonable weight.

That ballooning, that sudden weight gain – that’s what has colored a lot of my life since then. Partially because I don’t know what caused it, and not knowing makes it hard to pinpoint potential triggers now and to come, which in turn makes me paranoid about everything. I was awfully depressed during that time, but was I simply depressed because I was the fat kid or was I overeating because I was depressed? And then, on the flip side, I’m not sure how I lost weight. My depression ebbed around that time, but I had also become a vegetarian and frequently went on a severely calorie-restricted diet. Plus, I can’t discount the very real hormonal and physical changes that happen at that age.

So I don’t know how it happened or how I got out of it, which has made me terrified of somehow doing it again. Even now, years and years later, when I’m at the healthiest I’ve ever been. I think, maybe if I stop counting calories I’ll slowly start eating more and be back to obese before I know it. I think, maybe if I skip out on crossfit once this week it’ll turn into a weekly think and I’ll lose all of my muscle immediately. I think, if I don’t get back into running I’ll gain weight. I think, if I sit down all day for my job, I’m going to die early.

I started a new job this week, one that is rife with potential and actually something I enjoy doing. It’s my first full-time gainful employment since December. I should be happy, and I am But on my first day I wasn’t thinking about how lucky I was to finally have a job or how awesome income would be. No, I was looking around at all my coworkers, assessing their physical fitness, and becoming increasingly distressed: from that evidence alone, this job would make me unfit and overweight.

Obviously, that conclusion is ridiculous. Superficially, I know this. But subconsciously, that paranoia is still there and it ramped up considerably. I’m suddenly counting my calories again. I’m going for long walks on my breaks and lunch. I’m taking the stairs, all nine flights of them. I also exercise and eat well, which should be enough. It is enough. And yet – and yet it’s not. And it won’t ever be.

How do I combat this feeling? How do I become secure and comfortable in what I know I’m doing right? How do I let go of that fear that all of a sudden, because I’m sitting a few more hours a day and I’m surrounded by people who appear unhealthy (again, they very well may not be), I’m going to go straight back to being fat?

I don’t know. I haven’t seen other people talk about this kind of ongoing fear. It always seems to magically slough away along with the weight. Then it’s all confidence, stars and happiness. Maybe it’s just me, but if there’s anything I’ve learned over the years, it’s that someone else always shares your experience.

A Final Word on Whole30

I’ve wrote a little on why I won’t be doing another iteration of the Whole30 – at least not any time in the immediate future – but I would really like to put together a review, a sort of “final thoughts,” if you will. Especially considering a lot of the searches that have you stumbling over this blog are Whole30-centric.

I started the first Whole30 in August and saw my most dramatic results within the first two weeks. I lost five pounds and could tell by the third week that my body composition was already shifting dramatically. My energy went up, my food cravings went down. I survived a weekend of intense sugary temptations. I could go longer and longer between meals without getting shaky and cantankerous. I was a thorough Whole30 convert before week four even hit.

But although the most visible and the most striking changes occurred in that first iteration, the more important and long-lasting benefits happened when I did it for a second and third time and paid increased attention to my body inbetween. I’ve been struggling with anxiety for five years and although moving to the sunny and vitamin-D abundant desert two years ago helped bring it back down to manageable levels, I was still consistently having attacks. Now I can count on one hand how many attacks I’ve had since August, and those exclusively fell during times I was particularly lax with my diet and stressed out. I was never on medication for it, but I did take 5-HTP on a nightly basis to increase my serotonin production before the Whole30 – and since August, I’ve maybe taken 5-HTP five or six times, again only during those really stressful times.

I could stop there and be completely satisfied with all the results I’ve had – for one, I no longer have to worry about my beloved coffee triggering a panic attack – but it keeps going. The stubborn acne on my chin has cleared, flaring up only once when – again – I was lax with my diet and really stressed. It’s easier to wake up in the morning. I’m down to a size 6 (from a 12) in pants and actually look good in pants. I’m much less likely to require a nap mid-afternoon. I no longer drift through the day in a foggy state. The weird and freaky patches on my skin that had been randomly popping up a year ago have cleared and disappeared. I became even more hyper-conscious of what was in my food than before – and I was pretty conscious to begin with, having been a vegetarian for eleven years (which is a story for another post).

But biggest – bigger than the anxiety, bigger than the weight loss, bigger than the acne – was the way my relationship with food changed. I used to think I ate a lot of vegetables. Hah! Now I eat tons. I have a much better understanding of how eating this or that will affect me the next day and the next week. Wheat makes me bloat. Dairy is fine in moderation. Too much sugar makes me crash in the most fiery and terrible way possible. It also makes me cranky. Meat is delicious, filling, and long-lasting. Soy makes all sorts of bad things happen, most of which are TMI and lady-related. And fat is not the enemy it’s been made out to be in the last few decades.

A lot of it is hard to pinpoint – it’s that split-second decision when ordering out, it’s that extra hour of hiking I can squeeze in, it’s that switch from lattes to americanos, it’s being able to turn down cookies and brownies and cupcakes without feeling denied, it’s eating collard greens for breakfast and enjoying them, it’s looking at the menu of an Italian restaurant and realizing you don’t want any of it. It’s knowing that what you eat, what you put in your body every day, is so very important. And it makes a big difference.

I admit, I originally scoffed at the Whole30 team’s claim that doing it would change your life. I thought they were being hyperbolic. And now, here I am, a convert through and through. It changes your approach to food and that is a big change to your life. I recommend to anyone to try it out, at least once.

After all, it’s only 30 days.

Bruises

Sometimes, in Crossfit, I get discouraged. Sometimes, I see the other girls in my class lifting heavier weights than me, doing the workouts faster than me, completing more reps than me, and I feel inadequate. Sometimes – even worse – when online, I chance upon a board here, a facebook comment thread there and see the times, weights, reps other people are pulling and I lose all faith in myself.

That guy’s deadlifting over 300 pounds – how can I even compare?

That girl has a 250 pound back squat – and she’s been doing this for less time than me!

That girl can run a 5k in 21 minutes and handstand walk and throw down 20 consecutive push-ups – I might as well quit now.

And on and on. I sulk for a while, self-hate, and sometimes even feel so crummy about everything that my workouts suffer. Usually these bouts of self-doubt last for a few weeks.

How do I snap out of it? I wish I had a magical answer, I wish I could say I just come to terms with it, but typically it takes a number of things converging at once; a super good workout, an avoidance of said boards/blogs, and seeing other athletes struggle. Knowing that we’re all in this together, fighting to be better, never satisfied with where we’re at – that helps too.

We should be proud of where we’re at, because it means we’re moving, we’re improving, and we’re struggling. I was so happy the first time I ran a 15min mile, because I ran a mile. Then I got discouraged because I couldn’t push past running three miles -  at least, until I realized a friend was jealous that I could even do a mile. I told her to keep at it, keep struggling, keep accumulating bruises, not to get discouraged. How hard it is to take our own advice.

My fiancee and I joined a strength class at our gym which started last week; the first day we were asked our starting max numbers for the backsquat, benchpress, and deadlift. Although our numbers were piddly compared to others in the class – laughably, so, even – no one laughed. No one made fun of us. We were all there to improve our lifts, after all; they had all been there.

I can’t say I’m not jealous of their numbers. It’s hard not to be when they’re backsquatting more than bodyweight and I’ve only just crossed the 100lb threshold. But I try and focus on improving, on dragging that barbell up my shins in the deadlift, and not on how the girl next to me uses my max for her warm-up. I tuck my head down and put in the effort that will get me to where she is – eventually, some day. Because that’s what it takes, so that at the end of the night I can be proud of those bruises on my legs.

A Blast from the Past

My cousin’s wedding was this past weekend and while it was a delightful smorgasbord of family and catching up (and introducing my terrified fiancee to all of my cousins), it was also a smorgasbord of a different variety.

I was vegetarian for eleven years before coming off it in quite a spectacular and meat-filled way last August. Unfortunately, I have yet to “come out” to my broader family about my change in diet, not because I’m ashamed or think that the paleo lifestyle isn’t the bee’s knees (side note: how does that expression make any sense?), but because I know I will be mercilessly mocked for “finally” “caving in” and smugly told how they knew all along this wasn’t going to last. I do actually still think that the vegetarian diet has a lot of merit -  anything that gets you eating more vegetables and thinking about where your food comes from and what’s in it is so many degrees beyond and above the Standard American Diet – and I don’t regret those eleven years one bit. But I just didn’t want to deal with it when there were all these people I hadn’t seen in years and just wanted to catch up.

Frankly, I’d largely forgotten that they didn’t know. That is, until I received a very friendly message from someone telling me that they had gone out of their way to make sure there would be vegetarian pizza and meat-less lasagna available for me. Cue the guilt.

But it would be fine, I told myself. I would not be a snob about grains. I would buck up and eat that dang pizza and be thankful for it, all while keeping an eye out for any opportunity to have some decent meat and veggies. Which, surprisingly, were incredibly few and far between.

Now I remember the meals of my youth, where pasta was the main dish, bread the side, and potatoes the vegetable. I shouldn’t have been surprised, yet I was when all I could find veggie-wise were a few handfuls of pale iceburg lettuce. So despite casting around for any and all alternatives, my weekend consisted of pizza, continental breakfast egg patties, the atrocity that is a runza, pancakes, cupcakes, coffee cake, more cupcakes, more pizza, and more egg patties. In short, the exact diet I used to have when I was a kid. And the sort of diet my family and extended family still eats.

It was eye-opening and not just because I felt sluggish and bloated and ill all weekend. I am definitely back home with a renewed vigor and respect for vegetables. And I’m also more convinced that more people could stand to take a break from grains, not indefinitely, but just long enough to fully appreciate how much grains dominate their diet and push out more beneficial and nutrient-happy choices like, say, vegetables.

But it also reminded me just how hard it is to step away from the pressure to eat grains all the time for every meal. It’s easy for us because we’re accustomed to cooking all of our meals now. But step into any fast food place or typical restaurant and all they have is iceburg lettuce salad or romaine at best, topped with croutons and a lowfat dressing. That’s not filling; even I opted for the runza instead (but never again, oh god, never again the runza).

It’s hard, going paleo. It’s hard, doing the Whole30. It’s hard, cutting back grains. But it’s also hard to start exercising. It’s hard to stop procrastinating. Anything worthwhile is going to be hard. At first, at least.

Why I’m Won’t Be Doing Another Whole30

I finished up my latest Whole30 without any particular fanfare at the beginning of February. Compared to my previous two, it felt like a dud. I lost a little weight and felt a little better, but overall by the second week I was wondering why I was putting myself through it again. But I preserved through the rest of the month and wrapped up the Whole30 with little difficulty.

And then I kept going. I had a little dairy here and there but my diet didn’t really change. I had a donut one afternoon and regretted the decision for the rest of the day. So I didn’t have another.

I’d say about 90% of my diet is paleo now and I’m comfortable there. I like the food I’m eating and by allowing that 10% of wiggle room, I don’t end up focusing on what I can’t have which, psychologically, has made a world of difference once off the super-strict Whole30 program.

So if it’s been so successful, why wouldn’t I do the whole30 again? Why would I wash my hands of it and say, yup, that’s it, I’m good? Hasn’t it been working?

That’s just it – it worked. After three iterations, I’ve finally found myself working with a diet that I’m comfortable with, and that I can maintain longterm. The training wheel’s of the whole30 are off, so-to-speak, and I’m comfortable occasionally making a batch of cupcakes and eating only one and giving away the rest. Which I’ve been needing to do a lot lately as we test out various cupcake recipes for our upcoming wedding.

Or having a crepe. Or a scone or a sprinkle of cheese. Because it’s not going to consume my life and my diet like it did before the whole30. I prefer the eggs in the morning, the pile of greens for lunch, and the cabbage with steak for dinner. It’s tasty and it doesn’t make me feel bloated and shitty like pasta or pizza do and that’s enough for me now. It wasn’t after the first iteration and it still wasn’t quite after the second, but now it’s enough.

That’s not to say that I won’t throw in a week or two to get myself back on track if I stray too far, but that I’m simply comfortable enough where I am now. My cravings are manageable. I don’t miss the mochas and the spaghetti and the bagels. And I’m cool with that.

Crossfit, An Update at Six Months

I started Crossfit way back in July of last year. You might have read my gushing about it. And then you thought to yourself, well, she’s only been at it for a month. Let’s see how she feels further on down the line.

How do I feel about it now, six months later? Well, for one thing, I’ve stuck with it continuously for those six months. I can count the times I skipped on one hand, and those were either attributable to being so ill my fiancee wouldn’t let me go or finding out our car wouldn’t start when we got in it to go to our class that day. I did not skip a single class just because I didn’t feel like it. I did not skip a single class due to injury, even though I collected a few – I knew the coach could always work around it. I went three days a week, every single week. And that in and of itself says a lot.

That doesn’t mean I was absolutely ecstatic to go every single time. On the contrary, I had about three weeks where I dreaded each and every class. And this was several months in. I felt like I wasn’t progressing. I felt like I was getting worse. I felt like I was only trying to give it my all instead of actually bearing down. And it sucked.

We did things that I am absolutely terrible at. Ring work. Handstands. Bear crawls. I sat in the car and cried after one class because it just didn’t come together – I couldn’t give it my all and I finished way behind everyone else. The coach even told me to stop one round early because I’d reached the cut-off time and everyone else was finished. But I forced my way through it anyway and bawled out my anger and frustration in the car.

But I kept going. And it got better. I managed to break down that mental barrier that had been keeping me back. I began to look forward to the workouts again, to get super excited. I still finish last occasionally, but I’m okay with that because I know I’m actually giving it my all. I’m actually progressing.

I still get a thrill of fear sometimes when I see the workout and I wonder how the heck am I ever going to finish that? And then I remember all the other workouts I’ve done, I’ve completed, I’ve excelled at, and I remember that I am stronger than I think I am. I see that board and the workout and, even though it scares me, I tell myself I can do this. It will suck, but I can do it.

Crossfit isn’t for everyone. And, like everything in life, each person takes something different away from it. For me, it’s given me more than a 120lb deadlift and the ability to do five chin-ups. It’s given me that courage to say I can do this. It’s not fearlessness – I’m still scared of those WODs – but the knowledge and understanding that, though the process may suck and I might fail, I can get through it. And this has translated beyond physical things, like finally signing up for and completing that 5k, to life: I can plan a wedding, I can get that job, I can talk to certain members of my family, I can write and rewrite this manuscript, I can dare to dream big.

Crossfit has helped me understand that I don’t know where my limits are yet. I haven’t reached them. In fact, they’re a long, long ways off. Crossfit taught me that there are things I’ve been saying I can’t do all my life that I can do. Crossfit has taught me to wonder at what I could do. And it has shown me how to turn that subjunctive into an indicative.

So six months later, I can still definitively say: Crossfit is freaking awesome.

Whole 30, 3.0

It’s that time again.

Another Whole30 started at the beginning of this month, appropriately enough. I am now at a happy weight, one I haven’t seen since early childhood, but the Whole30 isn’t just about weight – even if it’s helped me not only lose weight but keep it off over the last six months. It’s about health and well-being. It’s about changing the way you look at food.

I keep talking about the Whole30 on here and with my friends because it had such a big impact with me, one that I, even five months after the conclusion of my first iteration, simply cannot shake. Bread and pasta are indistinguishable from candy in my mind now, which makes sense if you understand that carbs = sugar and therefore your body treats that bread and pasta the same way it treats sugar. I still don’t quite understand the ban on beans, but I did notice how much I used beans as a crutch to avoid eating more vegetables when I let them back into my diet. I enjoy coconut milk, almonds, and salami on a near daily basis but don’t have to worry about calories. Even when I’m off the diet I make substantially smarter eating decisions so that, even though the diet has only been 60-ish days of the last 150, I haven’t gained back that weight I lost. Despite all the Christmas cookies, the drinks, the lack of exercise when I hurt my adductor muscle and then had a cold for three weeks, my weight only fluctuated by two pounds.

Frankly, it’s pretty awesome. And this is coming from someone who has done the chronic cardio, who was vegetarian for the past eleven years, who has done the severely restricted calorie diets. So now I look around and think about what it could do for those of you who were in the same boat as me, or even in a worse place, if it did so much for me.

This iteration started a week ago, but it’s not too late to join in. Just go an extra week in February, that’s all. It’s the perfect time to get rid of those pounds gained over the holidays. Like those two pounds of fluctuation I had in December? Gone within two days. Granted, it’s probably water weight, but that doesn’t make it any less beautiful to see.

So try it. It’s a difficult diet, but it’s only for 30 days. Sure, you can’t really eat out without playing the 20-questions game with your waiter and you cannot avoid becoming thoroughly disgusted/amazed with how pretty much every packaged product in the grocery store contains added sugar. Yes, even that. I’m still amazed, and I’ve been at this for months. My latest surprise? Beef broth. Yes. Beef broth. Trader Joe’s brand beef broth has three different kinds of added sugar.

But I’ll tell you a little secret to make it all easier: plan ahead. Take one day out of your week and make as much food as possible, then freeze it for the rest of the week. My friend and I pooled our resources and made four different meals for the week, which I am still working through. It’s a lot of food, but it has also meant almost zero cooking beyond the microwave and my breakfast eggs.

Another hint: larabars. These were practically made for the paleo diet, and aside from a few with added chocolate chips and peanuts, they are almost all whole30 compliant. They are also great in an emergency and wonderful to have stashed in your purse for a snack.

One more: smoothies. My go-to meal when I don’t feel like eating meat or putting something together is the smoothie. I make mine with frozen berries, a tbsp of almond butter, half a mango or a whole banana, a few tablespoons of coconut milk, a giant handful of spinach, and as much water as needed. But the beauty of smoothies is that there are many different ways to make them, one of which you are bound to love. And you can always adapt the recipe for what you have on hand.

So come on and join me. It’s only 30 days.